Family! Am I expecting too much?

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

It’s going to be a long one

I’ve got 2 young kids (4,1) hubby works full time & I’m a full time mum.
Abit annoyed with my mum tbh and I don’t know if I should be, am I just expecting abit to much and being childish.

I live 45mins away (by car) from her and the rest of our family, she has some joint problems but nothing major. She works part time and has 3 full days off in a row (mid week) and I just feel as though she should sometimes come down to us and stay 1-2nights or even come for the day. I used to always go down once a week to see her when my little one was in nursery as we had more time then and I didn’t have my youngest but now it’s abit of a struggle as he’s at school full time. I just spoke about this to my brother who said I’m being very childish and I should go down to see them. I said if I saw some sort of effort from her side then I would. She works Friday-Monday and visits her parents (10mins down the road) atleast 3/4 times a week. It totally annoys me as I feel she doesn’t come here because she’s so busy with them.

Am I being unreasonable? Selfish? Childish?
Thank you for reading if you got Upto here x

Have you spoken to her about it?

I’ve pointed it out to her in the past and then I see effort and then it all stops again. This time I swore to myself I’m not going to say anything and I’m going to stop making effort

Don't think your being unreasonable as such but perhaps unrealistic in expecting her to visit you if she doesn't want to. Perhaps she is used to be visited by her children and doesn't see the need to reciprocate. I can understand your resentment but could you just ask her about it?

Just crossed posts. Your choices are to step back and accept the consequences of perhaps not seeing her at all or carry on making the effort and managing your resentment. Depends on how big an issue it is to you. Are there other behaviours that upset you? I can understand how one sided it feels.

dacquoise I understand what you mean. Although she doesn’t like it when if she’s called her parents over and they don’t agree (because say if they are out for an appointment and near her house)
Also I don’t expect her to come to mine on a weekly thing, just wish she would make an effort. I’ve spoken to her about it before and she’s started to make a effort then stops again. I feel as though she makes excuses like she has so much to do etc etc but then she’s gone to her parents

Also she’s said on many many occasions how she wants us as a family to move down more nearer her so she can see the kids more often. however my mil lives near us so we can’t just leave from here. How do I know if we moved there it wouldn’t be like this again.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Lots of people don't like driving or are nervous drivers. A 90 minute round trip when the rest of her family are nearby can feel a big distance.
Obviously it isn't far if you are confident in a car, or regularly commute a couple hours each way to work, but that isn't the case for your Mum, she's bot everyone else close by. You chose to move away and therefore she is not on your doorstep which obviously hasd repercussions.

Invite her overnight once a month, maybe, or meet for lunch somewhere halfway to spend time with her. The important thing is spending time with your Mum, not where it happens.

Do you mean she never visits? Or she doesn’t visit as often as you would like?

My MIL lives a little farther away than that and works a similar schedule. We see her for a day or two every 2-3 months.

That’s fine by me and we’re busy and honestly I have no desire to see her more. What if you made plans to meet her in the middle for lunch? Would she do that more often?

"It totally annoys me as I feel she doesn’t come here because she’s so busy with them. "

But presumably her parents are elderly and perhaps need her time and attention?

My mother has visited me twice in 15 years. otherwise I am expected to make the tedious journey all of the time.

I'm a mom of grown up children. You say your mom has joint problems but they aren't that bad....wonder if like myself she keeps the fact that she's in a lot of pain do that you don't worry and that the travel is a problem to her x

Obviously it's her choice, but I don't think you're being unreasonable to hope that your mum would come and visit. I live a similar distance from my parents, and when the DC were little I would drive to see them, but since they started school my parents now travel to see me. However, my parents are retired and have no other caring responsibilities so they have more time than your mum.

My husbands parents are like this,,,they say they love us and miss us but all they do is sit at home and wait for us to trek down the M1 to see them or to ring them.They never ring us or visit us and they are always more than welcome to stay but no its up to us. I have seen them once in 12 months due to this...They have all the time in the world to come and stay and would be made very welcome but no ...it is what it is and its ultimately their loss...I can;t make them come and they show no interest in doing so.

45 minutes isn’t far my daughters school journey each way is longer than that.

Is there a reason you want her to visit so often. Is her job on her feet causing pain.

From what you say it seems like you have mismatched expectations. She sees it as your role to come to her and is unwilling for whatever reason to change that. Unfortunately you have a stand off. You can't force her to change the arrangements. You have tried. It's now up to you to decide what you want to do about it, if anything. You might want to explore your feelings about why this is so important to you. Do feel a bit rejected by her? You certainly don't have to move closer to her.

