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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can he be so cruel?

30 replies

Fairycake2 · 01/12/2019 11:46

My DH of 4 years (together 7) just upped and left 3 weeks ago saying he couldn't be a step parent anymore and found my DD (age 9) annoying. I hoped it was only temporary and we would work things out but he's since made it clear (by text) that he doesn't want to. Since then I've heard nothing from him, although he will respond to my messages about the house. The last time I spoke to him I was in floods of tears and although I'm a lot more over that stage, he's not even asked if I'm ok. He's suffering with depression but I still don't understand how he can switch his feelings off so easily and not even seem to care about me any more. How do I learn to accept that just doesn't give a shit any more and start to move on? Luckily we don't have a DC together so I won't need to stay in touch

OP posts:

Louise91417 · 01/12/2019 11:50

What was his relationship with your dc like?

bgegmum · 01/12/2019 11:52

Wow what an arsehole. Blaming a child for him not wanting to be there is low. It doesn't make sense to be there for that long and then drop because he no longer wants to be step dad. I think he just doesn't want to be with you and blaming your daughter because it's easier than telling you he doesn't want to be with you.
I think you've had a lucky escape tbh.
It's going to be hard and your daughter will also find it hard but you will get there eventually.
He may come round eventually and want to be with you once he realises the grass isn't greener on the other side but personally I wouldn't take him back at all.
Best way to get over him would be cut contact all together and get yourself a xxl teddy bear. They're great company at night. Also keep in mind that leaving and blaming a child is a dick move.
Really hope you and your daughter are ok. And I hope you start to feel better soon.
It will all work out. Stay strong.

Seaweed42 · 01/12/2019 11:59

How mean of him to use your daughter as an excuse to leave. How dare he do that to her. By doing that he cleverly deflects blame off himself. I think if you look back, you may find that is something he has always done.
He has also tried to cast your precious daughter in a bad light. That is emotional manipulation.
Sorry you are going through this but sounds like you and your daughter are better off without someone like this. He hasn't asked about you because his main focus and interest is on himself. He is a selfish prick and you are looking at him through rose tinted glasses.

SuperbMonkey · 01/12/2019 11:59

Your poor thing. I feel for you. There are no easy answers or explanations. I’m in the same position but 3 months in after a much longer relationship. We have no children. I believe there was an OW involved. My counsellor has described a syndrome called ‘the entitled male’. A certain type of man will leave a relationship if he thinks that he is being required to provide emotional support to his partner. He leaves by emotionally disengaging and then physically leaving (perhaps making misleading promises on the temporary nature), before cutting off altogether. The cold texts are part of the cutting off. The problem is with the man (I guess there could be an entitled female syndrome too but we didn’t talk about that) needing all his physical and emotional needs to be met by the woman, and bailing out if he thinks that isn’t going to happen or if she needs support for a change. That might not apply in your case. Narcissistic personalities are particularly prone to this. I wish I knew an easy answer as to how you accept that he has switched off his feelings and doesn’t care about you any more (mine says he does but his actions say otherwise). Time and focus on your self and one or two goals that will benefit you perhaps. Hope it helps to know that people care.

RhinoskinhaveI · 01/12/2019 12:06

With friends like him you don't need enemies

egontoste · 01/12/2019 12:24

I sincerely hope that your dd doesn't know any of this.

If he is genuinely suffering from depression or other mental health condition, then there is some kind of reason for his behaviour. Otherwise, he is just an arsehole and you are well rid.

Minionmomma · 01/12/2019 12:28

You and your dd are well rid. I am going through a break up rn and it’s all really. I know how all-consuming the emotions are. Time is your best friend. No contact. Just stop. As pp said, he has a sense of entitlement and he is self absorbed. He sounds awful.

Original poster

Fairycake2 · 01/12/2019 12:29

Luckily my DD has not picked up on any of this and I would certainly never tell her. My rational brain tells me I'm better off without him but the irrational part still misses him. It's particularly hard at this time of year when everyone else seems so loved up!

OP posts:

SuperbMonkey · 01/12/2019 12:33

@Fairycake2 it is hard at this time of year. All you can do is tough it out and cry when you need to. Any adult man who blames a child for their decision to leave is telling you who they really are. You will make it through - you are having a bad time and it will pass.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2019 12:37

It's likely not an over night thing op, it may seem that way ti you, but he will have been considering leaving for a long time, and then deciding to do it and pluck up the courage,

For him it will have been a long time coming, for you only it's been sudden.

TheBlueStocking · 01/12/2019 13:39

You've had a lucky escape, OP.

Original poster

Fairycake2 · 01/12/2019 17:06

@Bluntness100 you're probably right although he was his usual self and telling me how much he loved me up until 2 weeks before he left. Who knows what is going through his head. Probably not worth worrying about!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2019 17:14

It's very normal for them to still be saying things like I love you etc right up until they announce it I'm afraid, nearly every thread on here is testament to that. Often it's becaus they are not ready to announce it and too chicken shit to take th discussion, so they just say it.

Seldom does someone decide on the spur of the moment to go. Nearly always they have been unhappy and building up to it for a long time before hand, and yes very often it's news to the person left behind.

