Hello, I am a man, 31, my wife is pregnant with our first child (15 weeks). Before we found out we were on the verge of splitting up, everything had broken down and we could barely speak to each other. Finding out gave me the obvious joy at looking forward to being a Father and also hope that this could unite us under a common goal and perhaps start to repair some of the damage we had done to one another. Unfortunately this has not being the case and we are arguing as much as before, I have felt strongly that my wife is controlling, manipulative, cruel and even sometimes emotionally abusive, I know I have many flaws and that my behavior has not always been as considerate as it should be, and as we got together and got married very quickly we found things out about each other as time went on that we didn't necessarily like. I have given up a lot of my my lifesytle and hobbies, interests and friends to please how my wife wants to me to live. I don't impose any conditions on what she does, where she goes or who with, and encourage her to pursue things and people she enjoys, I hoped to receive something similar in return but this hasn't transpired and I have to practically beg to be allowed to do anything that doesn't involve her (example, going to a friends to play games, going hillwalking with my Dad). I have absorbed a lot because I really want things to work out and i want more than anything to be with my child when they arrive and god forbid ending up in the misery of divorce and courts and fighting to see them.
After our recent regular falling out and not speaking to each other for a day my wife sent me the following email while at work saying this is what she wants, it is hard to read and struggling to know what to do, I care deeply about my wife but the love and both sides has long faded:
THE LETTER:
I spoke to the women at the maternity class and they said, although none of their partners were having such a strong reaction as you seem to be , it can be hard for new dads to know what to do to help and one girl said she had written her boyfriend a letter as she found it difficult to say things. All of them talked about how hard being pregnant is and how the emotional roller coaster is so difficult to manage. I am not in a position to change at the moment as I am at the beck and call of my hormones. I can't keep being called the horrible things you say to me and have a healthy pregnancy. I am completely burnt out and feel very alone. I don't know what you are trying to achieve - but if it's to break my spirit then you have done it. I am completely broken and have nothing more to give.
I know there is nothing I can do to change you or your thinking patterns. So here is a list of things that I need so that I can try and start feeling healthy again. It may seem overwhelming but if you could start making patterns that incorporate a bit of wife care into your routine then it's possible I will begin to recover. The first half of my long dreamed of pregnancy has been a nightmare and I need, for all of us, that things get better.
We are now a family and now need to think of each other and the baby before making any decisions.
I know you aren't happy and neither am I but I really can't cope just now with dealing with a separation, moving house or sharing custody of a new born. I can't do it. I am begging you for help. I am so tired I don't know what to do. Here's my suggestions:
Give wife a kiss or a cuddle whenever you come into a room e.g. when we are about to have tea or when you come back in from doing something. Kiss should be more than a peck and try to make eye contact.
Help to look after wife’s legs and circulation with oil and rubs
Ask first but touch tummy for 5 minutes a day to show wife and baby that you care
Try to ask smaller questions – not how was your day? Do you have any appointments you’re worried about? Is there any new clothes or things you need to make you more comfortable? Have you read something that is making you concerned?
If wife has an appointment check to see what she is worried about. Ask if there anything you can do to help?
If there is something that you want to do that wife can’t be involved in then check if wife has something else to do or is ok staying in alone. Wife is carrying the burden of pregnancy and cannot physically or emotionally do what she would normally do.
Prompt wife to speak to her friends and family
If wife is quiet or sad looking then try to do the opposite and try to be strong and check that there’s anything you can do
If husband is sad or depressed text wife and say you are feeling worried about x
Make an hour a week to think how you can help prepare for babies arrival e.g. clearing room in the house/ organising things better/ preparing yourself for wife’s changing emotions/ saving money to buy things for baby/ your changing lifestyle and let wife know that you are thinking about these things.
Tell your friends that wife is pregnant and you will be seeing them when you can but not as often
Avoid saying things like controlling/ manipulative as this is your perception and is not necessarily the case and is extremely painful for wife to hear. This is also not the perception of wife’s other friends and family.
Plan how to live on our joint income and not get into debt with added baby expenses
If you cannot fit exercise into your day in the way you used to then you need to work out how will you feel physically fit in a way that fits into family life?
Be responsible for all things driving test related e.g. getting adequate lessons, buying L Plates etc.
Offer to hoover the car and help maintain it.
Avoid reflecting on past injuries and try to look to the future and the family you would like to have.
Every day of pregnancy brings challenges and this is the reality of now so future thinking is only helpful if it's in relation to what is happening now. We can deal with birth/ anti natal classes nearer the time the health of mum and baby is the most important thing right now.
Try to be flexible. Things are changing all the time. Even plans we made recently may need to change.
I have thought long and hard what to do in return but I know all you want is more space and to be left alone to do what you want to do.
Sadly this is not feasible. We got ourselves into this situation and we need to work a way through it. We can't opt out, even if we'd like to. It will be hard for you to adjust to as you value you freedom so highly, just like I do, but we will have to give up some of our independence for the good of the family and that's just the way it is.
I'm sorry it's ended up like this. I think we are both pretty decent people and to be causing each other all this pain is really sad.
END OF LETTER
We live away from our families and I have no close friends here, I am very close to my family and we communicate and I ask their advice and explain as honestly as I can what is happening on both sides.
On showing them this email my sisters were appalled and agreed about the controlling/ manipulation and that I shouldn't accept this behavior. But i understand they love me a great deal, know i'm in pain and may not have the objectivity.
I am despeate from some honest, impartial opinions as I am at my wits end and so miserable I cant think straight and I also don't deal with confrontation very well so when we disagree and agree I tend to get shell-shocked and either freeze and say nothing or just shout back horrible things. Later after a chance to calm down I try to re-engage calmly and constructively but because my wife works a little different from me she says its over and I need to move on so I don't get her to understand how I feel.
I'm going to try so hard to do all the things my wife asks for in the email, I may fall short but i'll try, i'm so mentally exhausted i'm not sure I have what it takes,
Anyone who has took the time to read all this a million thank you's, i'm sorry for taking up all this space I just don't know how to deal with anything anymore.