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Original poster

Boyfriend wants a break..

38 replies

ImARocketMan · 02/12/2019 09:33

I'll try and keep this brief but also don't want to miss any details or dripfeed..

I was on a night out on Saturday in the town BF lives in, he said he would pick me up at the end of the night and we could go back to his and spend the day together on Sunday. We were in contact all evening, I had had a few drinks, he sent me a message saying what I thought was that he was going for a nap and would get me later but instead what he was saying was he was going to bed. I got a taxi to his and felt a bit stood up tbh, his place was in darkness and he didn't even say hello but was definitely awake. I had a bit of a go and said I feel as though I make all the effort to see him and he turned around and said I shouldn't make the effort then.

I apologised on Sunday morning for my overreaction which he accepted but then was acting off with me all morning so I asked if he was still annoyed and he said yes, he feels I belittle him all the time, doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to live in the town I'm from (we've been discussing living together and both said where I live is best fit for us both) and he doesn't feel he can go on, he wants a break until after Christmas and then we'll talk!

I feel totally blindsided by this, he's never said I've upset him before at the times I'm supposedly belittling him and it's the first I've heard that he doesn't want to move from where he stays. I feel like if he had spoken to me about it I could have changed the way I'm speaking to him and also that we could have discussed living other places, I'm open to that! Instead, he's been annoyed in silence, falling out of love with me and I'm going along thinking everything is fine and so now I'm absolutely gutted. I don't really want a break and am so worried at the end of it he's going to say he doesn't want to see me anymore. I also feel really stupid because I've already got his Christmas present which was something for us to do together - a ticket for each of us to an event that can't be swapped into someone else's name and involves a night away.

I'm not even sure what I really want from this thread, I haven't told anyone about it because I don't want to until I know what's happening if we're staying together or not and until then I feel as though I'm in limbo. Maybe if someone could just tell me to get a grip or he's being unreasonable that could help!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 02/12/2019 09:43

What a horrid cowardly tosspot - he's engineered an argument out of what happened on Saturday night to justify mothballing you over the Christmas period while he goes partying with his new girlfriend (but with you in reserve just in case it doesn't work out).

Wants a break, my arse. If he doesn't love you any more now, what difference will a month apart make? Please don't sit around for the duration hoping he comes back - keep your self-respect and make the decision for him. How dare he treat you like this?

Original poster
ImARocketMan · 02/12/2019 09:44

Sorry that was much longer than I intended, the TLDR is BF feels differently about me but never mentioned it before and now wants a break and I'm not sure where I stand.

OP posts:
SebandAlice · 02/12/2019 09:46

I think a break is a cowards way of breaking up with you. Sorry.

Snipples · 02/12/2019 09:51

Yeah sorry agree with the others - a break is just a way of dumping you while stringing you along for a month or two.

I'd get rid OP. You deserve better than this. Were you together for long?

Picklypickles · 02/12/2019 09:51

My ex used to do this, would turn around out of the blue and decide he "needed a break", did it the first year we were together a few weeks before Christmas. It was because he wanted to put it about all over the place basically.

notnowmaybelater · 02/12/2019 09:52

ImARocketMan don't be a door mat desperate to change to keep him - your relationship will limp on for another few months or years if you do, with him treating you increasingly badly and you continuing to take any disrespect, being cheated on, being let down, until finally he dumps you anyway.

He's told you he doesn't love you - don't accept "we're on a break" and follow him about like a kicked puppy, dump him - clean break, be sad, be angry, realise you deserve better, move on.

Aussiebean · 02/12/2019 09:59

Even if he didn’t want to break up but couldn’t actually do it (probably because you were in his house and he didn’t want the hassle)

He has just shown you that his way of dealing with problems is to bottle them up, get secretly angry at you, then explode out of nowhere and make you feel horrible.

That will be bad when you are recovering from birth and trying to breastfeed a sick baby and he is pissed he isn’t the centre of your attention anymore.

He has given you an insight into how your future will be if you stay together.

Do you really want to be with a man like that?

OrangeZog · 02/12/2019 10:03

I’d take control of the situation and end things now. He is just being either a coward about breaking up with you or wants to see how things work out over the Christmas period with another woman. Neither options are something to put up with. At least now you can walk away with some dignity.

