Pregnancy marriage brakedown

[alexricardo]

Hello, I am a man, 31, my wife is pregnant with our first child (15 weeks). Before we found out we were on the verge of splitting up, everything had broken down and we could barely speak to each other. Finding out gave me the obvious joy at looking forward to being a Father and also hope that this could unite us under a common goal and perhaps start to repair some of the damage we had done to one another. Unfortunately this has not being the case and we are arguing as much as before, I have felt strongly that my wife is controlling, manipulative, cruel and even sometimes emotionally abusive, I know I have many flaws and that my behavior has not always been as considerate as it should be, and as we got together and got married very quickly we found things out about each other as time went on that we didn't necessarily like. I have given up a lot of my my lifesytle and hobbies, interests and friends to please how my wife wants to me to live. I don't impose any conditions on what she does, where she goes or who with, and encourage her to pursue things and people she enjoys, I hoped to receive something similar in return but this hasn't transpired and I have to practically beg to be allowed to do anything that doesn't involve her (example, going to a friends to play games, going hillwalking with my Dad). I have absorbed a lot because I really want things to work out and i want more than anything to be with my child when they arrive and god forbid ending up in the misery of divorce and courts and fighting to see them.

After our recent regular falling out and not speaking to each other for a day my wife sent me the following email while at work saying this is what she wants, it is hard to read and struggling to know what to do, I care deeply about my wife but the love and both sides has long faded:

THE LETTER:

I spoke to the women at the maternity class and they said, although none of their partners were having such a strong reaction as you seem to be , it can be hard for new dads to know what to do to help and one girl said she had written her boyfriend a letter as she found it difficult to say things. All of them talked about how hard being pregnant is and how the emotional roller coaster is so difficult to manage. I am not in a position to change at the moment as I am at the beck and call of my hormones. I can't keep being called the horrible things you say to me and have a healthy pregnancy. I am completely burnt out and feel very alone. I don't know what you are trying to achieve - but if it's to break my spirit then you have done it. I am completely broken and have nothing more to give.

I know there is nothing I can do to change you or your thinking patterns. So here is a list of things that I need so that I can try and start feeling healthy again. It may seem overwhelming but if you could start making patterns that incorporate a bit of wife care into your routine then it's possible I will begin to recover. The first half of my long dreamed of pregnancy has been a nightmare and I need, for all of us, that things get better.

We are now a family and now need to think of each other and the baby before making any decisions.

I know you aren't happy and neither am I but I really can't cope just now with dealing with a separation, moving house or sharing custody of a new born. I can't do it. I am begging you for help. I am so tired I don't know what to do. Here's my suggestions:

Give wife a kiss or a cuddle whenever you come into a room e.g. when we are about to have tea or when you come back in from doing something. Kiss should be more than a peck and try to make eye contact.

Help to look after wife’s legs and circulation with oil and rubs

Ask first but touch tummy for 5 minutes a day to show wife and baby that you care

Try to ask smaller questions – not how was your day? Do you have any appointments you’re worried about? Is there any new clothes or things you need to make you more comfortable? Have you read something that is making you concerned?

If wife has an appointment check to see what she is worried about. Ask if there anything you can do to help?

If there is something that you want to do that wife can’t be involved in then check if wife has something else to do or is ok staying in alone. Wife is carrying the burden of pregnancy and cannot physically or emotionally do what she would normally do.

Prompt wife to speak to her friends and family

If wife is quiet or sad looking then try to do the opposite and try to be strong and check that there’s anything you can do

If husband is sad or depressed text wife and say you are feeling worried about x

Make an hour a week to think how you can help prepare for babies arrival e.g. clearing room in the house/ organising things better/ preparing yourself for wife’s changing emotions/ saving money to buy things for baby/ your changing lifestyle and let wife know that you are thinking about these things.

Tell your friends that wife is pregnant and you will be seeing them when you can but not as often

Avoid saying things like controlling/ manipulative as this is your perception and is not necessarily the case and is extremely painful for wife to hear. This is also not the perception of wife’s other friends and family.

