Should I cut my losses because of my age?

[user63212]

Been seeing someone since August, we had the exclusive chat a few weeks ago. it is going well. He turned 31 yesterday, I turned 32 in November, so he is a year and a bit younger. we have talked about marriage and kids (both said we want that). he has sometimes brought the topic up for instance asking if id want a girl or boy first, things like that. its never been a full conversation obviously or a planning conversation!

On his birthday night out at the weekend, we had a great time. on the way home he said quite casually that he would want to wait a while before kids and enjoy married life for a couple of years before all of that. it was said in passing and was in a wider context of a conversation which was nothing about kids or marriage and i hadnt mentioned kids or marriager earlier in the night or anything.

i cant stop thinking about it. i really want kids and have been careful not to settle down with just anyone but i am also aware that if i want children then i need to make a commitment. should i be concerned about his comment? i feel even more wary because he is younger than me, but maybe that is irrational? ive never said to him that kids are hugely important to me or i want them soon etc (i dont, but i also dont want years of waiting), ive just said i want them when he asked about it. hes made it clear he wants them too.

obviously i am not looking for someone just to be a dad...thats why i have dated a lot to try and find someone i really want to be with. i feel like he is potentially, maybe, that person. he gives me butterflies, i fancy him, i love chatting with him. if he hadnt said this i would be giving it a go and not thinking twice about children etc...i'd just be seeing how it went and hoping for the best. im not saying i want kids in the next year but if we didnt get married for years.. does he then expect to wait years after that before trying?

im aware that this is early days but that is why i want to know if anyone thinks this is potentially an issue? i really dont want to get further involved if this sort of comment is a red flag (or a red flag for someone my age wanting kids). i could speak to him about it but i dont want to make it into a huge deal... like i say if he hadnt said this i wouldnt be wanting a child in the next year or anything like that. but as a woman in my thirties i feel worried by this comment.

bit rambled, sorry!

He sounds like a smart, respectful man. Marriage should be before kids. And being married a few years first is sensible.

You could be married and trying for a baby in 3 or 4 years. That's plenty soon enough. Takes that long at least to get to know someone. Or it bloody well should before you start having kids with them.

My husband told me he never wanted children when we first met. He said he didn't want to be a dad and probably wouldn't get married either.
Then we fell in love and his (and my) whole world changed.
Now we are married with a 2 year old and one on the way.
I'm so glad I didn't let it put me off him. Men think about practicalities until they fall in love and their perspectives change (only my experience, not being sexist. They may not all be like that).
Have fun and enjoy it. You may find his timeline falls in with yours if things get really serious.

the weekend away stuff is not relevant really, i mention it only to explain that he is keen to move things forward and it hasnt all come from me.

if we got married in 6 months then a few years would be ok to wait but i wouldnt want to marry him soon! which means it could be years for marriage then years more for kids.

some people saying i should talk to him about it and others saying dont. i dont want to as i dont want to come across like im baby obsessed when it isnt like that.

posers saying it is only a few months - i know and thats why i would rather stop now. also it is him who has mentioned the topic, not me.

the fact he is a year or so younger also makes me worry about it down the line. is that silly?!

Not silly, no. You know what your priorities are and you are being realistic.

Do you want to settle down with him? If you found out that you couldn't have children or if he couldn't, would you still want to be with him?

Is he Mr Make-do not Mr Right?

If he is The One, you could go and have the fertility tests to find out if you have time on your side, not necessarily right now, but before long.

Just from my experience, I wanted babies and was dating a younger man at age 31. We split as we could see the baby/timing would be an issue. I met someone else (also younger than me by 4 years) and stated very early on that if our relationship was to work, I’d need to try for children soon! He agreed and we started at 35. I had fertility problems and IVF at 38, and I’ve just had no.2 at age 46 using an egg donor. My advice would be to ensure you are with someone who is on the same page as you, is supportive and be clear about what you want! You have every right to express your desire to have children.

OP, you suggest 'cutting your losses' as if finding another person you adore is as simple as grabbing another off the shelf. You could be 10 years before you find another person you love and want to have a family with. You have someone who wants dc and is honest with you about timing. I'm not sure you are thinking straight

I would just point it out to him. I would be upfront and say look, obviously I'm not looking to be pregnant next week or anything, but what is your vision in terms of being together for a few years, married a few years etc before you want to have kids?