Or maybe not news exactly, often on examination th spurned partner just didn't hear what they were being told, didn't think it was serious, because they themselves were happy, but the signs were there and the person who left had tried to raise it but wasn't heard.

PositiveVibez · 01/12/2019 17:15

Thank god he's left.

I couldn't bear to be with someone who couldn't stand my child and in fact, used my child as the sole reason for ending the relationship.

What an absolute shithead

RhinoskinhaveI · 01/12/2019 17:36

telling me how much he loved me up until 2 weeks before he left
his strategy is about keeping his options open and making sure that you dont have enough information about what's going on to make plans and look after your best interests.

An upstanding person would level with you and be open about his feelings, he isnt one of those kinds, he prefers to ambush you, leave you reeling and blindsided so that he has all the power in the situation.
He's a POS, you are well rid (as painful as it is)

jimmyjammy001 · 01/12/2019 17:46

Fair play to him at least he tried to be a step parent and then was open and honest with you about it, I would imagine he has been trying to deal with it for sometime and has realised that it is better to end it now than keep on at it, it's not really fair on him to be unhappy in a relationship to keep you and your dd happy. I really do not understand why everyone else thinks that he is selfish and horrible? He has given a reason, quite an appluadable and honest one and that's it, I guess people do not agree with it and must think it must be something else, but it quite clearly isn't.

Groovinpeanut · 01/12/2019 17:55

So he's been part of your Dad's life since she was 2? Then suddenly dislikes her at 9? Having been around during her formative years and helped raise her? Sounds like BS and a vile excuse. You're both better off without him. Does your DD see her biological father?
If your husband is suffering from depression it may be best to put some distance between you, and let him work through his issues. Your DD doesn't deserve being used as his get out clause. I would focus on her and her well being, once he's getting the help and support he needs there maybe more clarity. How he feels towards your DD is concerning though. If you can see any way back from that?

Original poster

Fairycake2 · 01/12/2019 18:03

He has his own DD who is the same age so I do wonder if some of the issue is he feels guilty he doesn't live with his own child but does with mine instead. Either way, he's unlikely to meet anyone else who doesn't have children but will accept his. I just wish he hadn't married me if he didn't want to be a proper family. I hate the fact I am going to have 2 failed marriages behind me
My DD does see her father and we had EOW on our own. From the outside it was a perfect set up. I thought we were happy but clearly he wasn't! I do hope he sorts himself out and gets help for the depression but I can't help feeling angry that he's just gone without even giving us a chance to work things out

OP posts:

SevenStones · 01/12/2019 18:04

What a nasty man bringing your daughter into this! He had three years before you were married to decide whether or not he wanted to be a step dad, and when breaking up with you could have said something else.

Please listen to your rational brain. Missing him is normal, you've spend seven years nurturing a relationship with this man. But he isn't who you thought he was, so try and hold that thought in order to move on.

What are you thinking of doing now at Christmas? Do you have family you could spend it with? Or maybe think about going away with your daughter for a few days to have a special time together. Take your pressies and some special bits and pieces.

zeeboo · 01/12/2019 18:09

He's been with you since she was TWO! What an arse!! If he'd only known you for a few years and had no experience of kids etc then I'd say he was just an idiot but in your situation I'm struggling not to use the really offensive language to describe him. My DD began parenting my son when he was 2. By the time he was 11 the relationship was fraught and I was constantly in the middle. But at no time did my husband decide to leave!! So sorry op. He really is a tosser.

Thehouseintheforest · 01/12/2019 18:42

I completely agree with you JimmyJammy001 MN is always so keen to call the men in a relationship 'useless' 'losers' etc etc but I am sorry I don't get this ..

If someone is unhappy in a relationship then they have the right to leave. Step parenting isn't for everyone. It's bloody hard work.. and at least most step mothers get 10 days away from it every month... much much harder for step fathers who only get two days EOW ..

He tried.
He doesn't like it.
It doesn't make him happy
He has done the right thing.
He should be praised not vilified as I expect he really does love the OP but not the package she comes with. Making this a very difficult and brave thing to do.

It's not lo

Bellaxx8 · 01/12/2019 19:01

No, he shouldn’t of waited 7 years to finally realise he can’t be a step parent. To be in a child’s life from a toddler and then decide. He’s a bellend.

Original poster

Fairycake2 · 01/12/2019 19:12

I do understand step parenting isn't for everyone and it can be hard work but DD is actually pretty easy and we get 5 nights 'off' a fortnight. I also agree that he shouldn't stay if he's unhappy but I still don't think he should have just gone without barely a word. He should have said something before it got to that point to see if there was things we could work on together. Surely DD and I deserved that after all these years

OP posts:

bigchris · 01/12/2019 19:48

I'd ask him if he's prepared to go to marital counselling

If he says no then begin the process of getting over him

Thehouseintheforest · 01/12/2019 21:06

I completely agree with you JimmyJammy001 MN is always so keen to call the men in a relationship 'useless' 'losers' etc etc but I am sorry I don't get this ..

It's not lo

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