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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dreading Christmas with my mum

33 replies

meredithgrey1 · 03/12/2019 21:02

I do not have a good relationship with my mother at all. She's incredibly judgemental, dismissive of any opinion that differs from hers, and generally extremely negative.

I have a 5 month old DD who does not sleep well. In order for her to nap, she screams for at least half an hour regardless of what I do/when I try to get her to sleep. She will only nap on me. At night she will only co sleep, and will wake and scream if I try to leave the bed so I end up in bed with her by 8pm. I can imagine my mum's reaction if she's sees this. It will be a mix of judgemental comments about what I must have done wrong to cause this, combined with ill-concealed gleeful gloating about how glad she is none of her kids were like this.
To complicate it further I have PND that I am trying to get support for. My mother has said in the past that people with mental illness need to "get a grip and stop being so silly" so telling her about the pnd is out of question. She'll just tell me babies are hard and what did I expect. Her attitude towards DD's sleep will not help my mental health.
We (DH, DD and I) are currently planning on visiting my parents 20th-22nd Dec but I do not want to go. But I can't see any way out of it. We never ever saw any of my grandparents or extended family for christmases when I was growing up because my mum didn't like to see anyone outside her own "little family" but she seems to have forgotten all about this now she has a DGD of her own and us not going would not go down well at all.

I'm getting so stressed even thinking about going. Should I just get over it and go? Or if not how can I get out of this?

OP posts:
randominternetperson · 03/12/2019 21:05

Just don't go. I'd personally be honest with her and say you find her unpleasant to be around but I know that's not for everyone (but things won't get improve unless you speak to her). You could invent an illness near to the time and get out of it that way but I'd definitely just not go...

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2019 21:06

Of course there's a way out of going, you simply say you're not and stick to your guns. If your mother chooses to throw a tantrum, let you. You don't need to listen to that, either.

lexiepuppy · 03/12/2019 21:13

I wouldn’t go either. Why put yourself through that stress?

Just because she is your mother doesn’t mean you have to jump to her commands, she sounds particularly toxic and if you are dealing with PND be gentle with yourself, have babies first Christmas at home in peace.

Tell her you’ll see her in the New Year..........sometime!Xmas Wink

TartanMarbled · 03/12/2019 21:16

Just be patient with her - extend the Christmas spirit!

Redwinestillfine · 03/12/2019 21:19

Don't go. Let her know before she buys in food etc, but just tell her you're not feeling up to it and need Christmas to yourself this year.

JasonPollack · 03/12/2019 22:05

Absolutely don't go. Tell her ASAP and then don't engage further on the subject. Protect yourself from toxic people when you are feeling vulnerable. Even if they are family!

HollowTalk · 03/12/2019 22:07

Don't go. Say, "I'm like you, I don't like to see anyone for Christmas." What can she say?

How far away does she live? How often does she see you?

theworldhasgonecrazy1 · 03/12/2019 22:07

Don't go. Making yourself stressed to make other people happy who ultimately won't appreciate it is not worth it. Tell her your want to spend Christmas with "your own little family"

cakeandchampagne · 03/12/2019 22:10

Don’t go!
You need to do what is best for you & your baby.

Hithere2 · 03/12/2019 22:13

Don't go

Start a new Christmas tradition: just dh, your kids and you.

FraglesRock · 03/12/2019 22:22

It's our first Christmas as our new little family (insert her own words back to her) so we're staying home.

Invite her for the meal if you want.

billy1966 · 03/12/2019 22:37

Do not go OP.

You have a baby, that should be your first priority.

You need to look after yourself.
You need to mind yourself.
You need to do anything and everything to help yourself.

You need to put distance between anyone and everyone that exacerbates your PND.

You owe this to your baby and yourself.

Do not go.

Agree with others who have written that you should tell her you "will be spending Christmas with my own little family".

Mind yourself OP.

💐

AdaColeman · 03/12/2019 22:37

Why make yourself so miserable and unhappy? Tell her you will be having Christmas with your own little family, so won't be seeing her.

If she makes a fuss and falls out with you, then you will see less of her, so you win again.

Stand up for what you want, and for what is best for you!