Plan how to live on our joint income and not get into debt with added baby expenses

If you cannot fit exercise into your day in the way you used to then you need to work out how will you feel physically fit in a way that fits into family life?

Be responsible for all things driving test related e.g. getting adequate lessons, buying L Plates etc.

Offer to hoover the car and help maintain it.

Avoid reflecting on past injuries and try to look to the future and the family you would like to have.

Every day of pregnancy brings challenges and this is the reality of now so future thinking is only helpful if it's in relation to what is happening now. We can deal with birth/ anti natal classes nearer the time the health of mum and baby is the most important thing right now.

Try to be flexible. Things are changing all the time. Even plans we made recently may need to change.

I have thought long and hard what to do in return but I know all you want is more space and to be left alone to do what you want to do.

Sadly this is not feasible. We got ourselves into this situation and we need to work a way through it. We can't opt out, even if we'd like to. It will be hard for you to adjust to as you value you freedom so highly, just like I do, but we will have to give up some of our independence for the good of the family and that's just the way it is.

I'm sorry it's ended up like this. I think we are both pretty decent people and to be causing each other all this pain is really sad.

END OF LETTER

We live away from our families and I have no close friends here, I am very close to my family and we communicate and I ask their advice and explain as honestly as I can what is happening on both sides.

On showing them this email my sisters were appalled and agreed about the controlling/ manipulation and that I shouldn't accept this behavior. But i understand they love me a great deal, know i'm in pain and may not have the objectivity.

I am despeate from some honest, impartial opinions as I am at my wits end and so miserable I cant think straight and I also don't deal with confrontation very well so when we disagree and agree I tend to get shell-shocked and either freeze and say nothing or just shout back horrible things. Later after a chance to calm down I try to re-engage calmly and constructively but because my wife works a little different from me she says its over and I need to move on so I don't get her to understand how I feel.

I'm going to try so hard to do all the things my wife asks for in the email, I may fall short but i'll try, i'm so mentally exhausted i'm not sure I have what it takes,

Anyone who has took the time to read all this a million thank you's, i'm sorry for taking up all this space I just don't know how to deal with anything anymore.

Thank you very much to everyone who took the time to read and respond I really appreciate it.

Most of the list in the letter reads as a generic cut and paste from info from the maternity group. She hasn't written it, she's c&p'd most of it. Probably helped by friends shes confided her unhappiness in. "Just talk to him!", they've said. "I've tried that, it doesn't work", she says. "Try writing him a letter?", they suggest. Pretty common female suggestion, including as seen on here.

Do you tell her that you'll do things for her, but she has to ask you? It also sounds like she wants you to take charge and show initiative with what needs doing. She wants to be looked after whilst she is feeling unwell.

"I have thought long and hard what to do in return but I know all you want is more space and to be left alone to do what you want to do."

She senses that's all you want - and all she could possibly give you to make you happy - is lots of space away from her and to be left alone. She, however, craves touch, eye contact and connection - and practically begs for this in the letter. The fact that she has written this letter suggest that verbal communication has now completely failed.

This all jumped out as a massive difference in interaction styles. Does high functioning autism or aspergers feature in your family?

I think she is hurting and is genuinely trying to reach out, albeit in some places missing the mark. Often on this forum women will advise other women to say very directly what you need from your OH. I think that’s what she’s trying to do.

Taking out the anger and past, go through each thing and think if it’s fair and reasonable request that you are happy to do or if it’s really not or somewhere in between. Then think of what you want from her. Is it just freedom?

You don’t have to stay together for the baby but it’s probably not the best time to leave your wife even if that happens eventually. For now, I personally I would get a counsellor (and if you can’t afford one seek out a suitable neutral party e.g local vicar).

In response to the last post, you could also see this as that OP has already tried to give his wife the attention that she so desires, and has tried to meet her emotional needs and attention needs by giving up his friends and a social life. He has adapted his life to try to make her feel happy - before she was pregnant. But he began to resent her as he felt none of his own needs were able to be considered, ie spending time with his own father, he cannot make any decisions for himself as wife feels entitled to be included in all elements of his life and decide when it is and isn’t acceptable to do anything without her. He clearly says he wasn’t getting anything in return ie any compromise. This will always cause issues in a RS.

