Dreading Christmas with my mum

[meredithgrey1]

I do not have a good relationship with my mother at all. She's incredibly judgemental, dismissive of any opinion that differs from hers, and generally extremely negative.

I have a 5 month old DD who does not sleep well. In order for her to nap, she screams for at least half an hour regardless of what I do/when I try to get her to sleep. She will only nap on me. At night she will only co sleep, and will wake and scream if I try to leave the bed so I end up in bed with her by 8pm. I can imagine my mum's reaction if she's sees this. It will be a mix of judgemental comments about what I must have done wrong to cause this, combined with ill-concealed gleeful gloating about how glad she is none of her kids were like this.
To complicate it further I have PND that I am trying to get support for. My mother has said in the past that people with mental illness need to "get a grip and stop being so silly" so telling her about the pnd is out of question. She'll just tell me babies are hard and what did I expect. Her attitude towards DD's sleep will not help my mental health.
We (DH, DD and I) are currently planning on visiting my parents 20th-22nd Dec but I do not want to go. But I can't see any way out of it. We never ever saw any of my grandparents or extended family for christmases when I was growing up because my mum didn't like to see anyone outside her own "little family" but she seems to have forgotten all about this now she has a DGD of her own and us not going would not go down well at all.

I'm getting so stressed even thinking about going. Should I just get over it and go? Or if not how can I get out of this?

I don't see my adult DC at Christmas WITH MY BLESSING, as I know they like to see friends, be with just their partner, or just slob out like me!

I don't understand parents who guilt trip their DC into seeing them at this time. Before or after, when things are more normal re transport, etc; is much more sensible. After all, you can have a christmas type meal and gift exchange any time in December and January.

We spent so many years being miserable on Christmas Day, either visiting my alcoholic mother and having a terrible time or visiting my in-laws and spending the day sat on the settee making pointless small talk and not doing anything remotely fun or enjoyable. Now we have children we have Christmas Day just for us and we visit family on other days where there is less pressure. It has changed our Christmas experience so much and I actually look forward to it now.

What about a surprise vomiting bug? There’s a lot about this year. Very contagious. You can mention the above and say you feel (you’ll be) poorly - both true just not related.

Don't go. No need to lie or make excuses, just say its your baby's first
christmas, you want to be at home and you are finding certain aspects difficult at the moment for which you want no judgement or opinions. Say you understand now that when you were kids she wanted her own little family and no one else, and that you feel the same. She can't really say anything to that can she.

Yes exactly - just say "Now I have DD I completely get why you only ever wanted to spend Christmas with your own little family, so that's what we're going to be doing. We'll see you some time in the New Year!"

Don't have a vomiting bug or a non-functioning starter motor, that just delays the problem until next year and also can't be deployed until she'll already have bought food etc.

Don’t go. I get on with my parents ok but the first Christmas with only DH, baby DS and I was just lovely. You deserve that too.

If i were you I wouldn't go, she'll just make you feel crap about yourself.
I'd say there was a problem with your car, so you can't get there.

You poor pet. PND is a horror. I had it twice. It takes all of your physical, mental and emotional reserves just to shuffle through the day in your PJs in your own home.

You have nothing left to entertain others or withstand judgement or criticism. My DM said to me “No one had PND in my day - we just got on with it”.

Don’t put yourself in the firing line. Make the call tonight so that the deed is done and you can relax into the next 3 weeks rather than stress everyday about telling her.

Definitely decide that you will be having your own family xmases - so you can look forward to many more happy xmases without the looming FOG (fear obligation and guilt) hanging over you every year. Tell her you will pop round one Sat in the NY.

I hope that you are getting all of the support you can to relieve some of the PND. This is the time to invest in yourself as this will translate down to your baby girl.

It’s a good opportunity to think hard about culling or minimising the drains in your life - and prioritising the radiators - people who have your best interests at heart and bring you joy.