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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else in a miserable relationship?

44 replies

Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 17:33

Does anyone else feel absolutely miserable in their relationship with no way out.

I have been with my partner 20 years, initially life was really fun, out all the time, weekends away drinking etc. Looking back it seems the only thing we really had in common was drinking.

He has been married before and the marriage ended because he didn’t want children. With me we both decided if it happened it happened and I got pregnant in 2004 and our daughter was born 2005. He was a great dad then but then certain stuff started to happen like he would never want to come out with my new mum friends or workmates, wouldn’t do family days without really pulling his feet. Just seemed to like spending time with his own friends. Over the next three years my drinking really escalated to the point where I wasn’t safe to be around our daughter and put our lives at risk really.

In 2010 I got sober, because of my behaviour we had made the descion to spilt up. He couldn’t believe I would stay sober and I felt so much guilt and Shame and hated myself I totally understood why. We slept in separate rooms and attempted to sell the house but it was a bad time. This was a really miserable time. I got on with my life done AA, made friends planned holidays and days out. Eventually we decided to get back together I was about a year sober. I talked about the feeling miserable and not participating in family stuff and he agreed to change and he did for a few years then slowly that old behaviour started slipping it. Nothing in common, no joint interests. Just staying for our daughter. It has been like that for years really but we done our own separate things and things were ok.

Daughter is now 14 and all the differences in our relationship are completely panning out. I feel he is too hard and he feels I am too soft. The misery started slipping in again last year. On holiday in August he choose to sit in apartment and watch football rather than any family days out. He hasn’t done anything with me or daughter for years now. No cinema or escape rooms as there doesn’t seem to be any give and take. If it isn’t something he wants to see or do than he won’t do it.

He is dead hard on daughter for example not turning lights off in bedroom once he won’t give pocket money. I think it’s about picking battles and loving daughter throughout.

He doesn’t like sleepover or her friends being round and I’m just like come on bring them in, she is 14 let her enjoy herself.

I love travelling and have took dd all over, he has never wanted to come and feels I spoil her by this sort of stuff. Board game night he will only join in with uno as its pretty short. Everything seems to have final descion by him, getting a pet he is just so miserable.

Currently all in separate rooms, most of the time we are all completely disjointed.

I don’t know where to turn, we are in a fixed term mortgage with 5 years left to go. House is in an really nice area which none of us could afford alone. House has an atmosphere hanging over it atall with no love or joy.

I end up sitting in my car for hours on end after work as I don’t want to go home to the atmosphere.

I need to cut and run don’t I? I just want a fun relationship where I look forward to going hone, where we cook for each other, watch tv and have a laugh. Is that too much to ask?

I am 10 years sober on Boxing Day too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 17:35

Also he won’t engage with counselling

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2019 17:40

What do you get out of this relationship now

You cannot stay with him just because of some fixed term mortgage! . This is an obstacle that can be and must be overcome.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here from you?

Do not continue to show your daughter such a terrible example of a relationship for her to potentially emulate the same in adulthood . Teach her better lessons on relationships because you would not want her to be in a bad relationship like this either. It’s also not good enough for you.

Fairycake2 · 02/12/2019 17:44

Firstly congratulations on such a great achievement with your drinking. You must be really proud. Sadly it doesn't sound like your relationship is worth saving any more, you've tried but the cracks have started to re-open and he doesn't seem to willing to change. As a child who grew up in an unhappy home with parents who were miserable, I would advise you to cut and run as soon as you can. I wish my parents had divorced long before they did. My childhood would have been much happier if they had

Interestedwoman · 02/12/2019 17:46

Yes you need to leave. It sounds utterly shit, and sooner or later the atmosphere'll effect your daughter's future mental health, too.

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 17:47

How can we get round the fixed term mortgage none of us can afford the fee to get out or neither can afford to live in it alone

OP posts:
Morporkia · 02/12/2019 17:55

Congratulations on a decade of sobriety 💐 your partner sounds exactly like the selfish prick my mother married. (Not my father, he is a selfish prick of a different kind) He made my life miserable and when they split up I was overjoyed..but that only happened after I had left home. I can’t offer you any legal or financial advice but I’m sure that there must be a multitude of advice websites & services that can. CAB maybe? Please stand up for yourself and especially for your DD. If you are worried about dv please contact women’s aid. Best of luck x

lmnoh · 02/12/2019 17:59

I stopped reading your thread after "in a miserable relationship and no way out"

There is always a way out .... !!

It's your life and you decide what you do with it xx

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 18:24

Imnoh if you have confidence and money yeah totally

OP posts:
MsNobodyHere · 02/12/2019 18:29

Imagine this: your daughter's future relationships will be a copy of what she has witnessed as to her that's normal.

It was seeing something similar on MN that made me realise I had to leave my unhappy marriage. I could not let my DCs put up with being unhappy in a relationship. I am so much happier now and leaving was like a weight had lifted.