Depending on how many you think you might want to have plus 9 months for each pregnancy, plus 6-12 months TTC (if you're under 35 - when over, double that just in case) you should probably have a "latest age to start" figure in mind and just say that to him. He probably has not thought about it in this much detail, because men don't really have to. He has another 20+ years of fertility. You don't.

It sounds like you have been able to discuss children before so I think this is just another part of that - it's not as though you're asking him to sign a contract, you are just making sure you're both on the same page. If he does want to wait for marriage and wait for kids and that's 5/6 years or so in total, is that OK with you or not? Or maybe he just meant 2-3 years, which might be perfectly fine.

I think I'd bring it up like "I have been thinking about what you said the other day about wanting to be married for a while before children - how long are you thinking would work for you?" And then move on to the topic of fertility if he starts giving vaguely long figures.

He’s literally a year younger. That’s not exactly a any kind of difference.

I don’t really know what your expecting op. You have only been together a few months and he’s saying he would want to get married and have a couple of years before having babies? What’s the problem.

That’s perfectly reasonable.

How would dumping him help you at all? So you can find someone to get pregnant with straight away?

What kind of timeline do you actually want for kids?

Why does a weekend away feel like too much commitment to you but you’re thinking babies and marriage (understandably, nothing wrong with thinking)
It just makes me wonder what vibes you’re giving off

OP I think you're self sabotaging. If you were a couple of years down the line I'd maybe say different but it's only been a few months. You like each other, you both want marriage and kids, go away for a weekend for a start. I'm wondering if he said that because you're actually giving off commitment phobe vibes

I wouldn’t want to invest my feelings in someone who would not have children in my timeframe.

So the question really is which is the bigger dealbreaker - having children or having someone who you love as a partner?

well it is true that it has been a long time since i have felt any real feelings for someone so i do want to give this a go.

when i think about it i have definitely given the impression i am not massively invested. but that's because ive met many people who seem to want to launch into relationships really fast and i really dont want that.

he has commented that sometimes i dont seem to think of a future with him, when he will. in contrast, say things like next christmas (2020) his family are going to the US to celebrate and he'd like me to come if we are together then. hes a lot more chatty about the future than me and i often joke that we may not be together by new year. not sure if i do that to protect myself or if i am trying to make sure he doesnt go too fast as i dont want to be scared off. all makes me sound very complicated doesnt it, and probably a sign i should jusy relax and enjoy it!!

Hi OP

It's been 4 months. I'd wait another couple of months and then you will have to talk to him.

If you like him and he is a decent guy it's not fair to split up with him over one flippant comment in a new relationship.

Equally you cant just leave it, it will eat away at you, you already seem quite stressed about it.

Put it out of your mind again and say you will just enjoy the next 3 months.

Then just be honest. Say he made a comment that is preying on your mind - that he wanted to enjoy a relationship and marriage etc for a few kids. Just ask, in an ideal world, what he is thinking in terms of timescales. That while you dont want children straight away, you would want to start trying before you're 35 so you want to know if this is incompatible with how he sees things because if it is then you need to know, because it might reduce the chances of having a family.

If you are considering any sort of future with him you should be able to have these sorts of conversations and both be honest about it without ultimatums or anything

He’s U talking about future trips etc / expressing surprise that you don’t when you’ve only been dating a couple of months. You don’t know each other yet!

Lots of men of his age have those kinds of attitudes about having DC. If the relationship gets serious some will adjust their views.

I think I'd be pulling back if I was dating you and you made reference to us not being together in the new year, so I think he must really like you. 4 months is long enough for him to know he'd like to be in a relationship, which is when we really start to know each other in reality I think.

I agree you might be too afraid to give him a chance?

OP, you sound like a sensible woman who has a plan.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
He sounds nice and you like him, which is great.
I think I would see how things go for the next 6 months and have a conversation then.
Let the relationship develop.

Men often say one thing and change their ideas as a relationship develops. Women often do the same.
Things and ideas change when a relationship is going well.

It is good to know what you want but I don't think it is unreasonable to give it 10 months for you both to have a firmer idea of where ye both are at.

Wishing you the best.

Give it six months of a really good go at a committed relationship. Who knows, you might find you don't want him after that time. But if you are still keen, then have that conversation, total honesty, explain the whole fertility thing and if he is not completely on the same page as you, then you have a choice to stay or go.

It sounds like you both really rather like each other - I think you should be enjoying that , and making sure he’s the right life partner .... I met my husband at a similar age to you and managed to have 2 children ... at 35 and 37 - probably could have fitted in a 3rd if the first 2 hadn’t been a total handful ! I have made many friends since who had children later than me .