Are these red flags? Advice please.

[goshohmy]

...or am I over-analysing things?

I'm trying to work out some things about my (new-ish) relationship. Was single for ages before this and really don't have much experience of men or relationships. I'm 32. I've been googling and reading threads and I just don't know. I'm seeing this guy and for the most part he's very affectionate and we have a nice time but other things make me feel a bit off kilter and I don't know if it's just my imagination or if we're just not suited to each other maybe.
So we usually see each other over the weekend and we plan this in advance but sometimes we see each other on weekdays and this is usually arranged that day or the day before. A while ago he text me in the morning and asked me to go over to his place that night and I agreed and he said he would pick me up after work and drive us to his. I was in work too and at about 11 am I said it would be nice if he picked me up, thanks. He didn't reply again for the whole day and didn't read my message even though I could see he was online. I assumed he was busy and didn't think anything of it. He then called me at the time I thought he'd be at mine to pick me up (6.30 pm) but he said he'd forgotten and accidentally driven most of the way home and he said he could come back and collect me but he didn't sound like he wanted to and then he said I could get the train and he'd pick me up at the train station. I was in such a tizzy that I just agreed because I had to run to catch the train. He lives a 30 minute drive from me and the train is 15 minute walk away and only once an hour and takes 25 mins and doesn't go that close to his place, he still has to drive to collect me.

This is the thing I can't ask anyone IRL. So when he asked me over I'd mentioned I was having my period. He actually clarified that with me later that night. He'd said we could watch a movie and have an early night, which is what we did. Next morning i used his bathroom and toilet - they are separate rooms - and then he went into the toilet and came out and we had this conversation:
Him: is everything okay?
Me: yes.
Him: (just stares at me)
Me: why?
Him: there was a drop of blood on the handle in the toilet. (Stare)
Me: oh I'm sorry.
Him: (just stares)
Me: I'm sorry, I don't know what to say.
Him: (stares)
Me: I'm sorry, I'm really embarrassed.
Him: (stares)
Me: I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say.
Him: (stares a bit more) it's okay, give me a cuddle before we go out.

I should add that my immediate thought was that he was making it up to show me that he was okay with it or something. I know that seems weird but it was just the feeling I got. I felt like he wasn't telling the truth. My period was really light and I washed my hands and dried them in a small white towel. So thinking over it I just don't see how it happened. But even if I did do it I still think it's strange. It's never happened before. So it's not like I'm always doing it and he had to bring it up because it was an issue.

He's made a good few comments about me splashing water next to the sink when I wash my hands so I'm always really careful and I always check that the sink and the floor and towel are clean after I've used them. He's said things like "if you have trouble washing your hands you can do it in the kitchen instead", to which I said "am I splashing a lot" and he said yes. The thing is he's clean but not overly clean but he's reacted in a strange way a few times, once I almost touched the window in his kitchen and he grabbed my arm and said "I have to clean that". Another time he had spilled something in his kitchen and cleaned it up but it was still sticky and as I was walking into the kitchen he was pointing and telling me not to step in it and I thought I was stepping over it and he was a bit "off" that I stepped on it. He never gets angry with me, I always just feel like I've done something wrong or I'm in the way.

Another example is we were cooking, just throwing stuff together from the fridge and he took out some onions to chop but said they made his eyes water so I offered to do it and he walked off and I chopped the onions. He came back and said "you chopped them like that?" And I said "yes". I was confused for a second because I thought there'd been a recipe or I hadn't heard him say he wanted them chopped a certain way. So he took over then and said "my mum chops them like this" and he chopped them up really fine. It was weird because there wasn't really much of a difference between how I'd done it and how they ended up. I also thought it was weird because he seems a bit resentful of his mum. he told me a few times very early on that he was bullied as a teenager because his mum made him think he was better than other people. He said he'd forgiven her though.
Another time I blew out a candle and he showed me the right way to blow it out so I wouldn't get wax everywhere, but I hadn't gotten wax anywhere and it was my candle in my flat!