Can part of the mortgage be ported?

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 18:54

WhT do you mean ported?

OP posts:
MsNobodyHere · 02/12/2019 19:00

You can sometimes transfer your mortgage rate to a new property. Handy if you're trapped in a fixed rate and want to sell. Speak to your mortgage company and find out.

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 19:48

I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be like. Surely it all ends up boring with nothing much in common.

I don’t know if I would be happy with anyone?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2019 19:56

Better to be with your daughter and happy than to be so badly accompanied by Mr Wrong.

Would you want your daughter to have a relationship like this as an adult?

baubled · 02/12/2019 19:59

No advice but here to tell you I'm equally miserable.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/12/2019 20:01

Oh Holding, you could be me six years ago. Wasted 20+ years on a dull drunken man who never wanted to spend time with me or DD. Felt trapped in the house, we never had any money even though he was a high earner, because he bloody drank it all.

Six years on, though, i have less disposable income and a massive solicitors bill BUT i am sitting on my own sofa with my bloody amazing partner, without my awful exH. It can be done. Its not easy, and if you are conflict-averse its awful, but its so much better.

Interestedwoman · 02/12/2019 20:11

'I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be like. Surely it all ends up boring with nothing much in common.'

Aww, no! A lot of couples have loads in common. In others, it doesn't matter because they have a laugh and get on well even if they don't share the same hobbies etc.

'I don’t know if I would be happy with anyone?'

No reason why not- but being on your own can be nice, too.

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 20:12

Funny, I am scared and keep burying my head in the sand. I am fat, 40 and replaced alcohol with binge eating. Feel I will never meet anyone.

He blames me for letting daughter always get her own way and thinks because she back chats she will grow up entitled and thinking the world owes her a living, where as I think surely every teen is like that.

Just been IKEA and ate watching love actually, he doesn’t want to help sort tree out or watch film. I just don’t get it

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 20:13

His ex wife told him she had 12 years of sheer hell! It took me a while to see why but now I want to hug her!!

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 02/12/2019 20:19

Well done on being sober 10years.Flowers you have eliminated drink from your life, dh hasnt..simply you no longer have anything in common..find a way around the finances and break free from each other..sounfs like neither of you want to be in this marriage..

crappyday2018 · 02/12/2019 21:44

Hi OP, amazing that you have been 10 years sober - well done!
In terms of the mortgage... do you not have any equity in the house? Money really means nothing when you're so miserable. If you can somehow suck up the exit fee within any equity you have, I would do it!
Porting a mortgage would basically just mean transferring it to another house so if you or your DH went on to buy one, you would just essentially take the mortgage with you. However, not sure if this is the case if its currently joint!

NovemberDays · 02/12/2019 21:54

The good things are

  • you are 10 years sober (I wish my father had done that!)
  • you are a great parent
  • you have your own job which means that you cannot be solely dependent on your H financially
  • there must be some equity in the house which will go towards a deposit on a new house and paying off the mortgage costs - surely?
  • you are posting on here which is a sign you know something has to change
  • step by step you can make a plan to leave if that is what you want to do

Do you think you can speak to a mortgage broker and a lawyer to get a proper sense of where you stand?

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 23:35

There is little equity due to the time we bought. I have used alot of my savings travelling so currently have 1000 in savings.

I earn £1000 a month. Was looking at flats to rent tonight and I could get something in the dodgy part of town which I wouldn’t be bothered about for around £400 and bills would be around £300. He I guess would want to co parent so he wouldn’t give me anything to help.

It would be tight, I could do extra shifts at work (care work) but £300 a month for petrol, food, etc would be tough.

Arghh it’s so hard.

OP posts:
morriseysquif · 02/12/2019 23:46

No advice but also miserable.

A year ago I thought I'd never break up my family, never. Now I think, I deserve to be happy and I do not want to be with DP in five years time, even two years time.

I do know I need to be in the driving seat of my own life rather than a passenger in the continual mess up of a life that is DP's.

With tax credits, you could make it work?

We only have one life, this is it, make it happy.

Original poster
Holdingtherope · 02/12/2019 23:51

I honestly don’t think I can be the only one on mumsnet that feels trapped and like this! My friends seem in similar situations

OP posts:
lmnoh · 03/12/2019 00:12

@Holdingtherope
Please don't think my comment earlier was harsh ...
I was in a similar position 4 yrs ago.
SAHM / no job / lived in a house where my name wasn't on the mortgage / not married/ no money.
I would have stayed in a very unhappy relationship because I didn't know what else to do but after many failed attempts with counselling my ex called time on us, and I was told to move out.
I was so scared of what i would do but a good friend helped me start the ball rolling with what I was entitled to until I got onto my feet.
The first year was so incredibly hard but then one day I thought enough is enough and I took control of my life.
Not a day goes by that I think we should have stayed together for the sake of it and although I don't have much, I'm happy.
I wish you all the luck and take to the advise that others give you xx