Why won't he just leave :(

[Kindpotato]

We have 3 kids, 4,6,9, got married last year, he's drank almost every day this year (his tipple is vodka) is on antidepressents, is self employed, and I'm the mug who works full time and pays the bills and has no money for myself or any way of saving.
He has no money for Christmas. The children have no toys. I have to beg for money if I need something. I don't know how much money he has or hasn't got.
I just want him to leave. Told him.a few weeks ago so he said he would go to the doctors and has now self referred for further help with his alcohol dependancy. Wants me to go with him.

I've had enough though. He can be so kind and caring, but 50% of the time he's just a w4nker. I can't handle it anymore. I want to leave him but IM TRAPPED.

Mortgage, equity in the house, he has nowhere to go, no friends and family is in Wales.

I can't even read through threads to see if someone has had a similar situation. I just have no energy. Feel depressed. I just wanna leave him but I can't. I can't lose the equity in the house.

I'm lost and feeling hopeless and the anxiety in my chest is getting bad.

:(:(:( Help fellow mamma's ;( xx

Not to mention he disappeared for a day, made out like he was going to kill himself, came home like I was being over dramatic

Went Xmas shopping, we argued the whole time

I just hate my life. I hate him. He has no money to go

Is his name on the house?

It sounds among other things like Financial Abuse. What happens to your income?
You could contact Women's Aid for advice.
If you are married you have rights.

You sound very much like a friend of mine. In fact with the children's ages altered slightly altered it could be you. I'm going to give you the advice I'd like to give her, and can't because of professional link also.

Please leave him, after getting all documentation and anything useful. I know it must be a squeeze at your parents house but accept help from them any anyone else that offers it. Your children deserve better, you deserve better. This should not be what their 'normal' is. Please speak to women's aid. x

@Kindpotato. Sorry to read that you are having such a hard time. Unfortunately I have no advice as I am in a very similar situation currently and do not know what to do either. Not useful to you I know, but you are not alone and I completely understand how hard this is. .

Have you changed your financial position yet? You really need to have wages and child benefit etc. paid into an account in your name. He shouldn't have access to the joint account, he will only blow it on booze. He is an addict; you should seek support for yourself from an organisation like Al-Anon or similar so you can find the strength to do what you need to protect yourself and your children.

You do not need to and should not organise his alcohol support. You can say supportive things and do transport, but he needs to take responsibility. Only he can help himself here.

Please act. I have been there. It ended my marriage and left me widowed but life is so much better with an addict in it.

Update.

He's gone through detox. But now he's very depressed. He has no feelings or emotions. He doesn't love me. Because he doesn't love anything.

He doesn't know what he wants. And I've been in limbo now and not knowing what to do.

I've wanted to make sure he was okay. And I've suffered as a result.

He won't go counselling. He doesnt believe in it. He's going to his groups tho (post detox/), he's gone back to the doctors, changed meds

But now, now I'm not good enough.

He's leaving.

The fucking arsehole.

After all I went through, I was helping him. I get this.

I hate my life. 💔😭

Let him go. Stay in the house with your kids and rebuild your life without him in it. You’ll be much happier. Once he’s gone you’ll have peace of mind

He’s doing you a favour by leaving. Arse. You’ll be better without him.

Oh and make sure the arse doesn’t take any of your stuff with him when he leaves.

Thank you 💗💗💗

You will be better without him, OP.

Take the positives from this

He will be leaving
You will be free of his nonsense
You will rebuild a much better future for you and the children

You've got this 💪

It's a blessing OP- he's a cunt, and this way you get to stay in the house. Don't let him back xxxxx

I'm excited for my future, but also scared as fuck.

Thanks again for everything. It's nice to read over the messages, especially the empowering ones.

Hahahahah @nomoredickheads "he's a cunt". Omg I love that work

Without proper counselling and engagement with reflection and change, he is a "dry drunk".

Do what you need to do to ensure that he leaves then change the locks and have your solictor get a possession order on the house to prevent him coming back whilst the divorce is settled. You should be able to use his effectively untreated alcoholism and ongoing concerning behaviour towards you and the children to support this.

Act as soon as possible. With these sort of men, it can be so difficult to "get them out", if he's willing to leave under his own steam then please strike whilst the iron is hot (and before any corona lock down). You will have time to grieve the marriage once your home and family (the kids) are safe.

This is a golden opportunity to get him gone. Let him leave, don't let him back.

Let him go you will be better off without him

This is what you wanted, he is going, good. You will be in shock for a while, NOT because he is leaving, but because there would be a lot of change around you.

So embrace your freedom, take over it and build the life you want for you and your kids. For me the first step was to figure out where I was financially and, a weekend after he left, devote 3 days to claim the house to myself by sorting it the way I wanted and worked better for my child and me.

I cannot say it would be easy, it won’t but it can turn to be a very empowering experience and lead you to true happiness, not in terms of finding someone else (you will in time) but in terms of getting to know yourself to a point nothing can defeat you.

Best of luck.

Thank you. Thank you for your words of empowerment xx

I’m 17moths post split from an addict after 2y of putting them back together. They replayed me with an affair! It is scary and overwhelming but my god I feel more alive than I have in years. I’m actually happy, I can walk through the front door after work and not hold my breath, not be consumed by what I will be faced with. I didn’t see it at the time but their actions set me free!!! Hold your head high, believe in yourself you are so much stronger than you know (you have been holding all this together in secret for so long that takes so much emotional and mental strength) and you have such a bright future there for the taking. Sending you lots of love and strength because there will be bumps along the way but in those moments you doubt yourself look at the situation from the outside, like you are advising a friend in your position and you won’t go wrong

@AustinRd
I'm sorry you have been through something similar and it gives me hope for the future you are in a better place.
Xxx

Definately change tge locks as soon as he goes. Get advances and buy them before he goes. U don’t need a solicitor you can do tge court in your own with people like woman’s aid, McKenzie friend to help you and for a fraction of the cost of a solicitor. You may in the end if the house is in both names have to sell the house to divide the equity but that can be sorted in court. Just carry on with your children, with help from family and friends don’t shut people out and learn to live your life again.