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Original poster

What do you think of this? Feel like rug pulled

65 replies

tampongate · 02/12/2019 11:23

I've been dating someone for 6 months. We both travel a lot so away for periods of time, but things have stepped up in frequency since October (seeing each other most days and staying over 2 nights a week at each other's places.)

While he was travelling last week he called me from abroad in the evening to say hi, that he had been thinking about me a lot, and he was very drunk. While we were talking he said he was looking forward to seeing me the next day and he said that when we see each other and we have sex, he wants me to say (he read it out to me like a script): that I love him, I want to be his and that I want to belong to him forever. He was insistent on it. Saying please, for me, say it to me. This didn't seem odd to me, although we are not saying "I love you" or anything, it's still quite early days, and the other stuff is not the kind of thing I would normally say.

Fast forward to the next day and we spend a nice afternoon and evening, go out for dinner, go back to his and we start having sex. While we are at it, I start saying what he wants me to say. Sex is good and finishes and we hold each other, and he says, "I'm a bit surprised by what you said?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "you know what I mean, all the stuff about love, and being min forvever, it's pretty full on. To be honest, it makes me a bit scared."

I was really tired and a bit drunk myself and got quite upset but couldn't put my finger on why. He said "listen, things are great. You are my girlfriend and we care about each other and we have amazing sex and we love being around each other. But I am not ready to start talking about forever or making big decisions. I hope that's okay?"

when I eventually sobered up and woke up the next morning I was still upset and reminded him that this is what he told me to say. He says he doesn't remember. When I insisted that he did, he tried to brush it off and just said "I suppose I have to stop drinking." Every time I bring it up now he brushes it off quickly, but that conversation has stayed with me.

I feel completely set up and manipulated and a bit embarrassed.

Do you think my reaction is normal? What is he playing at?

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 02/12/2019 23:03

You letting him dictate what you were to say to him during sex was weird yes, and the fact you didn't ask him what the fuck he was going on about, when he started telling you it was too soon to be saying that, gave me the absolute rage.

Louise91417 · 02/12/2019 23:03

Belong to him forever!? Wtf?Confused and why in the name of all things sane would you repeat this back to himHmm

Longfacenow · 02/12/2019 23:10

The more I think about it the more I think you didn't actually say anything weird or OTT at all. Declaring loving feelings during sex is totally normal, and in the moment it is natural to get carried away and let your true feelings out. I'm aware that you were fulfilling a sexual desire of his, but even if you weren't, he has been rather horrible about it.

It isn't unusual to me to have a request list of fantasies including sex talk but this feels more gaslighty than anything.

NoSquirrels · 02/12/2019 23:30

Sounds extremely manipulative.

But - check your own boundaries. If I had a borderline distressing conversation with a drunk partner where he insisted I NEEDED to say something the next time we had sex, I would bring it up the next time we spoke when he was sober e.g. "Do you remember what you said last night?"

I also wouldn't have parroted back to him what he insisted I should say the next time we were having sex. I just ... wouldn't. Not if I hadn't had the "You were so drunk last night" conversation.

Nevertheless, he sounds like he's manipulated you for his own reasons, and I would back the hell off from that as quickly as I possibly could.

lexiepuppy · 03/12/2019 00:36

That was a big dose of mindfuckery he gave you.
He sounds like a right prick and his gaslighting shines brightly in the drunken haze.

He has the push pull tactics going on.

Personally I would get out now before he does anymore damage.

Butterymuffin · 03/12/2019 05:44

I also think it's deliberate. It feels like it's been done to establish the idea that you care more about him than he does about you, so you feel like the needy one. It would also make me feel really awkward about sex in future having had it used to be manipulative like that.

FredaFrogspawn · 03/12/2019 05:51

Horrid. But I agree that it’s a lesson on not doing as you’re told by some bloke who is clearly getting his rocks off on being the big man putting you down.

category12 · 03/12/2019 05:52

Yeah, I'd be out.

