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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everyone 'interested' in me has a girlfriend

41 replies

whatiswrongwithmee · 04/12/2019 22:33

Its really starting to get me down now. Guy will message me. Usually to do with a shared hobby. Weeks down the line, it comes out they have a gf. Might subtly drop it in. Or maybe I'll see them 'tag' her in a meme on fb. WHY MESSAGE ME?!

I find it really really hard to open up to someone anyway. I'm extremely lonely, I'm 29 and I've been single for about four years now. Has anyone else found themselves like this, and then found a genuine man. Sad

OP posts:
RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 22:54

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. Men are like monkeys. They won't let go of the last rung until they've got a firm grip on the new one. Once you are no longer 16 years old, most new relationships do start with a bit of overlap on one side or the other however much people like to rewrite history.

If a man isn't married and isn't living with someone, they tend to view themselves as single in a bigger sense. Women rightly see it differently.

In 10 years time you'll have a problem when they are all married.

Tippletopple · 04/12/2019 23:23

To be fair, as a guy, I’ve had this the other way around too. A good couple of married women who (eventually) admitted they were deliberately flirting with me but assured me it was just a bit of innocent fun to “liven up the tedium” of their everyday lives.

I’m sure it is, if you’re married or otherwise seriously attached. Not so much if you’re the single guy on the other side. I understand I’m supposed to be glad of the ego boost this should give me. Personally, it feels more like having a carrot dangled and yanked away when you’re stomach is empty.

Original poster
whatiswrongwithmee · 04/12/2019 23:42

This is exactly how I feel. I feel as if I'm being used to have a chat with when their girlfriend isn't showing them interest. But when they are back on track they drop me like a hot potatoe. All the while I'm buying new clothes for a 'date' which usually never happens!

It's getting harder and harder to trust people.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatiswrongwithmee · 04/12/2019 23:51

I guess my question is , how do I stop this?Envy

OP posts:
Zzzz19 · 05/12/2019 07:05

Do you do online dating? Surely not all of them are attached? Risky if they are putting your pic on a dating site.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/12/2019 07:11

Yes, i had a lot of this after i split up with my exH. I started bluntly asking them, "have you got a girlfriend?", and just binning off the ones who admitted it.

Do a bit of OLD, and be very bolshy about you you message / date. You are the prize, not them!!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 07:18

Once you are no longer 16 years old, most new relationships do start with a bit of overlap on one side or the other however much people like to rewrite history.

I see some ridiculous things on MN, but seriously? No they don't. And if that's the bar you set for yourself you're going to get cheated on.

OP is your hobby male-orientated?

I went through something similar before I met DP. I was an avid football fan and it means I was one of the 'cool girls' (helped by my great personality and cracking sense of humour Wink).
You end up being the kind of woman men love spending time with but then realise you have a bit more about you and won't stand for the crap that the women in their past do.

Honestly for me I found DP well away from that hobby. Maybe you need to cast your net a little wider.

CircleofWillis · 05/12/2019 07:47

Ragu Men are like monkeys. They won't let go of the last rung until they've got a firm grip on the new one. Once you are no longer 16 years old, most new relationships do start with a bit of overlap on one side or the other however much people like to rewrite history.

Utter hogwash! Perhaps most of yours do Ragu in which case you should stop dating men who are like monkeys.

Original poster
whatiswrongwithmee · 05/12/2019 08:02

No I don't do OLD. To be honest the men I've naturally met in the last few years have put me off! Also I hear it's pretty brutal and I'm already feeling very fragile.