The couple then reached a stage where DH decides to push back on DW’s demands and ask for ‘space’ to fulfil his own emotional needs (socialising friends and family) and they clearly entered a stage where communication broke down entirely

From the OP you can see that The pregnancy has made DH feel that he wants to revisit trying to rebuild their RS. In response to his desire to rebuild his DW has written a long list of demands and instructions to him. He has not done the same to her that we are aware of

OP I do not think you have ASD. You write like someone who has empathy and understands the dynamics of why the RS doesn’t work well - you know it is communication and a difference in emotional needs. It does not make someone ASD who finds it draining and overwhelming to meet their partners emotional DEMANDS, only to be told its still not good enough. It also doesn’t make you ASD to expect than in any marriage you can go hill walking with your DF without WW3 breaking out

If there has been no breach of trust on your side, then it is obvious that your DW has very high emotional expectations and you may well not be the right person to be able to meet those needs.

I agree with @PicsInRed. Her opening paragraph is very different to your view but the bit about you wanting to be left alone makes perfect sense with her need to some sort of emotional connection with you. Pretty normal for a married couple.

How often are you actually at the gym or other exercising? Is it actually an unreasonable amount or a case of her not wanting you to go?

The list is pretty standard for a married couple expecting a baby, surely? You show and interest in your wife and baby. Thats the bulk of the list. Giving you specifics on how to do basic communication suggests she has tried other ways and thinks giving specific examples might help you to do that. How do you show an interest in your wife now, that she clearly thinks isnt good enough?

Why do you need telling to sort your driving license out and Hoover the car? Thats just basic adulting. You shouldn't need a list of chores as an adult. Just do them.

What horrible things and names are you shouting back?

I can’t work out what people here are seeing in the list that they think is an unreasonable thing to expect of a husband??? Can someone be specific?

Wife said tell your friends youll see them when you can but not as often. You said youve totally given them up.

How often in a month so you see your friends?

What I can see that is baffling you is that DH’s needs only feature once, in this negative paragraph that shuts down the discussion

I have thought long and hard what to do in return but I know all you want is more space and to be left alone to do what you want to do.

Sadly this is not feasible. We got ourselves into this situation and we need to work a way through it. We can't opt out, even if we'd like to. It will be hard for you to adjust to as you value you freedom so highly, just like I do, but we will have to give up some of our independence for the good of the family and that's just the way it is.

She also says

Avoid saying things like controlling/ manipulative as this is your perception and is not necessarily the case and is extremely painful for wife to hear. This is also not the perception of wife’s other friends and family.

But what if it is the case? Women on here all the time are in the same situation. Women are capable of being controlling and manipulative - he already felt that way before she was pregnant and the marriage was on its last legs. She now wants all of that talk to cease. She’s not addressing why someone she loved would make such a ‘horrible accusation’, she is just saying ‘it’s not true stop saying it’

The email reads that DW has done reflecting and acknowledges nothing about herself, she has listed nothing that DH may want, nothing she is going to do to work to improve it. It’s all for DH to improve. there is not one thing on there that she is going to do herself to make it better, she is carrying the baby so her job is just that

It’s not written as a couple list
There is no ‘we’ in it.
Even a counsellor would hate this list of demands.

A list like this should say ‘I would like you to...’ and how you feel emotionally. And how you will achieve it.

‘I would like you to ask me about my day, as I sometimes feel you are disinterested and distracted. This can make me feel unhappy. We should sit down and talk more’

‘I am sorry that you feel I am controlling, I am sometimes frustrated when you change plans without telling me. We should have a wall planner where we put all of our social events and see if they clash’

Or even

‘I need you to learn to drive and help with the car, I am feeling anxious about being the only driver. Can we work out a plan of driving lessons and chores’

‘I understand that you need some independent time to yourself. I worry that we may drift apart. I would like to set aside some regular time for us. When the baby arrives things will all change and we will need to be flexible with each other’s needs and talk openly about what is practical’