Mind games are a hard no.

itsmecathycomehome · 03/12/2019 06:01

It's a lesson for you in not saying or doing things that you're uncomfortable with, just because you've been told to.

Only you know whether it's plausible that he was so drunk that he genuinely can't remember saying those things, or whether he's set you up in a manipulative and cruel way for unknown reasons.

GertrudeCB · 03/12/2019 06:24

He is a manipulative headcase.
If I were you I'd move on, as he is testing your boundaries.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 06:35

Why would you even say it? Hmm
"I want to belong to you forever" erm...

Run for the hills.

FredaFrogspawn · 03/12/2019 06:45

The more I think about it, the more it sounds like he was testing you to see how manipulative he could be. How much you would do as you were told. And how bad he could make you feel by spurning you when you obeyed. It smacks of a sense of ownership, as do the words themselves of course. A bit sinister really.

Cacklingmags · 03/12/2019 21:31

Gaslighting dick. Pop him in the bin.

HungryBelly · 04/12/2019 06:01

What on earth? I find it difficult to believe that he didn’t remember saying those things. I would definitely consider ending the relationship.

AlwaysCheddar · 04/12/2019 06:37

Big red flag! Ltb

NearlyGranny · 04/12/2019 07:00

He's a player, I think. There are men out there following weird rules they get from a game book. This sounds just like the sort of thing they teach.

It's supposed to keep a woman uncertain, unstable and one down all the time.

BlouseAndSkirt · 04/12/2019 07:29

There is no way I would have followed his instructions. Because he was obviously drunk and it was drunk rambling nonsense, and secondly because I wouldn’t follow a script like that if it wasn’t what I was feeling naturally.

Watch out in case it is gaslighting
Mind your boundaries.

Karwomannghia · 04/12/2019 07:35

How awful for you, so confusing.

But there is a really important lesson here. Don’t ever say anything you are not completely comfortable with no matter who tells you to. Be true to yourself and your own beliefs.

I don’t think you can trust your boyfriend.

Lexplorer · 04/12/2019 07:43

I wouldn't bother with an explanation, just end it. What a dick.

ScreamingValenta · 04/12/2019 07:47

I agree with NearlyGranny. This will be some 'technique' he's picked up - a form of 'negging'. I think you should get rid.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2019 08:30

that I want to belong to him forever
You never ever belong to anyone.
You are NOT a possession!
The fact you say This didn't seem odd to me is ringing alarm bells for me!
He sounds like a manipulative dickhead to be honest.

Divebar · 04/12/2019 08:51

The only time I’ve ever had a conversation about talking during sex it’s usually because they want you to talk utter filth ( which is fine I’m not judging). I’ve never come across a guy wanting lovey dovey stuff ( if you can call it that) when we weren’t at that stage yet. Sounds like a test of obedience to me. The only other comment I would have is that in my experience alcohol can loosen tongues so people reveal things that genuinely believe but typically conceal. I had a male friend and the only reason I knew he liked me romantically was because of a conversation we had when he was drunk. He never ever gave any other indication apart from that one time - although he acknowledged the conversation subsequently. I’m not sure in your situation if I would dump this guy but I’d certainly be very alert for future signs of manipulation (although I would suggest it would probably take a different form) Definite warning shots across his bow though - tell him he’s got the wrong woman if he thinks that’s the way to
conduct himself.

totallyoutnumbered · 04/12/2019 09:26

No. No. No. Add so many red flags you could make bunting. Totally agree with everyone on here and hope you're seeing it too OP x

BorryMum · 04/12/2019 09:46

I don't understand why, when he asked you why you said it that you didn't say straight away that he told you to in the drunken phone call?

You said you were tired and drunk yourself at the time, but you were able to remember what he said to you and you repeated it, why didn't you just tell him he said it then?

CruellaDeVille2019 · 04/12/2019 09:55

Most people even when very drunk will remember conversations the next day with a bit of prompting. I would put money on him knowing that he asked you to say it and is feeling a bit embarrassed. He didn't have to be such an arse about it though and I find that reaction more worrying than him drunkenly asking you to say something during sex.