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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I be nicer?

31 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 20:13

I’m just not very nice to my husband sometimes. I’m anxious (diagnosed) and stressy and frankly I speak to him in a way I wouldn’t dream of talking to anyone else. He can be a pain in the bum but he doesn’t deserve me being a bitch.

I need to sort it out. I know that. I don’t need harsh comments please, I’m well aware that I am out of order.

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 04/12/2019 20:15

Does he comment on it? I say this as lots of couples I know are quite blunt with each other, familiarity and all that...

Trustyourinnersatnav · 04/12/2019 20:18

What do you say that you feel is not ok? Have you tried therapy for your anxiety? Or medication? Sounds like perhaps you need to do some work on yourself to help you heal. Is there anything that your husband might do that triggers you?

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 20:19

Yeah he’s not happy about it. He’s supportive and understanding but I can only push him so far.

I struggle with perfection and failure. I take it out on him if things aren’t going well or I’m struggling. I feel he should mind read that I not coping and that’s unreasonable.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 04/12/2019 20:19

I can relate, ever since DS was born, I have zero patience for DH and I feel bad for not making an effort to be nice.
If you are unable to reign in your temper in the heat of the moment, you’ve got work to do! Have you read The Chimp Paradox?

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 20:21

I’ve had CBT and was doing well. However I’ve recently had a new contraceptive implant fitted and feel this could be negatively affecting my moods and behaviour.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 04/12/2019 20:22

Reading your update, I think we have a similar dynamic at home, I am way too set in my ways, and actually prefer to do all the housework by myself, but with a baby it’s just not possible at the moment.
I hope to mellow in my middle age, but I’ve got to try harder.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 04/12/2019 20:23

Kindness does run both ways. How does your relationship work?

I ask because I too am anxious and stressed. I spend my time at home, which is limited, listening to everyone else. The kids, obviously, and my husband, over and over. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom like so many men I've read about on the Internet that go for 40 minute toilet sessions when the mum is tearing her hair out and the kids are abseiling down the curtains.

I do snap at my dh because i am stressed and tense and I can only be a support unit for other people for so long. It's exhausting!

I am interested in the replies you get because I want to be kinder, too, but there are so many little moments where he could support me, or just think about me a little and... He just... Doesn't. I'm great as an appliance and a support unit but I'm actually not at the top of his priorities, so he can use me as someone to talk to endlessly but...

It runs both ways. What is your relationship like?

Janus · 04/12/2019 20:24

This may sound weird but if I ever feel like shouting at my children I stop and think ‘imagine if lots are people are watching’ so I’d not do it in front of people so then I don’t do it at home either. I do the same when people start to gossip about someone, I imagine they are there listening and how hurtful it would be so I don’t join in. (I imagine that all sounds very strange though!!!.)

Emma198 · 04/12/2019 20:28

I ended up on anti depressants when i had the implant, it was awful and the effect on my moods didn't improve in time

Trustyourinnersatnav · 04/12/2019 20:29

Ah yeah, flippin hormones can wreak havoc for anxiety. I've been the same during pregnancy...I was an absolute nightmare. I've recently gotten into reading about the philosophy of stoicism, which has helped somewhat. As for me anxiety is usually a control thing. Do you think medication could help? I've just started citallopram and will start therapy shortly. The citalopram has certainly given me more head space to think more clearly.

7Worfs · 04/12/2019 20:31

@Janus that’s a really handy tip, I’ll test it, thank you!

user1493413286 · 04/12/2019 20:31

I try to take a breath before saying what is on the fore front of my mind and giving myself a few seconds to think how to word something. It doesn’t always work but it does help me be less snappy

Jayne7777777 · 04/12/2019 20:32

I can't begin to tell you how much I understand your concerns. My partner has recently left me and I'm convinced it was because I was not nice a lot of the time. I can still hear myself nagging, criticising things that I could have had a say in but chose not to and picking away at small things - "Don't put that there the dog will fall over it" (blind dog), "Oh I didn't want you to paint THAT bit", "Can you not leave that like that". I sound like a shrew. I have anaemia which makes me tired ALL the time and drains any personality I once had. My blind dog has cancer so I worry myself sick constantly and I haven't had a full nights' sleep in about thirty years. No wonder he left...

Trustyourinnersatnav · 04/12/2019 20:32

Oooo what Janus has said is wonderful advice!

Zzzz19 · 04/12/2019 20:38

You need to be careful. I left my last partner because of this. I could do 10 nice things and maybe one that annoyed them and they picked up on that and never acknowledged the others. Very draining and can make you feel very unappreciated. Always remember that most of the time the person you are with is not trying to purposely wind you up. Of course there will be exceptions !

category12 · 04/12/2019 20:38

Have you considered that maybe you don't like him very much or respect him, and you shouldn't be with him?

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 20:41

Yeah I’m just not fun anymore.

He has his faults like us all but overall he’s a nice person. I can be such hard work! I wouldn’t want to put up with me and I see now reason why he should either.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 20:44

Have you considered that maybe you don't like him very much or respect him, and you shouldn't be with him?

Yes I’ve been there too. I would daydream about leaving it all behind. Walking out, living on my own and becoming a hermit. Ultimately, on my clearer headed moments I know that’s my anxiety speaking and I really do love him, like him, respect him and want to be worth him.

OP posts:
Panpastels · 04/12/2019 20:47

I am exactly the same and am currently taking steroids which means I am even more of a bitch Blush
Good advice about imagining an audience and one I will adopt !

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 20:48

Always remember that most of the time the person you are with is not trying to purposely wind you up.

This has been my lightbulb moment this week. I keep putting myself in a dark place, feeling like the world hates me and my husband is trying to push me over the edge just because the kitchen was messy.

OP posts:
Jayne7777777 · 04/12/2019 20:59

I really, really feel for you. People seldom seem to believe me when I say I feel I had a part in my partner leaving. I wasn't a total bitch or anything. I was just endlessly tired when he was bouncing about all the time. I was unhappy with everything he did. I stopped laughing. Now that he's gone forever, I realise it was ME that I was unhappy with - not him. If anyone gives even a shred of advice that you think would limit the damage, please use it. It could save you a lot of heartbreak.

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/12/2019 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/12/2019 21:07

I love hugs! I hug my children all the time and would love to hug my husband more. I try, but I need to try harder.

OP posts:
NotTonightJosepheen · 04/12/2019 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suggestionsplease1 · 04/12/2019 21:21

great advice @Janus imagining other people are watching you to help temper your behaviour and what you say.

Reminds me of how I used to act when visiting my granny in a care home for those with advanced dementia - I used to imagine every single patient in there was an actor testing to see how people responded to those with dementia.

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