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Original poster

Keeping hold of things from a previous relationship?

48 replies

NotAnAmazonAlexa · 29/11/2019 22:04

This is very outing if my partner reads it but I think I need a bit of perspective...
What is it normal to keep hold of from previous relationships, and what should be cleared out ?

When I first moved in with my partner a few years ago now I found 'love letters' from his previous marriage In the bedside drawer ( yes I admit, I was snooping!) And I mentioned i found it disrespectful to our relationship. He threw them and I thought that would be the end of it. Then when we moved house some time later and we were putting away boxes in our new house i came across the same letters, plus birthday cards, the odd photo and random things such as phone bills in his ex wifes name. So again I mentioned it and he agreed to go through and get rid of stuff like that. (He has a daughter from this marriage and I'm not talking about things relating to his daughter, just exclusively his ex wifes things really)

We've now been through 3 house moves together and when I was looking for something in the attic I've come across more random handwritten letters from his marriage, and also from a girlfriend before that, that he still seems to be keeping hold of. This coupled with he brought some boxes from his mum's the other day, all filled with things from previous relationships which I asked him outright why the fuck he was holding onto these things and he just said he was going to sort though and throw things away. I've looked through the boxes after he reckons to have sorted them and he's basically squished up most of the stuff to fit into less boxes and thrown the odd thing away. He's even kept condoms, despite us not using them for around 4 years.

I guess I'm in the wrong for snooping, but is this normal to keep so much stuff from relationships, some 10 years ago ?

There is more of a back story here, some of the letters are from a ex girlfriend from a long time a go, with whom he had what o felt to be an emotional affair with during our relationship a few years ago, but I don't think he's contacted her since.

It just feels like he's hanging on to the past.. Sad

OP posts:
mindutopia · 29/11/2019 22:16

I still have letters and cards and photo albums from all my exes, going back to my first boyfriend at 15. I’ve been with my dh for 11 years and am approaching 40! Shock It’s part of my history and I’d see it as pretty insecure and controlling if he demanded I throw them away. Now the emotional affair is something else and completely unacceptable. I think they’re two separate issues though.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 29/11/2019 22:20

I havent kept anything.
Its baggage to me.

Different strokes eh.

CalleighDoodle · 29/11/2019 22:24

The lying is the problem here. Im currently wearing an engagement ring from my first fiance, given to me twenty year ago. I have absolutely no feelings towards him and havent for years.

SonEtLumiere · 29/11/2019 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nevernotstruggling · 29/11/2019 22:29

You are controlling

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/11/2019 22:29

I have kept all my love letters going back 30 odd years. It's not about "hanging onto the past", I rarely think of my Exs, but they are a part of my past and of me. I would not appreciate any partner telling me to get rid.

category12 · 29/11/2019 22:34

He obviously wants to keep these mementos.

Why does your dislike of them trump his preference?

Everyone has a past.

Northernsoullover · 29/11/2019 22:37

I don't have any letters but I wish I did. I don't have any feelings towards exes but I would have liked the memories of my youth. I think my mother ditched all my old letters in a house move.
You are being controlling.

BellyButto · 29/11/2019 22:38

It sounds more like he likes to hoard than anything disrespectful.
Some people are messy and like to be surrounded by sentimental belongings - its just how they are.
You might be the opposite, in which cass, you should learn that other people are different and stop running a dictatorship of a home.

The only exception is if space is tight and this stuff is taking up usable room - then he needs to sort through or pay for it to he stored.

HollowTalk · 29/11/2019 22:38

You sound awful! You're rooting through his things and not liking what you see. I would dump you asap if I were him.

MirenaManiac · 29/11/2019 22:38

Tbh OP your behaviour is a bit concerning. He had a life before you and yes, he's entitled to have letters and documents from then. It was part of his life, his story, and it won't go away. It's perfectly normal to have personal possessions like this.

What do you think the response would be if a woman came on here saying "My partner keeps going through all my private stuff, and having a go at me whenever he finds anything about exes. He wants everything that's a reminder of my earlier relationships destroyed.". I'd be telling her to get away from someone who was that possessive. Please can you have a think about this? It sounds like you may feel insecure in the relationship and perhaps are taking out on the letters.

Aside : thank goodness there are many literary greats who did not have partners with this view, or collections of letters and diaries would all be bare of anything but their last partner. It's almost like one has to pretend one was a virgin beforehand.

Original poster
NotAnAmazonAlexa · 29/11/2019 22:45

Hmm I guess I'm in the wrong here then 🤷‍♀️
I don't keep anything like that so I guess that's why I thought it was strange.
I just can't understand the logic of keeping letter from previous relationships, phone bills, wage slips etc. I don't even keep my own phone bills past the end of that contract !

OP posts:
Cecilandsnail · 29/11/2019 22:51

Listen to the beatles 'in my life'. I think it sums it up well. Don't feel jealously of his past. He can have fond memories and memoirs of it without it detracting from how he feels about you. Let this go. It's not your place to make demands in this area.

Heartburn888 · 30/11/2019 04:48

He sounds like a hoarder.

He might be keeping them to reminisce about his past but I do agree with you that it is disrespectful.

Maybe pen a could of ‘love letters’ from a fantasy boyfriend and leave them in plain sight. See how he feels!

sammylady37 · 30/11/2019 05:06

He has a past. He existed in this world before he met you. His experiences shaped him and made him into the man you met. You can’t erase that past. He’s entitled to hold onto keepsakes, sentimental items etc.

