Anyone else in a miserable relationship?

[Holdingtherope]

Does anyone else feel absolutely miserable in their relationship with no way out.

I have been with my partner 20 years, initially life was really fun, out all the time, weekends away drinking etc. Looking back it seems the only thing we really had in common was drinking.

He has been married before and the marriage ended because he didn’t want children. With me we both decided if it happened it happened and I got pregnant in 2004 and our daughter was born 2005. He was a great dad then but then certain stuff started to happen like he would never want to come out with my new mum friends or workmates, wouldn’t do family days without really pulling his feet. Just seemed to like spending time with his own friends. Over the next three years my drinking really escalated to the point where I wasn’t safe to be around our daughter and put our lives at risk really.

In 2010 I got sober, because of my behaviour we had made the descion to spilt up. He couldn’t believe I would stay sober and I felt so much guilt and Shame and hated myself I totally understood why. We slept in separate rooms and attempted to sell the house but it was a bad time. This was a really miserable time. I got on with my life done AA, made friends planned holidays and days out. Eventually we decided to get back together I was about a year sober. I talked about the feeling miserable and not participating in family stuff and he agreed to change and he did for a few years then slowly that old behaviour started slipping it. Nothing in common, no joint interests. Just staying for our daughter. It has been like that for years really but we done our own separate things and things were ok.

Daughter is now 14 and all the differences in our relationship are completely panning out. I feel he is too hard and he feels I am too soft. The misery started slipping in again last year. On holiday in August he choose to sit in apartment and watch football rather than any family days out. He hasn’t done anything with me or daughter for years now. No cinema or escape rooms as there doesn’t seem to be any give and take. If it isn’t something he wants to see or do than he won’t do it.

He is dead hard on daughter for example not turning lights off in bedroom once he won’t give pocket money. I think it’s about picking battles and loving daughter throughout.

He doesn’t like sleepover or her friends being round and I’m just like come on bring them in, she is 14 let her enjoy herself.

I love travelling and have took dd all over, he has never wanted to come and feels I spoil her by this sort of stuff. Board game night he will only join in with uno as its pretty short. Everything seems to have final descion by him, getting a pet he is just so miserable.

Currently all in separate rooms, most of the time we are all completely disjointed.

I don’t know where to turn, we are in a fixed term mortgage with 5 years left to go. House is in an really nice area which none of us could afford alone. House has an atmosphere hanging over it atall with no love or joy.

I end up sitting in my car for hours on end after work as I don’t want to go home to the atmosphere.

I need to cut and run don’t I? I just want a fun relationship where I look forward to going hone, where we cook for each other, watch tv and have a laugh. Is that too much to ask?

I am 10 years sober on Boxing Day too!

You will probably be entitled to some sort of benifit op, presuming you are in the UK?

Hi, I am in the same kind relationship but only stay because children are young and I need him as childcare really. We live separate at same house. I give up on talk or do anything with him. He is so busy watching TV and playing video games that he would move from the chair to help put the shop away, days out as family for him is a chore and he always throw a tantrun on family holidays. Just carry on with life as independent single woman that is not looking for another man at moment, my kids are young but they already realised that the father figure doesn't participate much so they don't bother when we go out without him. I aam slowly getting him out of my life, but still living at same house. 5 more years and you can sell the house and get a flat with you daughter. Will pass quick.

I also think you would be entitled to some kind of benefits as well - and unless child arrangements were 50/50, he would have to pay some kind of child maintenance.

Child arrangements would be 50/50 as he couldn’t afford to give me anything. We would both be on our arses

Look up how much you would get on entitledto.com. i get UC and work part time.

How would it be 50/50 in practice if he does not participate in anything now?

Could you officially separate under 1 roof? Have a long term plan to get out, even if you have to wait 5 years till the fixed term is up. Or could you do something like separate, rent a 1 bedroom flat and take turns being in the house with DD with other one staying in the flat?

