I don't think I can do any better.

[holymoly678]

When do you think is the right time to take stock and realise you're not all your partner wants you to be? Do you get out or keep trying? We've had so many rocky patches - stresses and strains and on the back of each we try to learn how to make things better.
One thing that annoys him is if we argue I'll continue it for too long and can't let things settle and take space.
So, the other night, after dinner he asked me what was wrong, said I'd been quiet "not myself" and removed. I wasn't aware of this so was a bit surprised. Perhaps I had not been myself but had had a busy day at work and wasn't being rude or stand offish.
A bit of a bicker ensued and he went off to bed. Half an hour later I did too and before going to sleep told him I was sorry I'd upset him and hadn't intended to.
Frosty atmosphere in the morning then all hell has broken out since as I broke a promise not to wake him up. I hadn't realised he was asleep (stupid maybe) and thought it was OK to quietly apologise and try to make amends for the next day.
I've been told I'm a f*&king liar who can't keep my promises and a whole host of other things.

I'm not sure if I am making any sense but I really feel that I can't be all he wants me to be and probably will continue to break these promises as I am incapable of otherwise. I almost feel he'd be better writing me a step by step manual!
Someone please give me a step for a hint...!

@holymoly678 no things are not good.
You are in the rabbit in the headlights mode which is a stock feature of being in an abusive relationship. You are turning his behaviour onto you which is exactly what he wants.

Don’t take this wrong way but really you need to calmly and quietly and quickly educate yourself on what this means for you as a woman.
You’ve taken the first step by identifying and acknowledging that this isn’t right.

"It feels like I am responsible for his happiness (or otherwise)"

And this state is doing you no favours at all. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own self. You cannot ever fully please someone like this bloke (who really targeted you because he has indeed seen something within you he can and has indeed exploited for his own ends) because he will forever move the goalposts about.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this?.

How exactly are things so good otherwise?. Abuse like you describe is truly insidious in its onset. I would think that things are only good when you are quiet, fully compliant and completely subservient to him. He has trained you over these past 4 years to get you to this point you are at now, this is all completely deliberate on his part.

Plan your exit now from him and carefully, your safety is of paramount importance.

And this man you are currently shackled to is abusive. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Maybe I've let too many of his faults slide and this makes him feel superior.

So stop letting faults slide for a start: point them out, briefly and factually, every time, and decline to get into a discussion about them. If he takes exception, say that if he can whinge on about your "behaviour" you can do the same.

And make it clear that you are never responsible for how he behaves: there is only one person who is responsible for that, very obviously, and if he can't control his behaviour he needs help.

This is all making me feel a bit sick. I am dreading the weekend, we have a long one too, with a surprise overnight stay on Sunday which he has organised which I'll then be made to feel guilty about because "look at all the nice things he does for me". And we have friends coming over and we will do the whole pretend everything is great thing.
I could honestly break down and cry at my desk. What a total headfuck!

Don’t go then. If this is it for you why endure a weekend of lying to yourself and others just to save his nasty face?

Go away somewhere
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do

I don't have anywhere else to go. I'll figure something out in the coming days I reckon.

Yes you can do better !

End this relationship today

Find someone who wants to spend time with you. So that you can be happy

OP this is a horrible, horrible man. To talk to you, who he is supposed to love, as though you are a disobedient servant, is distressing to read. You are supposed to be equals - not terrified of making him angry. Please don't have children with this man, then you will be trapped and imagine how he will treat the children. Find a way out as soon as you can. You are a kind and thoughtful person and thoroughly deserve a decent partner, not this abusive 'boss'.

How dare he speak to you like that!

Do you even realise how bonkers this statement is Things are sooo good otherwise ?

You are saying that if you exclude everything bad then it's good.

Is that what you tell yourself? That when he is being nice that is reality but when he is horrible then it's some kind of parallel universe that doesn't count and can be ignored.

You judge relationships on how bad the bad is.

@holymoly678 how are things now?

So end of a long, busy day and you are tired... So you are a bit quiet, not entertaining him or as attentive as he likes
And He starts a row that you end up apologising for. Making you more tired, more anxious and on edge into the next day. This is not right, the problem is not you.

Maybe perhaps instead he could be understanding, make u a cup of tea, give you a cuddle

How can things be soooo good if he's being an arsehole to you on a regular basis?
And things are only sooo good when you're doing what you're told and bending over backwards to please him I bet

You're the victim of moving goalposts, OP. You could actually be perfect and still he'd put you in the wrong. Nobody is responsible for another's happiness. Intimate relationships are not meant to be guessing games, exams or endurance tests.

You really need to get out of this one as he will only get more extreme with his demands and you are guaranteed never, ever to get it right.

This isn't how relationships are supposed to be. When you appeared withdrawn a loving DP would have asked if you were ok and on hearing you'd had a busy day might have said something comforting or offered to make you a cup of tea. It certainly wouldn't be grounds for a squabble.

As for the following morning... PPs have said that you're never going to be good enough. He'll keep moving the goalposts however hard you try. I agree with them 100%.

People who love you are kind and loving. They're on your side. They don't expect perfection or gratitude. The two of you together should be much better/stronger than the two of you apart

Going by those standards this man doesn't love you. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but every day you waste with him is time you could be out there looking for someone better.