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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To wrap or not to wrap?

32 replies

66Fire · 01/12/2019 13:19

Nc as this is rediculous!

DP has thrown a grumpy strop today as i asked him to wrap some christmas presents to get them sorted for under the tree and ultimately out of my way. Theyre presents he has bought for me.

Turns out he hates wrapping. Thinks he is dreadful at it. A meltdown ensued over his abilities. 2 presents in out of 8 he gave up in a huff and stormed out the room, accusing me of laughing at him. I didnt. I smiled in his direction in encouragement.

He does this occassionally if there is a task to complete... he will feel insecure in his abilities (Usually compared to me) and get on edge. Accuse me of laughing (I never have laughed at him, i can see he is stressed out and im not cruel).
I hate the accusations of laughing at him, it makes him sound crazy. Ive tried to explain this when he has calmed down, to which he says he doesnt understand why he gets so stressed or says these things. He doesn'tknow why he feels so insecure in his abilities for silly things, like wrapping presents, cooking, or washing up for example. Always compared to me. Im certainly no wonder woman but do quietly and effortlessly get on with things.

Any one else come across similar with their DP? Any tips on how to stop it or prevent it?

He is lovely the rest of the time. He doesnt throw things or put me down, its always just about what hes doing. It passes in about half hour then hes back to his normal affectionate calm self.

OP posts:
Bigearringsbigsmile · 01/12/2019 13:25

He throws a strop and then doesn't have to do the job??
Theres your answer!

reesewithoutaspoon · 01/12/2019 13:28

yeah my dad used to do this. managed to never have to wash a dish or clothes or basically do anything he didnt like as my mum "was just so much more capable at it"

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 13:28

Not at all, he always does it or will do it. But has a crisis of confidence saying he has done a rubbish job after.

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 01/12/2019 13:30

Does he have dyspraxia?

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 13:30

He started off like this about washing up. 6 monnths later he just gets on with it without a fuss or asking.

Its the first few times he does things. Then occassionally after he will make comments about how rubbish he is at things.

Its not a way to get out of things, i wouldnt stand for that. This is a real emotional reaction, he isnt putting it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 13:32

@myotherusernamewastakenagain
Not that I know of. Not that he knows? What would the symptoms be?

He is rubbish with understanding his own feelings generally (But tells me he loves me all the time and is very affectionate) - negative emotions he doesnt cope with though. Never lashes out just gets really down on himself.

OP posts:
BennyTheBall · 01/12/2019 13:33

Who normally wraps his presents for you? He sounds like a prat.

I can't imagine having to instruct my dh to wrap my presents...

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 13:36

@bennytheball
This is the first time he has bought me presents that require wrapping. Its not that he doesnt think he needs to do it, its that he thinks ill think he has done a rubbish job. That he isnt good enough at it.

Yes, its rediculous. No, i never smirk or laugh and he admits after its all calmed down i dont do anything to provoke him. He doesnt understand his own reactions.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 01/12/2019 13:36

Is it always things he considers wife-work that cause these massive feelings of inadequacy and meltdowns which result in you taking over to restore peace?

Do these feelings of inadequacy and meltdowns happen at work, or doing things he enjoys? Or is it just with you and housework?

These are tactics used by toddlers to avoid doing things they don't like or aren't good at. They are unable to regulate emotions and sense of ego. Grownups realise they have to do things they aren't great at. And also cope with the fact other people are better at some things than them.

HellonHeels · 01/12/2019 13:41

How old is he and how did he get to that age without learning to wash up?

I'm utterly incredulous at this and assume he's developed the tantrumming as a way of dodging any tasks he doesn't want to do.

egontoste · 01/12/2019 13:42

My dh is spectacularly crap at present-wrapping. But he gets on with it and over 20+ years I've never had to 'take over' because of his gobsmackingly awful cack-handedness.

(BTW I'm very careful not to make any comments about the truly terrible job he's done when I'm unwrapping gifts from him)

Divebar · 01/12/2019 13:43

I’m unclear why you’re instructing him to do it in the first place? How big are these presents that they are “ in your way”? This whole dynamic is a bit weird... like a parent / child and he’s the child. It’s 1st December... these things don’t need to be wrapped yet they can just be put away until such time as he wishes to deal with them.

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 13:46

@Thingsdogetbetter I dont take over. He doesnt ask me to. He carries on and will do it. Its even stuff he takes the initiative on, such as cooking.

And no, he will say im much better at driving for example - a typcially male persuit i guess, as he is into cars a lot. Then when he is driving us he will keep saying "Youre so much better at this, is my driving ok??" All the time.

He doesnt do it to get out of stuff. He knows he has to do things, but gets in a tizz during. He will also complete what he is doing - he never just strops off and leaves stuff. He has said today he will finish the wrapping next week, as we have to go out this afternoon anyway there isnt time for him to finish.

