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Original poster

Should I cut my losses because of my age?

44 replies

user63212 · 03/12/2019 20:45

Been seeing someone since August, we had the exclusive chat a few weeks ago. it is going well. He turned 31 yesterday, I turned 32 in November, so he is a year and a bit younger. we have talked about marriage and kids (both said we want that). he has sometimes brought the topic up for instance asking if id want a girl or boy first, things like that. its never been a full conversation obviously or a planning conversation!

On his birthday night out at the weekend, we had a great time. on the way home he said quite casually that he would want to wait a while before kids and enjoy married life for a couple of years before all of that. it was said in passing and was in a wider context of a conversation which was nothing about kids or marriage and i hadnt mentioned kids or marriager earlier in the night or anything.

i cant stop thinking about it. i really want kids and have been careful not to settle down with just anyone but i am also aware that if i want children then i need to make a commitment. should i be concerned about his comment? i feel even more wary because he is younger than me, but maybe that is irrational? ive never said to him that kids are hugely important to me or i want them soon etc (i dont, but i also dont want years of waiting), ive just said i want them when he asked about it. hes made it clear he wants them too.

obviously i am not looking for someone just to be a dad...thats why i have dated a lot to try and find someone i really want to be with. i feel like he is potentially, maybe, that person. he gives me butterflies, i fancy him, i love chatting with him. if he hadnt said this i would be giving it a go and not thinking twice about children etc...i'd just be seeing how it went and hoping for the best. im not saying i want kids in the next year but if we didnt get married for years.. does he then expect to wait years after that before trying?

im aware that this is early days but that is why i want to know if anyone thinks this is potentially an issue? i really dont want to get further involved if this sort of comment is a red flag (or a red flag for someone my age wanting kids). i could speak to him about it but i dont want to make it into a huge deal... like i say if he hadnt said this i wouldnt be wanting a child in the next year or anything like that. but as a woman in my thirties i feel worried by this comment.

bit rambled, sorry!

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 03/12/2019 20:59

It is early days.
It's quite normal to not want to have kids straight away and to wait 2-3 years. But, I see what you are thinking.

If I were you I'd set a target of pregnant before 35.
Believe it or not fertility is not something to take for granted and 35 isquite late in terms of fertility.

Yes, I can think of several women who've had children in their mid 40s but I can think of plenty of not-childless-by-choice women too.

UnaCorda · 03/12/2019 21:05

he has sometimes brought the topic up for instance asking if id want a girl or boy first

Is he under the impression you get to choose?

Anyway, I think you need to have a proper conversation about this. Does he realise that female fertility declines more sharply from around 35?

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 21:10

I think he is very sensibly setting his stall out and given what he has said, realistically he might be better suited to dating a 28 year old and would rather be hitting 35+ before he has to think of the responsibility and commitment of children. You on the other hand need to be married and TTC within about 3 years assuming all is well with your fertility. That is loads of time if you are on the same page!

tigerbear · 03/12/2019 21:17

OP, I really don’t see any red flag or issue here at all. You’ve only just gone exclusive - you have no idea whether this relationship will work out anyway, it’s very early days, so I wouldn’t go in all heavy and have The Big Talk.
I don’t think men really have much clue as to when fertility begins to decline (Tbh, I didn’t really have much clue for ages either), and never have to consider it much, so he might think nothing of saying he’d ideally like to wait a few years. I would wait a good 6 months or so and see where things go...

Original poster
user63212 · 03/12/2019 22:22

everything had been so nice and i cant remeber the last time i faniced someone enough to want to buy nice underwear!! we chat for ages on the phone and i know it is early days but it is so unlike me to actually feel someone for someone that i really had hoped this would be something.

he's not been over the top with me but has still said things like hes excited about us and he's so happy he's met me, etc etc. i dont know him completely yet of course, but he seems an honest person and when we've chatted he seems genuine and not always just trying to impress.

what im trying to say is that i dont want this to ruin something good. i dont want to bring up the topic as i feel it will make it seem like im baby crazy...im not, but i am obviously conscious of being with someone who understands how this works time wise. i feel really shit about it. do i mention it or leave it or walk away and start again trying to find someone else i click with who hasnt said something like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
user63212 · 03/12/2019 22:22

*feel something for someone

OP posts:
hettysdrawers · 03/12/2019 22:36

I remember my DP of 4 years now telling me initially that he didn't want to live together for 'a long time' Blush
Six months later he was asking if I'd start looking at flats with him. I think he was just a bit scared of things moving too fast and said that to put the brakes on a bit and maintain a boundary/manage expectations- could be the same here.

I think if he really likes you and vice versa then you're best off giving it 6 months or so enjoying it then reassess if you think things are moving in the right direction.

Original poster
user63212 · 03/12/2019 22:38

hettys he has been very forthcoming in other ways though...for example saying he doesnt go with rules for relationships and that people should do what feels right. he'd happily book a weekend away for example, but i am not ready for that.

if he is putting boundaries in place child wise, isnt that a bad sign?

also in six months if this carries on like it has then i will be very into him and it will be harder to break it off...

