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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coercive control

35 replies

Paulettepink · 29/11/2019 23:42

Does anybody know what somebody has to do before the police will talk to you about this? I keep hearing that it is very hard to get a charge. The domestic abuse unit won't even talk to me about it. Just keep telling me via other people that it doesn't meet the threshold. What is the threshold? Anyone know where I can find this information? Thank you

OP posts:
12345kbm · 29/11/2019 23:53

Do you want to explain something of what is going on?

12345kbm · 29/11/2019 23:55

You might find this helpful OP.

RainMinusBow · 29/11/2019 23:58

My ex-husband did, and still does, exhibit horrendous coercive control towards me. Sadly my experience has been unless abuse is physical it can't be proved so no action can be taken. I hope I've just been one of the unlucky ones though.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 00:01

Screaming, shouting, name calling, financial manipulation/coercion/threats. Coerced unprotected sex so that I eventually fell pregnant, has thrown his phone at me a number of times, pushed me, grabbed, smashed my phone up, threatened to smash up my car, isolated me from my friends by making me give up a hobby I was passionate about, constant threats to leave, threatened to put a bullet in me if he catches me cheating, stolen from me and more

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Bluerussian · 30/11/2019 00:04

Try to gather evidence, Paulette. Record what he says, photos if possible. You can't go on like that.

Speak to a women's refuge too, they'll believe and advise you.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 00:05

I have kept a diary on and off throughout our relationship, I have couple of audio recordings, messages talking to friends (or they have them as I had to delete some conversations) a friend who has witnessed him screaming at me down the phone, friends who can confirm I gave up my hobby that I was previously doing 3 times a week, bank statements and there might also be something in my midwife notes

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Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 00:06

Oh I have a couple of photos of Mark's he left on me too.

I should add that the relationship is over and I have an emergency injunction in place

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Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 00:10

12345kbm thank you, that was an interesting read as I always say that it wasn't a relationship, it was a hostage situation

OP posts:
Weenurse · 30/11/2019 00:18

Women’s aid

12345kbm · 30/11/2019 00:20

I'm sorry to hear that happened. Do you currently have professional support?
Who has advised you regarding evidence? (No need to name names or organisations just say, for example, IDVA, police, DV organisation...)

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 00:22

12345kbm I haven't had any guidance

OP posts:
12345kbm · 30/11/2019 00:27

I'm confused. You said: The domestic abuse unit won't even talk to me about it. Just keep telling me via other people that it doesn't meet the threshold.

You said that a 'domestic unit' and 'other people' have told you that you don't 'meet the threshold'. Who are these 'other people' that have advised you and was the 'domestic unit' part of the police, a local DV organisation, a refuge..what?

12345kbm · 30/11/2019 00:35

In the meantime, here is 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 so you can look at the law.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 00:50

12345kbm the other people are other officers that have been out to see me. And yes the domestic abuse unit as in the police. I'm sorry none of that was clear

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TheBouquets · 30/11/2019 01:20

I am sorry to read that you are going through this. All I can advise is to get yourself well away from him and stay away.
They don't like to lose a victim so he could go looking for you. They can re-appear many years later to cause more havoc.
Evil people

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 01:24

He is destroying me. Bit by bit. No thought for how that will effect his beautiful son 😭

OP posts:
12345kbm · 30/11/2019 01:31

I can't write too much as am on phone not laptop. You need support from a domestic violence organisation like Women's Aid. They can advise you on how to build evidence but I'm not going to raise your expectations as I have no details of evidence or what went on.

Please contact them for support and guidance. You could also try Rights of Women who give free legal advice on exactly these issues.

In the meantime, please stay safe.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 01:37

Thank you. I think I have to just admit that he has succeeded in destroying me. It actually would have been more sensible
To stay with him, then he wouldn't be doing what he is doing to me now 😥

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Sweetpeach3 · 30/11/2019 01:41

Contact the police or women's aid

My ex got charged and I only rang to get assistance to retrieve my belongings from his house. Within half an hour of the police coming to see me to ask why I needed help - he was in the cells and now has a restraining order and not allowed into my street or anything. Believe me you can do it

He physically, emotionally, financially, mentally abused me. Cut me off from friends also. Smashed my phone. Wouldn't let me out, put me down all the time, had 3 kids etc. Sounds just like me!

