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Relationships

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Original poster

Keeping hold of things from a previous relationship?

48 replies

NotAnAmazonAlexa · 29/11/2019 22:04

This is very outing if my partner reads it but I think I need a bit of perspective...
What is it normal to keep hold of from previous relationships, and what should be cleared out ?

When I first moved in with my partner a few years ago now I found 'love letters' from his previous marriage In the bedside drawer ( yes I admit, I was snooping!) And I mentioned i found it disrespectful to our relationship. He threw them and I thought that would be the end of it. Then when we moved house some time later and we were putting away boxes in our new house i came across the same letters, plus birthday cards, the odd photo and random things such as phone bills in his ex wifes name. So again I mentioned it and he agreed to go through and get rid of stuff like that. (He has a daughter from this marriage and I'm not talking about things relating to his daughter, just exclusively his ex wifes things really)

We've now been through 3 house moves together and when I was looking for something in the attic I've come across more random handwritten letters from his marriage, and also from a girlfriend before that, that he still seems to be keeping hold of. This coupled with he brought some boxes from his mum's the other day, all filled with things from previous relationships which I asked him outright why the fuck he was holding onto these things and he just said he was going to sort though and throw things away. I've looked through the boxes after he reckons to have sorted them and he's basically squished up most of the stuff to fit into less boxes and thrown the odd thing away. He's even kept condoms, despite us not using them for around 4 years.

I guess I'm in the wrong for snooping, but is this normal to keep so much stuff from relationships, some 10 years ago ?

There is more of a back story here, some of the letters are from a ex girlfriend from a long time a go, with whom he had what o felt to be an emotional affair with during our relationship a few years ago, but I don't think he's contacted her since.

It just feels like he's hanging on to the past..

OP posts:

Pen6 · 01/12/2019 08:27

AgentJohnson how very unhelpful and unpleasant you are. What was the point of writing that little piece of vitriol?

SimonJT · 01/12/2019 08:32

How would you feel if you had to hide and lie about your possessions in your own home?

I’m currently wearing an engagement ring, it had an upper band you can spin around, which I often mindlessly do. I haven’t been engaged for the last three years, but I like the ring and it’s a bit too loose for my right hand.

If my boyfriend told me to take it off (or tried to control anything else I wore) I would say no. But he isn’t controlling and as a normal (well, relatively normal!) person he realises a ring is just a ring, so wouldn’t try and control what I wear.

Aderyn19 · 01/12/2019 08:40

Memories exist in the mind - you don't need old love letters and phone bills. Those relationships are done and if keeping reminders is more important to him than his wife's feelings, then that's a problem.
I think the fact that he had an emotional affair is key - it's natural for a person to not feel easy trust after that and he should be more considerate of the impact his behaviour had on his wife.

I also wouldn't want my kids reading my personal letters after I die - I intend to ditch all that stuff when I get older (hopefully I'll get advance warning), so I think it would be weird to keep lots of that stuff for his DD. I would want to keep wedding albums for her and that sort of thing, but the thought of my child reading old love letters is eurgh!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/12/2019 08:47

I can't believe people are calling you controlling here. Why would you possibly want to keep anything from an ex?

HarryBlackberry1 · 01/12/2019 08:54

I have photo albums of my ex husband and I up in the loft. Even though I have a new partner. I never go up there but didn't throw them out when I had a clearance a couple of years back. We have a daughter and I suppose she may want to look at them some day. Part of her past in a strange way.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/12/2019 08:54

He's a disorganised hoarder, you're an organised discarder. You can't understand him, but we don't know how he feels about your approach except that he disagrees enough to agree to change then carries on as he is.

How about combining? Buy some nice storage boxes, put his sentimental items in and suggest the bills and ancient condoms can be binned. Boxes go in the attic - he's got his hoard, you've got order.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/12/2019 08:57

It's noticeable in this thread that those who don't keep stuff are very insistent that no-one should, as though it were a universal rule

Aderyn19 · 01/12/2019 09:02

Not true, Display.
I think keeping photo albums is fine, especially if you have children with that ex. But old love letters, not so much.

RibenaMonsoon · 01/12/2019 09:02

I once found a few bits from DH ex girlfriend while I was cleaning.
He wasn't secretive about it. I still have a CD that my ex gave me of a song that he wrote for me.
Doesn't matter whether you are still with the person, they are part of your history and were necessary in your life so you can find yourself where you are now.
I'd never demand DH bin those letters. If he wanted to be with her he would have married her not me.

If leave it if it were me, he's with you. That's what matters.

Evilmorty · 01/12/2019 09:06

I think these things are normal to keep. They are part of his life experience, his own history, apart from you. He is a separate person on his own as well, with his own memories and nostalgia.