Groovinpeanut · 04/12/2019 00:44

Don't go!
You're an adult now with your own family. This is your DD's first Christmas... Don't let your mother ruin it.
You have two choices tell her the truth and let her know how she is. Or just say there's a change of plan and you can't make it.
Your family takes priority, enjoy your little ones first Christmas without your mother putting a damper on it.

BeenThereDone · 04/12/2019 07:13

You will be on edge the whole time you are there adding to the anxiety, waiting for her comments and judgemental looks

Or you can be less anxious in the comfort of your own home where you and your family will be safe, warm and surrounded by love. I know which one I'd choose.
She'll get over it.

DonPablo · 04/12/2019 07:15

This reminds me of my friend when I asked her one year if she was going to her mums in mother's day. She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind and said why would I spoil a lovely day?

Aussiebean · 04/12/2019 07:48

What an incredibly unlucky time for you to go to the car and discover the starter motor isn’t working.

The garage has to order in the part. Oh dear we can’t make it.

Maybe next year.

Peignoir · 04/12/2019 07:54

I wouldn't bother spend Christmas with her. Stay home with "your" family and avoid her. Who needs this sort of energy around Christmas?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2019 08:40

You need radiators, not drains on your time and welfare like your mother. She probably also makes you feel responsible for her as well doesn't she?. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. She has not changed a bit since your own childhood.

You do not mention your dad here; is he still around?.

You should cancel your proposed visit to your parents, the 20th is still some time away and there is always a way out. Why at all go and see people, family even, who want to put you down in order for them to feel better about their own pathetic self?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no. Your mother is no different. What else can she do other than moan and threaten to cut you off or something (actually she would do you a favour by doing that), nothing. Please read about fear, obligation and guilt too because you seem mired in this.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she will in all likelihood further become a crap example of a grandparent to your DD. Keep her well away from your mother.

Windmillwhirl · 04/12/2019 08:49

Don't go, she doesn't deserve your company and she will likely revel in making you miserable. You are an adult with your own mind. Do what makes you happy and to hell with her response. If she wasn't such a judgemental nightmare you may actually want to go.

Winterdaysarehere · 04/12/2019 08:52

You need to think of how you want Christmas's to be for your dd. Having you stressed isn't a nice idea imo.
Not seeing your dm is a great one...
Tell dh he needs to support you...
Stay home.

Dacquoise · 04/12/2019 08:55

It is obvious from your post that you don't want to go and getting very stressed about it which makes the decision not to go very pertinent. But how to deal with it? Can your husband not provide a shield for you by contacting your mother and explaining that you won't be able to visit because of concerns for your health? You could leave it for a while to prevent her campaigning to draw you back in. He doesn't have to reveal your mental health but needs to be very firm about you not going and give a vague promise about catching up in the New Year. He can always pop round with your child to swap presents but keep you out of it. In the meantime take Attila's great advice and starting working on your issues with your mother. As someone who has finally broken free of her toxic family I can guarantee that with a bit of work on your self-esteem and mental health and by keeping a distance you will be able to stand up to her eventually and break contact. She doesn't own you, you don't have to do as you are told although it may seem impossible to you at this moment.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2019 08:56

Your mental health comes first. Stay home, it's what you need.

AgathaX · 04/12/2019 09:03

Just tell her that you're not going, that you're trying to get the baby and you into a routine, that you're extremely tired, that you've got too much baby paraphernalia to cart around to her house.

If she has a tantrum, put the phone down and tell her to call back in a few days when she's calmer. And repeat as often as necessary.

Your mental health is your priority. Pleasing your difficult mother is not.

Ohyesiam · 04/12/2019 09:20

Ah op, I get the toxic mother thing.

You have to cancel and remember that her actions have brought you to this. If She was nurturing and supportive you would be really looking forward to it.

Think of this as the beginning of you defining how your relationship goes. She can’t just reach into your life and cause upset.

As you sound really stretched art the moment, if you can’t face telling her No , I think it’s probably ok to make something up.
You could say dd is ill, or has had a reaction to her jabs, or that you are ill. Other posters may have suggestions?

Don’t let Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( FOG) get in the way, just trust that you know what will and won’t with for you.

I’m really sorry you have a mother who isn’t nurturingFlowers. It’s tough, but you can regain your power in the situation.

Congratulations on dd. My dd was a Velcro baby, but it didn’t last, and she’s a real independent delight now.

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