Why won't he just leave :(

[Kindpotato]

We have 3 kids, 4,6,9, got married last year, he's drank almost every day this year (his tipple is vodka) is on antidepressents, is self employed, and I'm the mug who works full time and pays the bills and has no money for myself or any way of saving.
He has no money for Christmas. The children have no toys. I have to beg for money if I need something. I don't know how much money he has or hasn't got.
I just want him to leave. Told him.a few weeks ago so he said he would go to the doctors and has now self referred for further help with his alcohol dependancy. Wants me to go with him.

I've had enough though. He can be so kind and caring, but 50% of the time he's just a w4nker. I can't handle it anymore. I want to leave him but IM TRAPPED.

Mortgage, equity in the house, he has nowhere to go, no friends and family is in Wales.

I can't even read through threads to see if someone has had a similar situation. I just have no energy. Feel depressed. I just wanna leave him but I can't. I can't lose the equity in the house.

I'm lost and feeling hopeless and the anxiety in my chest is getting bad.

:(:(:( Help fellow mamma's ;( xx

Bastard.

Why do you have to ask him for money?

Have you seen Women's Aid?

Have you contacted Rights of Women? They give free legal advice. You may be able to get advice on the house equity etc

Have you asked him to leave?

OP you need to not tell him of any plans to get him to leave. I see you've already asked him. You need to access information regarding the house, finances, his earnings etc and you won't be able to do that he hides it all.

You can check out the to separation and divorce by the CABx (this is for England, there are other guides for the rest of the UK) so you know what the steps are and speak to Rights of Women as well. They can advise you on your options as well.

Right, I can tell you haven't seen a solicitor because you are talking mad stuff.

I just wanna leave him but I can't. I can't lose the equity in the house.
You won't lose the equity.

How is he paying for alcohol? If he's in a nice phase use this opportunity to get him to give you access to the money. He obviously has some if he's buying drink.

Well you've just explained why he won't leave. It's not in his interests.

But you work fulltime and pay all the bills.The bills would reduce if you reduced your household by one large adult man. There's equity in your home.

You're in quite a good position really. Go get some legal advice on the quiet.

Link didn't work: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

He's not going to choose to leave.

You need to start getting tough, take charge and see a solicitor.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I just want to do it as nicely as possible but I think I need to come to terms with, that it's not going to be nice don't I :(

I'll have to go down the free advice side as I don't have a penny to my name. He gave me pocket money for a couple months but doesn't anymore, yet he buys alcohol still. It's so upsetting. I feel like a right mug. I told him I'd support him being self employed and 2 years later he's just taking the piss. I wanted to do right by him. And I've fooked myself on the process.

Can't stop crying. We don't even sleep in the same bed and haven't slept with each other in over 6 months.

I don't understand why he can't just let me go :( :( :(

I expect he doesn't let you go because you are essential for him to continue drinking.

You give him a roof over his head. You buy his food. Do you cook it too? Do his laundry? Pay for his heating and hot water? Make a nice house for him? Let him not really work?

If you didn't do those things it would seriously interfere with his drinking. Of course he won't let you go willingly.

How comes he gives you pocket money? You are the one earning? Have a look at your finances. You’re in charge of the finances?

Set up a new bank account in your own name, go to your HR department and ask them to pay your salary into that account instead of one he can get his hands on. Change the direct debits to that account.

Then tell him to leave..

Firstly, practical steps, immediately contact your employers and have your salary paid directly into an account in your sole name. Even if you then still have to pay everything for a period of time, you have control over what the remainder is spent on. Adults shouldn't be giving or asking for money. If he can't earn enough being self employed he will need to get himself another paid job, maybe a couple of nights a week, I know I e done it and many people I know have needed two jobs at some time in their lives.
If you seriously want him to leave can you get someone to come round and be with you while you tell him, I'd then personally ask him to leave immediately but others might disagree

if he is self employed does he actually work. can you ask to see his accounts. he must be registered for tax.

I think if he left straight away it would be detrimental on the children. I need him to buy their Christmas presents and be here for them.

Just to let you know I pay all bills for everything we have, car phones travel, he pays for food and kids clothes. All my money is taken up on bills as I have had to in the past get clothes and Christmas presents on catalogues...

Anyway thanks for the bank advice, I'll get one sorted and have the bills paid out of it great idea.

Spoke to him today (again) and I've tried to say I'll be friends and he can get sorted in the new year. I'll support him with his appointments on helping with his drinking. He just asked if that meant he was single now. So I said yes........

Also thanks for the advice of having someone there. This whole thing has beeny dirty little secret. Noone knows about his drinking or that he is a wanker when he's drunk. Noone knows I go to bed at 8pm with the kids because I'm so upset I can't stay awake. He's ruining my life and I've let it happen :(

Decorating our tree today. That'll make the house cheery.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It really means so much xx

I've just realised I've just acted like a mug again saying I'll support him through this.

When really I should be supporting me and the kids.

After Christmas I just need to be tough don't I :( I do worry about his mental health, I know he's been to some dark places.

Ahhhhh :(:(:(

If he is genuinely going to stop drinking he is going to need loads of support from the wider family and friends so make sure everyone knows he is an alcoholic. It isn't betrayal it is help.

You are not a mug. You are a kind , decent person trying to do your best for your family

Go to al anon , time to support yourself first

Work through all your bills and take out any that are just for him.Stop cooking for him or doing his washing.Single comes with all this.
Sometimes you have to consider your mental health as you have children dependant on you.You can't fix someone else's,her has to do that himself.

Go on freegle,scour charity shops for your kids,if you have a tree then that is enough for now.Your 2 oldest will have enough Christmas things happening at school so they won't loose out.
Keeping it all calm at home will he your hardest job.

I'm so sorry your going through this. I was in your shoes 10 years ago. Went to women's aid they put me in a refuge with my two kids. Left with clothes we stood up in. Had to get the police to accompany me to house to get some stuff. It was a horrible time couldn't tell anyone where we were my kids had to change schools. Eventually he moved out. I was lucky enough to be able to buy him out. Stay strong, disengage keep posting here xx

You 100% percent know why he wouldn’t leave: he’s got it made. You enable his selfish, piss taking, lifestyle and to top it off you even help him look good to the kids. I mean, why on earth would he leave that cosy little set up? Until he has another woman lined up to take your place and he can jump ship he isn’t going anywhere.

It’s hard OP but you’ve got to become way more switched on and strategic. You can do this.

Mate, why would he want to go, what with you doing all the work and the earning and everything. Start taking control of your money, get some help and advice and make some plans that don't include this lazy fucker.

So the last few weeks have been absolutely horrendous.
He wanted to try again, stopped drinking a few days, but booked a flat viewing and never told me.
After that I said well you aren't trying and I don't want us to be together.
After that I cancelled a few DDs for his car because I couldn't afford secret santa at work and he wasn't giving me money (after he said he would have so I said well you made it very difficult to talk about let along actually getting money out of you)

Last night he told me he doesn't think he loves me. Said if we sort the kids bedtime routine and get them in their own rooms (his fault we don't anyway as I have to get 3 small children to bed while he drinks) he will feel better.

I said why would I stay with someone who doesn't love me? Just incase they change their mind? What if you don't change your mind and I'm putting in loads of effort to try and make you happy?

He said.... Because you love me.

What the actual fuck am I even doing.

I'm taking the kids to my parents who live in a 1 bed little house. We are staying there this weekend.

He has an appointment at achieve this morning (alcohol support) he wanted me to go....... I just don't care enough anymore

I'm a fucking upset idiot who wishes I never met him