I mostly keep all my old photos to look at how slim I was and how beautiful my hair used to be. That’s all

elmosducks · 01/12/2019 09:07

They will be lovely for his daughter in years to come. They had a bond, they have a child together.

I wouldn't worry about the past, there are more important things to worry about. X

Original poster

NotAnAmazonAlexa · 01/12/2019 19:00

I think of they were just photo albums, that's sort of sentimental stuff and he put them away I'd be less upset.
It's the condoms, which must be ancient, the phone bills in his ex wifes name from bloody years ago. It's torn up, hand written letters that he's put together in an envelope that I thinks wierd.
If he had said the first time round he wanted to keep this stuff for his daughter (why any one would want to read their parents love letters is also beyond me but anyway..) I would have suggested putting it all in a memory box for her, but he just said he hadn't even realised he still had this stuff and he'd throw it. On a random thing is a draft of a letter to his brothers ex partner inviting her over for dinner, signed ,The new Mr and Mrs Last name, I just think it's either hoarding in the extreme or it's not moving on from the past.

OP posts:

SonEtLumiere · 01/12/2019 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elmosducks · 01/12/2019 22:07

why anyone would want to read their parents love letters is also beyond me
Are you serious? I have read a couple of letters from DF to DM and I love knowing how in low they were, what they aspired to and drama and plans. I can only imagine this to be intensified if life didn't work out as planned, and to know that they did love each other once.

Tbh, you seem to have gone through his stuff in great detail, and this is quite worrying.
If it isn't masses and masses of stuff, which it doesn't sound like it is, then just leave him to it. You don't get to tell him what should be important to him and what shouldn't.

Chattybum · 01/12/2019 22:23

Leave him be. It's like when you listen to music of your youth, these things take you back and remind you of the way you were. It's not good or bad, it's just memory. You don't own your partner, what he chooses to keep is private.

Evilmorty · 01/12/2019 22:47

Don’t you have anything you keep for comfort? Ring of a dead relative? Teddy from childhood? Your child’s first baby gro? It’s the same. He’s keeping items from his past for sentimentality and to remember he existed as a person before you.

MsNobodyHere · 01/12/2019 22:57

I wouldn't overly like it OP. Luckily DP and I are on the same page about this. Neither of us has kept stuff from our previous relationship/marriage. I still have my old wedding photo albums but they are in the loft. Photos of him/us/as a family have been separated into a different album for the DCs, I don't want them in mine. I deleted the digital copies. I threw out my wedding/engagement cards plus a few letters and all the cards he had given me (I had kept them all). I plan on getting rid of my rings as some point when I get them valued.

DP didn't have much but he has deleted photos and doesn't want anything around from his and his ex's relationship.

Once the relationship is done and you've moved on, apart from a few bits that DCs may want to look at, I really don't see why anyone would keep sentimental mementos from these past relationships.

outherealone · 02/12/2019 02:05

Sounds like his emotional affair has made you insecure. You need to work out whether you can move on from that and trust him or not. Good luck

HUZZAH212 · 02/12/2019 03:55

I've got a small box of random things from a couple of long term past relationships, including a few birthday cards that had witty or specific messages. I'm not a particularly sentimental person and I think I surprised myself that I kept them at the time. I definately don't hanker for the relationships anymore, nor do I feel me having the items relate at all to my current relationship. However, I wouldn't want anyone else to say what they think I can or can't keep.

thenyoushallbegintoclimb · 02/12/2019 05:19

No person has the right to demand their partner dismiss or chuck away their past. Please remember we are all a product of our experiences, he is who he is because of his past relationships and experiences not in spite of. Accept him for who he is or let him go

Illeana · 02/12/2019 05:41

I’ve gotten rid of everything, even photos of me with exes. I’d be happy to wipe our relationships from existence. BUT I have a few photos and letters from a certain someone. Because I loved him deeply and I always will even though we’re apart. Yes I’m hanging onto the past, because I still love him and I’ll never let go of that. Is that what you’re worried about OP? Because I can tell you now, even if my house burned down and I lost these mementoes I’d still love this man forever. You can’t change someone’s heart. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you.

FinallyHere · 02/12/2019 09:36

What is it about these keepsakes that you feel so threatened by ?

Why do you feel the need to snoop rather than ask him to show you what has been important in his life before you ?

Why do you care about the things in his life before you came along?

You are the one in his life now, relax and be happy that you have found a lovely partner.

SandAndSea · 02/12/2019 13:23

I would see this as he's just keeping stuff from his life. They're mementoes. That's all. I like the idea of getting him a memory box but apart from that, I would leave him be.

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