I don't think I can do any better.

[holymoly678]

When do you think is the right time to take stock and realise you're not all your partner wants you to be? Do you get out or keep trying? We've had so many rocky patches - stresses and strains and on the back of each we try to learn how to make things better.
One thing that annoys him is if we argue I'll continue it for too long and can't let things settle and take space.
So, the other night, after dinner he asked me what was wrong, said I'd been quiet "not myself" and removed. I wasn't aware of this so was a bit surprised. Perhaps I had not been myself but had had a busy day at work and wasn't being rude or stand offish.
A bit of a bicker ensued and he went off to bed. Half an hour later I did too and before going to sleep told him I was sorry I'd upset him and hadn't intended to.
Frosty atmosphere in the morning then all hell has broken out since as I broke a promise not to wake him up. I hadn't realised he was asleep (stupid maybe) and thought it was OK to quietly apologise and try to make amends for the next day.
I've been told I'm a f*&king liar who can't keep my promises and a whole host of other things.

I'm not sure if I am making any sense but I really feel that I can't be all he wants me to be and probably will continue to break these promises as I am incapable of otherwise. I almost feel he'd be better writing me a step by step manual!
Someone please give me a step for a hint...!

He's abusive and coercive and sees you as a doormat. You will end up a shadow of yourself with no confidence or selfor esteem if you stay with him.
Normal people don't treat their partners like shit. You should dump him.

You can do a fuck load better than this piece of shit.
End the eggshell dance
Move in and block and be thankful you can consign him to your past ( i assume there are not any children involved)

I'm genuinely not sure that he's abusive (although he did go ape last night!); I just think he is pig sick of the way things are panning out and I can't offer him a "perfect" relationship.

I'm genuinely sure he IS abusive. This won't get better OP. You'll never do right for doing wrong. He'll always find something to blame you for. Nothing will ever be his fault.

It feels like I am responsible for his happiness (or otherwise). I really do try my best but I am normal and can't be 100% on point all the time. AND I am going to make mistakes, sure. Don't we all? Doesn't he? Maybe I've let too many of his faults slide and this makes him feel superior.

Sorry, just ranting but I really can;t bear to continue carrying the cross of our doomed relationship!

Then don’t - his happiness is not your responsibility, can you make plans to leave?

You are only responsible for your own happiness, not his. Drop that cross! (preferably on his foot).

I'm going to have to. I just can't bear the thought of it.

Can you bear the thought of living the rest of your life like this?

OP his behaviour is absolutely classic coercive control. It’s straight out of the abusers’ handbook. He has you tiptoeing on eggshells, trying to please, apologising for your existence, doubting yourself.
If you stay with him you will become a ground down doormat, with no self esteem left.
For your own sanity and well being, please, please chuck him out of your life. You deserve so much better than this vile shit. You would be much happier either on your own, or with someone who actually loved you and valued you, someone who wanted to build you up and encourage you, not undermine and destroy you with continual criticism.

He 100% is abusive. You will never be able to be perfect for him. I've been in that situation. It grinds you down....best thing I ever did was leave. You'll be so much happier if you do.

He sounds abusive and unpleasant. No one should speak to you the way you've described let alone someone who is meant to love you.
I always went by the motto that I'd genuinely rather be single than in a bad relationship. Please leave him OP

Classic abusive behaviour OP. Spend some time reading about the topic so you can see it too.

You need to accept that you will never be good enough and you need to understand that this is not a reflection on you at all. The truth -as they say -will set you free. Free of this nasty piece of work.

You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you this way and doesn’t wreck your head. This is no life for you.

He is the one with issues and problems just cut him loose.

How long have you been a couple.
Who starts the arguments?
Do you ever not speak to him, or does he just do it too you?
Does he ever say sorry, or worry when your upset?

We have been a couple for 4 years. I'm not sure how the arguments start, but more than often me. I didn't necessarily think we had even had an argument the other night.
I never stonewall him though he does me. For the last 24 hours he couldn't be in the same room as me, I slept in a separate bed for the first time.
He never apologises as it's never his fault. The only time he apologises is when he goes off on a rant about my "behaviour" but even then it must somehow feel justified cos I started it and if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have acted like that.

Wow, he sure has you trained.
Life is not meant to be a fight like this.
Your partners, but he doesn't treat you like one.
Maybe look online about how not to argue, and see if anything changes, no I am not saying put up with it, I mean see how he reacts when you don't argue back, as I think he might be getting you to argue so he can blame you.

Don't be ridiculous OP. I've never been perfect in any relationship neither have any of my partners it isn't possible. You are being made to feel sub standard and nobody who loves you would do that.
He sounds far from peffect to me.
I'd have slung him out for speaking to me like that. I wouldn't stand for it.

Look up passive aggressive.

Well, he won't have to be in the same room with you ever again if you leave.

Stonewalling is a recognised abuse tactic. How many more red flags do you need? Dont you think your mental health and happiness should be your priority over trying to fix the unfixable?

Your relationship isn’t normal and it’s not ok. Leave, run into your freedom, make happiness a real possibility instead of something which - if you stay with him - is never going to happen.

Thanks everyone for all your feedback and advice. I am truly gutted.
Things are sooo good otherwise, but I appreciate that is not ideal

Just how many arguements do you have?
Each week, each day?
Maybe write down what the argument was about and when it happened .
I used to argue with my ex, about him never doing family things, never washed up. Always giving him money as he couldn't budget.
Trouble was he was a nice guy, so long as I didn't argue.

OP - do you think he was asleep?

Or - maybe he was 'asleep' so that he could complain about being 'woken up'? He wants you to apologise so you do, and that's wrong, because it 'woke him up' (but did it?). So maybe next time you don't apologise until the next morning, but that is also wrong, because it's 'too late' or you don't really mean it, or it's raining or it's November or it's too early or too quiet or ... whatever. It will still be wrong. YOU will still be in the wrong. He is using it as a stick to beat you with and you are so caught up with how it makes you feel and what can you do to make it better, that you can't see that it is HIM who is making you feel like this.

Your thread title - you CAN do better . You can't do more for him, no, because it will always be wrong. There is NO pleasing, or appeasing these people.

Get rid. Be happy.

What is your housing situation? It's time to plan the rest of your life free from this abuser