Hi
I’m not sure if this is the right place to even write this, but I feel stuck and hurt.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for almost 10 years. We aren’t married, but we have two children together (I will keep their ages private). He also has an older child from a previous relationship, and we get on really well and have a good level of respect when here.
My partner smokes, both tobacco & weed and he has done since he was young so long before we were together. I don’t know the true cost but it will be hundreds a month. I will clear it up now that he is never physically violent to myself or the children, nor does he speak aggressively to them. He doesn’t smoke around them, and they don’t see or know of weed in the house.
When he doesn’t have baccy, he’s just a bit agitated. He is a tiny bit snappy but no more so than I might be around a certain time of the month. When he doesn’t have weed, he’s impossible to be around. He won’t speak, and when he does it’s swear word filled sarcasm.
He doesn’t care about the smell of it, and refuses to use air freshener to cover up the smell.
He leaves dirty clothes on the floor and bits of tobacco rizla etc on the floor by his drawers and says that’s ‘not my problem’.
Money is an issue. We aren’t skint, but we aren’t well off. He doesn’t care about the bills or finances so I am ‘in charge’ of them and he just gives me money each month towards them. I’ve tried to get him involved before so he can calm down the weed as it was leaving us with no money, but he borrowed money or just got weed on ‘tick’.
Every week we get about £50 benefit for the children, and he asks for money out of it for weed and baccy. Weekly, without fail. As I’m ‘in charge’ of the bills / money, I use their money predominantly on them. So the weekly money goes on their lunches, dinners, activities and bits of fresh food for them throughout the week. He says I’m being selfish.
This is then the point he will go to his mum and say that WE are short of money for food for the kids and can WE borrow £30/£40. She will happily lend the money because WE need the money and she doesn’t want US to go without.
He will then get tobacco, some weed cash, and then some ‘tick’.
Repeat this weekly.
Then get to payday, and he owes out whatever he owes to whoever he gets it from, WE owe his mum usually about £100, and then our usual bills on top (which leave us with about £200 on a good month).
He tells me he’s not addicted to weed and could happily go without it, but doesn’t want to. His best friend is a mirror image of him, personality and everything and they both think the same so that’s his go-to for support; someone who also doesn’t think logically.
Due to his weed intake his paranoia is through the roof, he accuses me of historical cheating (which I have never done), asks me why I own sexy underwear if I never wear it anymore, why we don’t have sex often, why I have an excuse for not having sex all the time, why am I distant, why do I work full time, why do I have a credit card, do I look at other men instead of him, and I’ve given him the simple response of “I’m exhausted.” It’s exhausting being mum, keeping house, I do everything in the house too (cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing etc) I work quite a stressful job but I do like it, but he’s exhausting me and I don’t feel attractive to someone who is constantly undermining me.
After work I get home, put the kids to bed, have a shower, and go to bed myself. Most nights I don’t eat dinner as I don’t get time.
Weekends are spent doing the washing I haven’t had time to do in the week, shopping, and trying to do homework and prepare for the week ahead.
I get my nails done once every three weeks by a friend for a very very minimal cost and he says it’s a waste of money. I haven’t had my hair done in over two years because it’s a ‘waste of money’. I don’t get my eyebrows done anymore because he says I don’t need them doing, so that’s a waste of money too.
I treated myself when I got a promotion at work to a new phone (bought it outright with the bonus) and I had to return it because I ‘didn’t need it and we could have used that money on something better for the family’.
If I get myself new clothes I’m now getting them from charity shops and getting receipts to save the headache.
My priority is my kids, and he is forever moaning that I don’t see him as a priority. Feels like he just cares about himself, not me, and wants the world to revolve around him.
He is getting weed from at least 3 different people (and that’s that I know of) and I saw him give £100 to one person today (payday) which is 10% of his wages.
I have tried to work our via a benefit calculator life without him and I can’t do it, I’d lose the house, I couldn’t afford to work and I couldn’t afford childcare. I’ve worked my absolute ass off to get where I am in my job now and I don’t want to give it up for a lowlife (I see that’s what he is) like him, but I don’t know what to do.
He isn’t willing to change but I don’t know if it’s abuse or what I can actually do. It’s not directly impacting the children, as I make sure their needs are met over my own. I’m going without food, a life basically so that they get a proper diet, activities, clothes, etc.
I’m terrified for my children of moving on that I couldn’t provide for them how I am now if I leave, but I don’t know what to do.
He tells me I’m neglecting him by not giving him sex and coming up with too many excuses, but he won’t actually take on board any of the issues or take LIFE seriously.