They asked if I had proof of the physical abuse- I had a few pictures of injuries and broken items like my doors and old phones he tried to hide ( they got a warrant to search his house whilst he was in the cells for it and they got it) I knew were they was hid an proof of bank statements were my money's been going into his bank and I'm left with nothing they took photos of pictures he sent me of my itemised phone bills and when he's been tracking me asking why I'm in a field (I was at school. Google maps said I was in the school field haha) ,
BUT if you've got any sort of proof this is happening ie recordings and messages etc it all mounts up and keep gathering them. Go see the police an get him locked up for it. They really are s great support and they put you in touch with the right people to get continuous support

You can do this ! Xxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 08:59

Sweetpeach3 I'm so sorrybtor what you have been through. I have I have gone to the police countess times. After 5 months of me calling they finally logged the coercive control but officers told me shortly after that it didn't meet the threshold, again without even having the fill story ad the last who took the report said she had enough to get the general idea. The domestic abuse unit won't even discuss it with me. He has been charged with 2 offences but is likely to get no more than a slap on the wrist.

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Sweetpeach3 · 30/11/2019 09:52

I really don't see why this is. Have you contacted women's aid ? If you feel this way you mustn't be telling them how damaging and serious this is and you need help. you have to stress that!
Are their any children involved ?
I know this may sound awful but next argument you have that becomes heated or anything similar you need to ring them and say you are scared for your life. I just don't see how their not taking it serious. I didn't even tell the police half of what my ex did to me and he was arrested basically for not giving me some medication that was vital an trying to make me go to his house to get it so I'd have to stay! Only after that an him being arrested did I make a statement about everything else but he has been arrested once before for hitting me but nothing came of that as I didn't do a statement etc but this time the police wanted to Persue in punishing him with it all. the court date isn't until next year as they want evidence as it's quite complexes but you need to keep at it. You will get the help if he's as bad as you say

You seriously need to log everything. If it's finances make sure you transfer money to him via the bank so it's on your statements how much he's taking or if he's making you buy things on your card for him. Check out using his name but your card so you've proof he did it , the pictures will be helpful but would be best if you rang the police, I guess mines been easier as they've seen messages off him saying I deserved the slap I got, sending me pictures of my phone bill as he has the log in askin who's is this number etc an then the ones were he's tracking me and sending pictures .....

May sound so evil but you have to play this guy to your advantage to get justice. It's a long process but worth it
Hope your okay xx

Sweetpeach3 · 30/11/2019 09:55

Just seen you have a son

Ring social services. State this man takes all your money so you physically can't leave with a child an no home or no money. You've contacted the police and domestic abuse agencies and they won't help you either so your at your whits end

Stress to them your trying to leave an abusive and cohesive controlling relationship but you can't as he's got you trapped and you don't want your son around it as it's getting worse by the day , They will help you. Their not bad like people jump to think. Their really helpful and provide great support

Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 10:07

Sweetpeach3 thank you. I assume because he isn't tracking me or checking my phone bill so they don't think its serious enough. I had been under the impression that verbal, emotional and psychological abuse were all considered to be part of coercive control. The list of insults and put downs that he would shout and scream at me runs to just over 4 A5 pages and its not an exhaustive list. But the police dont care.
I reported 3 common assaults and financial abuse in March of this year. After 12 days no one had contacted me about either. I was eventually contacted after 11 days regarding a theft I also reported because i chased it constantly as was time critical. Of course by this point I was under pressure to drop support for police action (financial consequences for me if I went ahead) so on the 12th day I withdrew support for the theft charge. No one ever contacted me about the other things I reported

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Original poster
Paulettepink · 30/11/2019 10:15

Social services are now involved. My delightful mum and sister reported me to them the day I went to court to get the emergency injunction and told them things that weren't even true. They knew I was going to court because they came with me. Told me what they had done while I was waiting to be called in. I have told social services that I have been desperately trying to get the police to help me.

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