I feel trapped and miserable. I feel paralysed with fear at the thought of everything involved in separating our lives especially as I can't work and may never be able too. I have a chronic illness and am really sick. 3 DC under 7, 1 with SEN and 1 with anxiety and ongoing chronic medical issues. I can't work, but do everything at home and for DC which is making me sicker. I know long term I have to get out whatever the cost, because staying will destroy me. But I can't cope with it right now. So I'm slowly saving and making plans and hoping one day I'll have the strength to tell DH I'm done.

Hi Holding, Another one here who was 'trapped' in a marriage with a husband like yours. He was completely checked out of family life, totally self absorbed in his career and hobbies. I was effectively a single parent, housekeeper and cook who facilitated his life without him actually participating so I can understand your misery. I think we all need connection with our partners and it has an effect on your mental health. You sound very down. As other pp have said, why don't you check out your entitlement to tax credits? I believe you can tap in the figures online on the government website. Perhaps someone can find the link.

It will be hard to disentangle yourself from your marriage but you have managed 10 years sober so are obviously a very resilient, determined person. You can do this.

A few years down the line, I have met the most wonderful, entertaining partner who makes me laugh and does all the things you are looking for. They are out there. Like you I thought marriage ended up as boring drudgery. It doesn't. My expectations were set up in my childhood and I accepted a substandard relationship with my ex-husband because of it. Are you able to access some counselling through AA? Perhaps explore your childhood and the 'wrong' messages you may have picked up? You can break the cycle. You really can.

www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator

Wow 10 years sober, that's amazing! Well done, seriously that is a huge achievement and it shows how strong and dedicated you can be.

Now on to the relationship...yes it needs to end. Amicably if possible obviously but this isn't a good example for your daughter and you openly admit you are miserable being in that house with him. It's not normal to want to spend hours on end in your car alone. I mean we all crave alone time sometimes and I'd be lying if I said I haven't driven around the block a few times listening to a good song rather than coming straight home to cook tea amongst the chaos of kids etc. But to not even want to sleep in same room together, not even play family games together, not just hang out and laugh together isn't normal or healthy imo.

I'd be seriously looking at ways to afford 2 separate houses and getting out. Life is short. Don't waste it feeling this way.

Is there any any way to live in the same house together as room mates? Has anyone done this? I am not entitled to anything by the looks of it. CAB calling me tomorrow.

When daughter 18 I’m out of there I just can’t make it work so I can afford to keep us both

I think waiting 4 years might do your head in. I’m not sure why you need childcare if your Dd is 14. I think looking at practical things in preparation would be a good idea though. Give yourself maybe 6 months or a year? Get legal advice? Benefits advice? Look around at housing to see what you could get.

Sorry just seen your CAB post. However legal advice important and CABs knowledge will be limited here

Try and work out a way to be happy, I stayed with stbexh for 10 years too long because I was worried about money, he left, he's been really fair with spousal and I'm now in love with an amazing man

I’m not worried about childcare but I have no idea how I will live if ex doesn’t give me a contribution and he won’t as we will share custody

Split up, sell the house, split the equity and start again. He will have to pay maintainable and he won’t want shared custody, believe me. Someone who isn’t arsed with kids doesn’t want them more than they have to to not look bad so that will be every other weekend and one day a week and to be honest, at 14, your daughter can decide what she wants which judging by how critical he is of her, she might only rarely want to see him.

Happiness is not defined by where you live.

As for the feeling fat, low in confidence etc, that is normal when you are feeling like you do. It’s amazing what releasing that misery can do for you and I’m sure you will be back on your feet in no time. Don’t fret about meeting someone else. You are on your own now effectively and managing perfectly well so you will do so again if you move.

One life and all that. Don’t stay miserable.

I am not sure why you keep saying it will be shared care. This is a man who by all accounts has not been bothered with family stuff (and is not suddenly going to change) and your DD is old enough that her wishes will and should be taken into account.

Dont buy in that situation OP, rent, you will almost certainly on that income and with a child at home get most of your rent paid