Writing this out it all sounds petty, but there have been other things, like deliberately misunderstanding questions I'm asking and communication that goes round in circles and never getting a straight answer so giving up, but not really realising what has happened until later, if you know what I mean. And going quiet when we're together. Once it was lashing rain and he took the umbrella from me and held it up but only over his head so I got soaked. When I said it to him he put it over both our heads for about a minute and then back over his own head so I was soaked again. I mean, he held it right down over his own head so that it was almost touching his head and completely away from me, like I wasn't even there. He also seemed annoyed at me but I hadn't done anything wrong.
There are other things. He compares me to his ex sometimes and it's always in my favour but it always makes me feel a bit crap. He never gives me compliments and it's always our behaviour he's comparing. She was very pretty and he has told me a few times she was a beautiful woman but she was too needy. He also broke up with her suddenly because she was sick and needed a doctor and he stayed out at a party all night and she was by herself and got angry at him when he came home. So he just ended it. He's told me this story a few times and he always says he paid all the mortgage and bills and he let her move in because she had nowhere else to live. It's as if he thinks she shouldn't have ever gotten annoyed at him because of that. He also said he thinks she might have cheated on him because she accused him of cheating and he said she was projecting.
This all sounds so stupid. It's just that i don't know if I'm too sensitive and jealous of the way he talks about his ex.

There have been a few other things and I'm trying to separate it all out but I'd just like to know what people think and if I'm just reading too much into things and I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone.I'd really appreciate any advice or opinions. Thank you.

As a pp said, he doesn't understand periods, so he made up a scenario that is extremely unlikely, out of ignorance and simply to put OP in the wrong. He sounds unhinged.

Good God.

He sounds really alarming OP. Stop seeing him, immediately, block and delete.

He's a fruit loop, yes, and a particularly controlling, unpleasant one. He clearly likes very much to have you on the back foot, to make you feel uncomfortable - everything you've related are classic first steps to a seriously abusive relationship developing - criticising, manipulating by going quiet so you panic about what you've done wrong, making things up so that you never know where you are, headfucking you by treating you very poorly (lifts, umbrellas) but acting all normal so you wonder if it's you. Result: he's very quickly managed to train you into being 'under' him, trying to get his approval, being on the back foot.

If you doubt yourself at all, think through the period thing. That is so mad that even in the thick of being headfucked like this, you KNOW he was lying (and you're right - light period, usual carefulness- any woman would raise an eyebrow at that, there would have been no blood - only a bloke with no clue would assume that it was reasonable that you spent your time in the bathroom hosing down the deluge and may have missed a spot ). So have a think through that. Think about his thought processes there. He thought up a way to try and make you feel uncomfortable, stare you out, get you to apologise, then he could 'forgive' you. Chilling, classic, abusive weirdo headfuck behaviour.

He is nuts, and dangerous.

OP once you've got rid of this weirdo, please think about your boundaries and how this has happened so quickly. Here is my take on how that period exchange would have happened, should have happened with someone with strong boundaries:

Him: is everything okay?
Me: yes.
Him: (just stares at me)
Me: why?
Him: there was a drop of blood on the handle in the toilet. (Stare)
Me: oh I'm sorry.
Him: (just stares)
Me: I'm sorry, I've apologised, it was an accident.
Him: (stares)
Me: Is there something wrong? There really is no need to stare at me like that.
Him: (stares)
Me: Right, if you can't accept a normal apology for a normal accidental thing, then I think it's best I leave. Please stop staring at me so rudely, you are being very weird now.
Him: (stares a bit more) it's okay, give me a cuddle before we go out
Me: 'No, I really don't think so. Please never treat me like that again or this won't be continuing.'

You accepted his poor treatment of you, his weirdness and rudeness and fell over yourself to apologise. It goes to show how quickly stuff like this gets normalised in an abusive relationship and how men like this home in on women whose natural instinct is to keep the peace, smooth things over. It's not bad to be a peacekeeper - but at the same time, those boundaries need to stay in place.

'I'm getting wet here, can you just give me MY umbrella back please if you can't hold it in the centre properly?'
'No I don't have trouble washing my hands, I always make sure the sink is wiped from spills, do you mind showing me where all this water is?'
'I chop onions like your mum? (Laugh) That sounds like a good compliment to me!'
'Um, there really isn't any need to show me how to blow out my own candles in my own flat thanks. I've managed so far without drowning in wax, as you can see.'

Of course, there would only be a few of these exchanges needed before someone with good boundaries simply told a nasty controlling weirdo like this to sling their hook.

Get rid, OP, and have a think about boundaries and what you will accept in a relationship.

He sounds absolutely awful. Run and never look back!

You are underreacting. Massively!

