Is this going too far?

[madamandthemartyr]

A part time woman at DPs work (same specialism) has been texting him, I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable, due to the flirty nature of her messages. He says he understands and will try not to engage.

She seems to be confiding in him and sharing about having just separated from partner and looking for a ‘poor me’ response, one message said “thanks for being so nice, I will have to come and give you a hug later” - this got my hackles up.

So...it’s incredibly petty, but I’m tempted to sign this woman up for a dating site, POF or similar, so she is bombarded with flirty messages- to see how she likes it....
Is that too petty? I know I should rise above it but I’m pissed off (with both parties)

I would be more concerned if your DP was engaging with her. If he's ignoring the messages, she'll stop. Why is she texting him and what is their relationship at work? Does she talk to him at work?

You won't be able to sign her up for online dating, apart from it being a breach of data protection, you'd have to have access to her email account to verify.

Yiur DP needs to deal with a clear and firm statement that the hugs are not welcome or is he her therapist or any other sort of emotional support. Its work.
Do your job. That should be just fine
He needs to make I feel reassured.

He needs to block and delete. No reason not to imo...

If he's not flirting back I can't see why you're so bothered you'd sign her up to a website like that. She could also just be being friendly. Would you have an issue if she said those things to a Woman?

I'm guessing you've jealousy issues?

So I’ve told DP about the creeping danger of spending your emotional resources outside your relationship, discussed emotional affairs (potential and actual), and asked how does it make him feel to be someone else’s ego boost.

DP is very kind and wants to help people 🙄 and he gets ‘sucked in, and he doesn’t have much self confidence, so may have found it flattering?
but I’ve also not been shy about telling him I don’t feel he’s being totally truthful with me, and any evasion is as good as a lie.

They talk at work as they share a workspace (with others, but it’s a small team) and I did question how they swapped numbers in the first place.

Your problem is not with her, and your anger is totally misdirected. You should be upset with your partner. This texting has crossed a line, he knows it, and he should have the balls and common sense to put a complete end to it. His relationship with you, and possibly his job, could be in jeopardy over this nonsense.

@aquamarine- yes I know that really, imade the same statement to DP yesterday. I’m not apportioning all blame to this woman, but it’s more than friendly, and she can send 3/4 texts with no reply....but lack of reply doesn’t stop her?

but lack of reply doesn’t stop her?

That's why your partner needs to BLOCK her.

If he isn't replying back, or only giving placid responses, I don't get your issue? Yes, her fixation Is misplaced, but to sign her up for a dating site?

You can't block work colleagues. WhatsApp is the medium of choice in my work.

Those of you asking why the issue, I just have a funny feeling about this situation. DP has lots of other female friends and I’m not bothered by any contact between them. This feels different

I'm guessing you've jealousy issues?

Dear lord

Is it because you've never met her? Does he have mentionitis? If he is talking about her all the time as well as texting then I would be worried.

Hmm...The opposite of mentionitis, she’s one of the only people he doesn’t talk about.....I’ve explained to him that this is a reason it made my spidey senses start twitching.

Doesn't talk about her and doesn't respond to texts right away, and shows you texts...op...

Hmm...he didn’t show me texts initially, I had to ask who ‘name’ was...

Your spidey senses are tingling and saying this woman is different from his other female friends. Did he explain the need to swap numbers?

You can't block work colleagues. WhatsApp is the medium of choice in my work.

A work group WhatsApp is something different.

He has feelings for her

My first goes to @Bluntness100

Trust your spidey senses, OP.

The White Knight/Damsel dynamic can be a very.slippery slope.

So, an update...
DP send a text message yesterday telling this woman that I am uncomfortable with their level of contact and ‘coziness’ and that he agrees with me, he told me he had deleted all message history as he does not want to have to analyse every text previously sent. I thanked him for showing me this respect 🙄

I couldn’t resist checking his phone, to find the messages not deleted, but the text was exactly as he said....so no reason to lie. But I pulled him up on it and told him that a lie erodes trust like nothing else.

His answer was that he was in the process of deleting the messages and did not know how to ‘delete all’

I don’t know if I’m over reacting here, he has done exactly as he said, but the lie has hurt me all over again.

OP it is worrying that he did not immediately delete given he knows your concerns and he said he would. I don’t believe for a nano second that he didn’t know how to delete all - it’s a simple swipe/click!

It just seems so ridiculous, I had seen the previous messages and the new ones about ceasing contact were exactly as stated!
The simple fact he lied automatically worries/upsets me.

I’ve asked him to never lie to me or mislead me, and not to make a fool of me, and he appears to understand that I don’t feel trusting. He promised to never lie again, but obviously that’s hard to believe.

Why did he think there was a possibility of him 'analysing every previous text sent?' Why would he even want to? If he thought he was just being friendly/helpful, then why would going back over the messages even be a 'thing'?

I had one of these, OP. Wanting to 'help' people in distress. Also very gullible and easily led into 'let's not tell the wife about this in case it upsets her'.

Note, I said HAD.