He does also have insecurities at work. He had a bully of a boss recently who kept putting him down and picking holes in his work. He couldnt do anything right - he really was a bully, i saw the emails, but he was the company owner. He left the job as he wasnt coping with the stress of it.

OP posts:
Kitty2020 · 01/12/2019 13:51

What is his mother and father like?

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 14:01

@Kitty2020 his father is an alpha male, silverback type. Hard as nails. Pushed him hard as a kid to be a sportsman (DP is an ex pro sportsman, from many many years ago now). Mother took a back seat and was a housewife for years but is very demanding of DPs time.

Sorry to drip feed...
I should point out, weve only been together 18 months or so, so we still have first times on things.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 01/12/2019 14:04

He sounds really tiresome.

Suggest he get himself sorted out in therapy.

Sparkletastic · 01/12/2019 14:07

It's likely all about his parents and childhood. You can help / reprogram if my experience with DH is typical but it takes a long time and a certain amount of patience and willingness to lose your shit if needs be

Kitty2020 · 01/12/2019 14:11

Thought so.
He needs individual psychotherapy to address the permanent harm inflicted by his emotionally abusive DF - which is now causing him to fail in the workplace and in personal relationships. This will continue to corrode your relationship unless he seeks professional help to heal the wound. Do a review and keep a list of issues/incidents listed on your phone so that you can keep a log of patterns to show him.

What’s his relationship history?

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 15:53

@Kitty2020 you're on to something, thank you. After reading your last input there it clicked for me.
His dad made him feel inadequate by pushing him and sneering at perceived failures. Ive just bought it up with him and he agreed that might be a link.
It resonates through his past relationships. Last long term relationship he walked out of feeling overwhelmed by her lifestyle demands... for a bigger car (He gave her a new range rover, it wasnt enough), bigger better designer gifts, she then demanded a new bigger house, that he was to fund. At that point he cracked and left, feeling like he could never provide enough to keep her happy. He walked away with nothing, just to get away.
He doesnt talk down about her, just says she was quite materialistic and he found it stressful. Im not materialistic and i also earn more than him, have more assets, and dont require expensive gifts as proof of love. He says this is the most comfortable he has ever felt in a relationship, but there are obviously still demons.

Any tips @Sparkletastic?

OP posts:
OhHellYa · 01/12/2019 15:58

Your last post made a lot of sense, there's generally more to these things than meets the eye. I guess to counter-act things like that, although it might seem like handling him with 'kid-gloves' you could just go over and above with the praise when he does something right, so it finally sinks in. Or when he's doing something difficult Grin, sorry, like wrapping presents, maybe don't sit there watching him

Babysharkdoodoodood · 01/12/2019 16:00

Bit besides the point, but I can't wrap, so plonk everything in gift bags. And they re-use again and again.

Sparkletastic · 01/12/2019 16:40

All I'd say is address it don't ignore it for a quiet life. If he's not too defensive then point out when he's behaving in a way that relates to how he was parented. With my DH it really helps that he gets on well with my parents. It helps him see that negative behaviours that were / are normal in his family and not normal in others. We also don't see too much of his parents and the distance (geographical and emotional) has really helped him to feel happier and more relaxed.

FelixFelicis6 · 01/12/2019 16:48

Working out the reasons why etc is all well and good (and I have similar insecurities and it is horrible), but I absolutely would not put up with stropping, storming off and accusing you of things you haven’t done. These are his issues and he can’t take them out on you, that is the line he doesn’t cross. It doesn’t matter if he is fine again half an hour later, it’s not ok.

I suggest you continue to support him but tell him clearly you will not put up with him directing his distress at you. You are not the emotional punchbag at these times.

Original poster
66Fire · 01/12/2019 18:37

Thank you all so much for your replies to my last post.
It has taken me until the last month to realise the pattern and the last 2 times (This time inclusive, and the last time) this occured i have told him its not acceptable to accuse me of things i havent done as it makes me feel terrible and ruins the atmosphere. I also dont want him to not feel what he does isnt good enough, as he is very well capable!

As a side note, my mum was paranoid about "people laughing at her" but in different way - a story for the Stately Homes thread! So it really hits a nerve / is triggering with me in a hard way when i get accused of that. I was trained young not to laugh in someones direction when theyre stressed!

Now weve "cracked the code", thanks to you kind MNrs i think itll help going forward as i can nip it in the bud much quicker hopefully.

OP posts:
Whiteroverbaby · 01/12/2019 20:48

How lucky are you getting 8 presents. If he doesn't want to wrap them he could put them in a Christmas gift bag with tissue paper. I think he sounds childish but not sure why it bothers you so much he is a man.

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