If any man went through my personal belongings and threw a fit demanding I get rid of them, I’d get rid of something alright but it’d be the man, not the possessions!

RantyAnty · 30/11/2019 05:58

Are you a lot younger than he is?

As pp have said, he has a past and memories before you. At one time they loved each other and had a DC together.
It is very controlling to be so insecure to insist he get rid of them all. Have you ever thought his DC might want some of it one day?

I still have a couple pics of my first bf 45 years ago, as well as other mementos of things over the years that do include other men.

It's his history and you won't be able to erase that regardless. I don't think he's sitting up in a dusty attic reading the things and sobbing is he.

Robin2323 · 30/11/2019 06:10

Sounds like hoarding

I've found empty bill envelopes in kitchen draws that dh is just too busy/ lazy to walk 5 steps to the bin.

Drives me crazy.

I have throw all my ex's stuff away - except the wedding album which will go to my dd when she older.

Its just mental baggage that keeps you stuck in the past.

I now have a lovely new life.

Dollywilde · 30/11/2019 06:16

I’d have probably been like this in my early 20s but I had a real problem with jealousy.

DH and I both have letters and memories from before we got together - of course we do! It makes us who we are today. It does sound controlling to insist he gets rid, he shouldn’t have lied but I can sort of see why he did to appease you and for an easy life.

On the other side, DH gets rid of all bills etc straight away which made applying for a mortgage a nightmare as he didn’t have enough proof of ID and he also didn’t have his payslips so had to ask work to produce copies... I file everything and it lives in a nice little folder, I don’t see a problem hanging onto paperwork like that.

Goldenchildsmum · 30/11/2019 06:29

He lies to you to keep the peace and avoid you 'telling him off' and then hides his precious memories somewhere else, praying you don't find them again, I expect

It's all rather sad isn't it?

Stegosaurus1990 · 30/11/2019 06:39

I think it’s weird.

AxeOfKindness · 30/11/2019 06:53

I'm very, very happily married and I have boxes of this stuff, not because I yearn to go back but because it's part of my history and I'm sentimental! It's nice to look through it sometimes and remember. DH is mercifully secure enough not to mind.

I was a bit insecure about a few things from one particular ex girlfriend of his at the beginning of our relationship for various reasons but have since been known to rescue old things of his from before I met him (including photos of old girlfriends) that I think he should hang onto, so it's really just a character trait in my case.

A family member once had a mutual chuck-out of old love letters etc. with a now ex and regrets it.

So long as you have no other reason for suspicion (and I appreciate an emotional affair might qualify) I'd just let it go and let him have his frankly irreplaceable trinkets.

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/11/2019 07:03

I got rid of everything even gave away good jewellery. I did not want any reminders of the arsehole. My fiance has nothing either. He got rid of everything before he even met me. I have a piece of jewellery that my mother gave me but is tied in with my ex but as it had been my mothers I can't part with it. My ex had baked pictures amongst other things of his exes and it was disrespectful to me.

Original poster
NotAnAmazonAlexa · 30/11/2019 21:21

Maybe I am being a bit controlling on this issue then.

I am younger than him but quite a bit, but I'm not young any more Envy. There have been a few things in our relationship that he's done that have made me insecure about his past, but he's never cheated as far as I know.

I don't think I'd be so upset over all the stuff if he was a) transparent over it, rather than so secretive and b) just filed it all away, boxed it up, rather than it being in either bedside drawers, bottom of a box of Christmas stuff or other random places.
I think it seems weirder because I just don't keep anything and anything I do keep is filed away, organised and I know where everything is

OP posts:
Pen6 · 01/12/2019 07:43

Hi
There's a lot of very secure people who have replied to you. Or perhaps the ones that feel the same as you won't reply for fear of being told they are controlling and insecure.
There's nothing wrong with keeping things from the past if it doesn't bother anyone. However we are all very different, have different experiences and as a result react differently to situations.
I don't see anything wrong with you looking in the boxes. I wouldn't mind if my partner looked through anything I have. I have nothing to hide. I have nothing that would hurt him. I would not lie to him.
This is the key point. Your husband should not have lied to you. He told you he'd thrown them away. Whether that is right or wrong is for each couple to decide. It hurt you that he kept them and you asked him to chuck them out. There's plenty of people not bothered by their partners past but if you are then it's ok. It's not abnormal. It's a product of what's happened to you in your life. I would be bothered finding love letters and would have done the same as you. In a relationship you try to do what you can to make each other feel good. This did not make you feel good so it was right to ask for them to be thrown away. Obviously if this was a big problem for him you'd have to find a compromise. It's not like it's his children. It's an ex partner so if it's upsetting for you he should respect that.
The problem with him lieing is that it's made you feel more insecure. It sort of feels like they are more important because he's lied about keeping them. They shouldnt be too important they are past events. You're more important and if they make you feel bad then he should get rid unless he has some massive reason for keeping them in a box up in the attic that he probably never looks at. Its all about whats right for the couple. If you didnt mind like lots of the people on this thread then its all good. But you do mind and therefore he should take that seriously.
You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Don't feel bad about feeling jealous it's a natural feeling and is only unhealthy when it becomes extreme. Otherwise it shows you care. It helps create passion. There are very few people who would actually like to see
their partners previous love letters. I would dislike it very much. I hope you and your partner can come to a conclusion about this that makes you both happy. Good luck.

AgentJohnson · 01/12/2019 07:56

He was a coward to go along with your demands when he clearly doesn’t share your —bat shit— concerns. Rather than stand up to you and challenge your assertions he has chosen to lie.

I see great things in your shared future.