Original poster
ImARocketMan · 02/12/2019 10:24

Thanks everyone for your input, I really wanted to make things work but it seems like no one thinks it will so I've got a lot to think about! Reading it all back I feel like such a wimp and that maybe I'm being naive. We've been together about 18 months so not a huge amount of time but long enough that I feel quite heartbroken, if we'd been together just a few months I wouldn't be bothered. It's the first fight we've had in all this time and it feels like it's over something so stupid that I hoped he was just overreating and would realise he's being daft. I really don't think there's someone else but then I also thought he loved me and I was wrong there too!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/12/2019 10:38

Absolutely, dump anyone who asks to have a break from a relationship.

Have a great time without him.

madcatladyforever · 02/12/2019 10:41

He wants to break up with you but is too cowardly to say so.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/12/2019 10:42

You're allowed to be heartbroken, it doesn't matter how long you've been together! But yes, it sounds as though he was silently planning his exit for a while. It's not 'a break' it's 'broken'.

Tell him thanks and goodbye and leave with your head held high, rather than holding on for 'after Christmas'.

PaterPower · 02/12/2019 10:51

Lots of people don’t like to talk about how they’re feeling, and do bottle it up and then vomit it all out in one go. It may not be about him wanting to shag around.

But I do agree with PP that it’s not really a break he’s after - it’s his way of ending the relationship permanently without telling you. At the end of Christmas I imagine he’d just ghost you if you got back in touch. He probably rationalises it to himself as being kinder that way.

Auradal · 02/12/2019 11:21

yes, he feels I belittle him all the time, doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to live in the town I'm from (we've been discussing living together and both said where I live is best fit for us both)

None of those things will be solved by having a break. Once someone has said they don't love you any more, it's time to ditch them and move on - no matter how hard it is for you.
Do not let him keep you hanging on over Christmas.
An ex did this to me once and I am annoyed with myself for taking him back in mid-January (when he'd enjoyed a wild party season single and I was crying into my tea all Christmas). He then left again the following December!!! And so I cut all contact - he wasn't going to get away with that twice.
Just tell him it's clear the relationship has no future and so you are ending it now, permanently.
And then you can take some time to cry and then start to get on with your own life again.

Groovinpeanut · 02/12/2019 11:49

It's obvious his feelings towards you have changed, if he doesn't love you anymore it's game over really isn't it?
He's a coward for giving you false hope that after Christmas he'll talk to you. So you're expected to be in limbo.
Dump his sad sorry arse and leave with dignity.
He's a prat!

PhannyPharts · 02/12/2019 13:38

He's keeping his options open, I'm sorry.

I am also willing to bet real life money that as soon as you start seeing someone else, he will be back in some form.

Original poster
ImARocketMan · 02/12/2019 14:42

@PhannyPharts not sure about that but I can give you very good odds on me heading straight to the shops after work for a bottle of wine and a tub of Ben & Jerrys to be eaten straight from the carton with a spoon Grin

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 02/12/2019 14:47

He wants to break up with you but is too cowardly to say so.

Agree, sorry.

Aloe6 · 02/12/2019 14:48

I haven't told anyone about it because I don't want to until I know what's happening if we're staying together or not and until then I feel as though I'm in limbo

I understand wanting to avoid the embarrassment but if you tell people who love you what he’s doing their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Then they can support you too.

Don’t let him keep you hanging on, tell him you’ve had a think about it and actually you want to make a clean break. I agree with PP that he’ll come crawling back if he sees you moving on.

Jayneisapain · 02/12/2019 14:49

Another one saying hes keeping his options open. Dont let him. Message and say you've had a chance to think and you are not willing to settle for someone who doesn't think he loves you. You deserve someone who 100% loves you and is sure about that. If you walk away and seem like you are closing the door yourself and he doesn't even try to follow then you've just been told everything you need to know.

MashedSpud · 02/12/2019 14:52

A break means he wants to shag about while keeping you on the back burner as an option in case his new flings don’t work out.

Bin him.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/12/2019 14:55

He wants to fuck around but keep you as an option. Fuck that. I'd bin him off.

StormTreader · 02/12/2019 15:21

He's not breaking up with you because he wants to resume this after christmas if he doesnt find a better prospect over the holidays.

Basically he wants to be a single player with a guaranteed safety net.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 15:24

I agree with the others, sorry. He wants the chance to play around whilst being reassured he has a warm bed to go to if nobody fancies him.

dreichXmas · 02/12/2019 15:39

This is the song you need OP.

www.songfacts.com/lyrics/the-beautiful-south/a-little-time