Wow thank you for all the responses so far x

Ginger yes they are elderly however they can look after eachother, also there is 4 kids but only my mum & Aunt visit so often, the other 2 visit once a week. She doesn’t go there to care for them, she goes and just sits with them and they watch tv and have lunch

blissful maybe, I didn’t actually think of that x

blackswan I wish she would do the same, I would also make the effort and go too but I just feel as though I can’t allow it to be one sided especially when I have my hands full as it is x

FAQs her job mostly sitting (at the tills in the supermarket) she says my kids are growing up too fast and she doesn’t see them often so I just feel she should come down then.

Arthritica oh I don’t except her to come and go the same day, she can stay here as long as she wants. Normally it used to be come one day and go the next or sometimes stay 2nights. However that’s all stopped and it’s been a very long time now x

Dacquoise when my first child was born she used to come very very often and stay 1-2nights. After I had my second child she’s come once or twice and stayed.

Before it used to be once a month and sometimes even more if she had holidays from work. For some reason she’s stopped all of a sudden

I've had to take a step back from helping my kids so much and although they know I've had some health problems they don't know the full extent as I don't want to worry them when their lives are already stressful and busy. Us moms just get on with it as best we can and don't like putting on our kids x

I work full time, my grandchild lives 45 minutes car drive away.
Wild horses wouldn't stop me seeing him every weekend and some evenings too if I can manage it.

I suppose not every grandparent feels like we do.

Hi Mum, I really don't think there is an awful lot more you can do about this. Speculating on why things have changed with your mum when you have tried to sort this out will only add to how you bad you are feeling. You can't control your mum so perhaps step away and concentrate on your own family and people you can rely on. I feel for you.

Like a pp I wonder if her joint pain is actually quite a lot worse than she’s letting on.

45 mins seems a fairly short journey to me, but I appreciate we all compare differently. (I live in London and don’t drive, but there are lots of people I frequently visit - including with 1yo and 7yo in tow - where the journey is much longer than that, by train or bus or on foot...).

Is it that you’re hurt that she doesn’t seem to want to see you, is it that you miss her, is it that you’d like a bit of practical help..? All of these are valid but it’s worth you working out what you actually feel/want (rather than ‘she should come to us’ which is what you think), and use that to either try again to have an honest dialogue with her or to work out for yourself whether there’s an alternative or what it is you’re reconciling yourself to.

If I’m honest I can’t really see why it’s too much for you to do the travelling - you could be there by 10 and stay til maybe 1.30, 2o’c? - but perhaps there’s something I’m not appreciating, or perhaps part of it is that you’d like her to see your older child and develop that relationship. Or if she’s a really difficult host I get why taking a toddler there is too stressful.

I guess it feels a bit like rejection, which is really painful - but from your post I wasn’t entirely clear what it is you want from your mum, and maybe she’s not clear either, in which case perhaps the sense of rejection is misplaced and better communication would help you both.

The other thought is whether something has happened to make her suddenly reduce the frequency of her visits. Best thing is to ask, but also worth considering if there’s something you can pinpoint, maybe that made her feel unwanted or unwelcome or that she doesn’t enjoy being at yours? I don’t at all mean something happened that was your fault, but if there was a trigger for the change it’s worth knowing so you can either make amends or write it off as her loss. I am thinking about other posts on MN eg from people who like a friend but don’t meet up with their children any more because they find their children/parenting intolerable, or relatives who squabble over whether or not a child should be made to share their cake or visitors should be expected to wash up or whatever. Or whether she is someone who likes babies and toddlers but has less patience/interest for older children, or whether her health has deteriorated more than you realise and no matter how lovely she finds your child/ren tiring company, or whatever. If it’s a sudden change I think there is something she’s not telling you, although it may of course be entirely about her and none of your business...

With something like joint pain, sleeping in a bed not your own can also be really uncomfortable. Often you have worked out exactly the right position and got the exact supportive mattress etc to minimise discomfort. I have nerve damage and honestly I hate staying anywhere that doesn’t have the right fabrics, enough pillows or warm enough because it all makes it worse!

I moved about a 40 minute drive from my Mum and have barely seen her since. She doesn’t like driving on the motorway all of a sudden (literally seemed to happen when I moved here ) so uses it as an excuse not to visit often. I go see her every so often but I think I’ve seen her about six times since we moved 15 months ago. I’m not really bothered, I gave up trying with family a long time ago.

I think expecting your Mum to stay at yours for the night every week is a bit much.

Is she reluctant to visit because she thinks you will want her to provide some childcare ?