Yeah it is very male orientated. Take this week for instance. Guy has been asking to come to mine for 'tea', and then hinting. I don't invite men around my house unless I've been on a date with them. Weve been messaging back and fro. We had a group activity this weekend which I was going to with him - not a date. But i thought given he's been asking to come round, it could be a chance to get to know him more. He casually dropped in last night he was staying over his girlfriends house the night before so would pick me up on the way. Leaving me really confused and sort of angry as to why he would hint at coming round! Why bother? And it's constant shit like this all the time with men.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 08:35

@whatiswrongwithmee honestly it's because you're the 'fun' that they want from a girlfriend. You're all the laid back good bits without needing the emotional support.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/12/2019 08:37

It might be worth your exploring this a bit more in therapy, OP. Particularly your feelings of isolation in the context of only appearing to cross paths with men who are unavailable.

Original poster
whatiswrongwithmee · 05/12/2019 08:46

Surely I shouldn't need therapy for only having non single men approach me? I just want them to stop. And stop wasting my time.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 09:01

@whatiswrongwithmee people on here always suggest counselling. I think they must all be counsellors with small client lists!

Maybe moving forward just assume anyone related to your hobby has a girlfriend until they say otherwise - at least that way you're not in the territory of becoming the OW.

Just a simple "are you sure your girlfriend will be ok with us going for a drink?" will help you filter them out Smile

ConfCall · 05/12/2019 09:48

Ask them if they have a girlfriend early on. It doesn’t have to be heavy, just part of a “getting to know you” conversation.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/12/2019 11:32

Because if you encounter a pattern that is ongoing and causing you pain/frustration- then the common denominator is you. People underestimate the power of the unconscious; it's so easy to dismiss.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 12:45

@AFistfulofDolores1 she partakes in a male-oriented hobby. There's always going to be attention from men.

She's in her late 20s. We don't know what the hobby is but men that age or older who want to cheat (obviously not all) are the ones who tend to try it on with single vulnerable women who share the same hobbies because they're easiest to hide and require the least amount of effort.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/12/2019 13:26

I too was in a male oriented hobby and didn't experience this.

So we both have our differing points of view.

MissDew · 05/12/2019 13:32

Men are like monkeys. They won't let go of the last rung until they've got a firm grip on the new one

Erm no. That's not the first time I've heard that analogy. Men seem to end their relationships because they've met some one else. Women can end their relationship for the same reason but mostly because they have had it to the back teeth with their partner.

MsMellivora · 05/12/2019 18:36

I also have a male orientated hobby and this has happened a couple of times but over many years and not all the time. The going to the shared hobby weekend and going to your house and the messaging. Are you sure it’s not just him being friendly, what are the messages? Are they blatantly sexual or romantic? Or are you reading stuff in to them.

Original poster
whatiswrongwithmee · 05/12/2019 20:35

I have thought perhaps I'm reading into them. And maybe I am, I'll let you guys judge. Would you be happy with your partner asking to come round for coffee, numerous times, to a woman's house who they arnt 'friends' with. The coffee and biscuits defo sounded like an innuendo to me.

To the lady who suggested it might be me who's the problem- I give them no reason to message me.

It's getting to the point now where I want to tell their girlfriends. (I won't!)

OP posts:
Original poster
whatiswrongwithmee · 05/12/2019 20:39

I think the posters advice to ask straight up if they have a girlfriend is the one I need to take.

The only embarrassing thing there will be if some are being genuinely friendly. But at least it will save me getting played around.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 21:01

Ask straight up or - dont get so (relatively) invested until you find out if they're single or not.

You must be invested to be quite irritated, frustrated etc when you find out they're not single.

Which means a whole rethink/reframe about looking for someone, being lonely etc.

You never want to seem (of be) desperate and you never want to overlook shit in order to get into a relationship because you're desperate (I've done it, that's why I'm advising you not to ..).

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 21:01

*or be

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 21:04

Oh and you ask "why message?".

Some might genuinely be a bit clueless, very friendly etc. and not be angling for a bit in the side.

More likely, they're angling for a bit in the side. As I said in another thread, some men believe a single woman is utterly desperate for both cock and company, and hope they'll overlook little details like them having a wife/gf in order to get it.

Sandals19 · 05/12/2019 21:04

*on the side

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