OP posts:
Original poster
user63212 · 03/12/2019 22:39

also, i do sometimes feel too old to just ignore this sort of stuff and enjoy the realtionship...even though thats exactly what i was doing before he made that comment. it has just alarmed me a bit.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/12/2019 22:41

You’ve been seeing him no time at all. You’ve both established that you’d like the same things. For now, that’s enough. Four months is really far too soon to be pushing talks about babies any further than acknowledging that they’re something you’d both like. What he says now in terms of timescale may well change as your relationship deepens and you have bigger conversations about how it’s all going to pan out. But honestly, bringing up a timeline for marriage and babies at this early stage - in his position I’d bow out, it’s too much too soon and completely unsexy.

Revisit in a few months time if you’re still together. Discuss whether you want to be married and own a home together before having a family and how you go about making all that happen.

Original poster
user63212 · 03/12/2019 22:43

cometesse i get what you are saying but it is him who brought up a timeframe, not me. i wouldnt have mentioned it.

the vagueness of wanting to be married for a number of years before kids worries me as obviously i wont be marrying him anytime soon...

OP posts:
JuniperBeer · 03/12/2019 22:48

You could spend the next three years “trying on” boyfriends.

Or. You could stick with this one. If that’s what you want. And in three years time you might be popping a baby out.

Don’t worry too much about the future at the moment. You’ll risk missing out on enjoying the now and present. You say you want to move fast but you’ve been together almost six months and say you’re not ready to go away with him for a weekend yet!
Go away for the night. Enjoy yourself. If you just keep browsing, you’ll end up buying nothing!

Original poster
user63212 · 03/12/2019 22:51

it's not that i want to move fast, i just dont want to be waiting for an indefinite time before having a child. i thought it was an odd thing for him to say.

as for the weekend away...i just want to be sure that it is right before whizzing off. so far, so good, but people can change cant they...as you say ive only known him four months.

i do agree though juniper i am the queen of going on dates and never actually buying!! this is the closet i have come in a long time to having feelings for someone.

OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 03/12/2019 22:58

If you like each other and are having fun stick with it. It's so hard to find someone you like.

JuniperBeer · 03/12/2019 23:11

what’s the worst that can happen! If you can afford to, go away for the night. You might realise you’re falling head over heels in love!

lifeisgoodagain · 03/12/2019 23:30

It's early days and you are young! I know I have maybe 1-2 years max so if I did want a child with my new partner I would have to commit very quickly. But we both have kids so I think we won't, would be hard to be old parents (after being young parents)

GoodDogBellaBoo · 03/12/2019 23:35

Please don’t ruin this for yourself. You like him, he likes you. How can you even think about babies when you are not even certain you want to go away with him for a weekend? That’s ridiculous.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 03/12/2019 23:38

A weekend away is just a weekend away, nothing else. If you can’t relax and have fun together now, you never will..

mrbob · 03/12/2019 23:43

I have been seeing a guy. Our 3rd date was a night away (we already had sex against the rules Wink so not a big deal) We just wanted to go somewhere that was fun and it meant we could go hiking etc. I am also confused how you can be looking at this long term but feel that a night away after FOUR months is too much commitment?!

Xmasbaby11 · 03/12/2019 23:43

It sounds normal tbh. It's a new relationship. You'd be running for the hills if he said he wanted to have babies asap.

Illeana · 03/12/2019 23:45

If you’re 32 now and he marries you at 34, you’d be trying to get pregnant at about 36. I tried to get pregnant from 36. It happened at 37. Gave birth at 38. By the time I was physically recovered enough to have a second attempt I was 40 and potentially looking at giving birth about 42, which I felt was too late.

Have you thought about timing and how many children you’d want? If you leave it till mid 30s the likelihood is you’ll only have time for one child. And that’s assuming he marries you within a couple of years. You need to have a serious talk about timing and how long you can afford to invest in him before expecting a commitment or moving on (I’d say two years max).

Chocmallows · 03/12/2019 23:49

I don't understand how he knows he would like to be married for years before trying, but you could be together for a couple of years before marriage and if you wait a few more years your fertility will have dropped. I understand the not trying before marriage, but why automatically add in time after? It may take years and IVF is expensive and stressful, easier to try when married and more fertile.

LellyMcKelly · 04/12/2019 00:04

You’ve been dating him for three or four months. Take the babies Right off the table. You barely know his shoe size yet.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 00:07

OP my third date was a weekend away. Don't worry about rules it's about whether you feel you would like to get to know him more and what feels comfortable.

I don't think he's done anything wrong but you may end up of the posters here saying at 35 he isn't ready for a baby and asking what to do. But, you really can't say yet!

Thickums · 04/12/2019 01:55

How are you not 'ready' for a weekend away? Have you not had sex yet?

If you have then i really dont understand why spending a night in a hotel is any different to spending it in your bedroom? The hotel is just nicer. A weekend away with your boyfriend isn't committing to marriage or anything Confused

What makes you anxious about it?

If anything a weekend away would do you good. If you do 2 nights then you have uninterrupted time together and may ckme back thinking hes the most annoying thing ever or be head over heels.

I think you need to be focusing on having a night away followed by a holiday before even considering marriage and children.

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