Red flags are subtle signs someone is not to be trusted and potentially damaging. Signs that are confusing and sometimes hard to spot

He's just treating you like shit and being an arsehole. He is not anywhere close to healthy relationship material.

You say you don't have too much experience dating - I would really recommending seeing a counsellor for a little while to talk through your expectations and boundaries when it comes to relationships.

Hopefully it will help you feel more sure of yourself and it's so worth it as a long term investment.

His behaviour is needlessly hurtful, selfish and to be honest very strange. He might not be a "bad" person - it doesn't matter why he is like this - but his behaviour is not acceptable and you shouldn't be even entertaining this relationship.

Have the replies on here helped you see how out of the ordinary and horrid his behaviour has been?

Hope you can end it and move onwards and upwards

I'd call these red flags. Most definitely. The blood on the handle thing was awkward as hell, most people would just wipe it and move on and not mention it.
He's doing little things to make you feel bad so you doubt yourself.
I'd end it for sure.

I am with other posters, he's definitely OCD, my exdp had this and was exactly the same. However, he was kind and considerate in all other ways and I would have been very concerned if he'd kept the umbrella over himself while I got wet! My exdp's OCD was never a problem for me as I knew he couldn't help it but you shouldn't accept this other horrid behaviour from your "dp" and you deserve to be treated with respect.

I was emotionally abused for years by my Step-Dad and he used to shame me for leaving blood in the toilet too, this was one of his things. You know when you flush but occasionally some tissue remains? If he saw it he’d make a big deal about it rather than just flushing it without thinking twice like all normal people.

This guy is a selfish arsehole and he is beginning to try manipulating and controlling you. They’re subtle at first but gradually worsen, run for the hills.

Please don't waste any further time on this controlling, unkind, self centred, downright unhinged man! I agree the blood thing sounds made up to shame you, describing an ex as beautiful is an insensitive thing to do even if he was saying the same about you, the umbrella thing is downright selfish and bellend-like. Get back out there, OP, tell him to fuck off and chop his own stupid onions. Don't stick with this out of comfort/ bewilderment because before you know it, years will have flown by.

In the unlikely event that you got a drop of blood on a door handle (I can't honest imagine how that would happen if you wash your hands after using the toilet etc which no.doubt you do) .... Anyone mentioning it, making a big deal out if it etc odd and bullying. A decent person would have just wiped it off with a wipe or whatever and said nothing Dina's not to embarrass the person. But I doubt there was a drop.of blood.

I skim read the rest and it sounded as bad or worse.

As another pp said he's batshit.

And nasty batshit at that.

He's shaping up as a bullying, abusive actually, nitpicking, control freak, miserable, uncomfortable b*stard

Please get out.

He sounds extremely pernickety and you may not be suited.

More concerningly though, he seems to be training you to understand you are his inferior and you must obey him in all things.

The worrying thing about the ex-girlfriend story is that he has no problem with telling you about it. He behaved selfishly and callously and he seems to be almost proud of that. He's not a kind man, OP.

I don't see any red flags OP, just one almighty neon billboard saying RUN!

Block him on your social media, your phone and e-mail.
His behaviour does not sound normal.

You should get out of this relationship now. Right now. Right this minute. And don't look back.

Well that's all very odd and all quite a lot like my ex husband which tells you everything you need to know about what I think you should do.

I wondered about OCD but it's not just about needing things a particular way in his flat is it?

The period thing - I've been having periods for nearly 30 years and getting blood on the toilet handle has never happened to me. It just sounds made up. Then you have to ask yourself why he would make that up?!

Walk away, honestly, I would have called it quits when he started telling me how to wash my hands I think.

Get away now- he's already emotionally controlling you (the toilet handle stuff)

He is a mummy's boy with OCD, controlling and rude and selfish to boot.
Don't waste your time with Mr. Imaginary Menstrual Blood on the Handle. He is probably dressed up as his mummy right now, rocking in a chair - RUN.

In all the years I've been having periods I've never got blood on the handle.

He's a liar and a weirdo. Run. Run fast.

he sounds awful OP!

All of these replies have helped me see things a bit more clearly. The things I outlined in my OP were a small part of us generally getting on and having fun.

The thing with the blood was I didn't start to analyse it until much later. The sink in his toilet is tiny and I was so careful about not splashing water that I flushed the toilet (it's a press down flush, not a handle) and then took the little white towel from the ring and held it against the sink with my hip as I washed my hands and then used it to dry my hands and put it back and then opened the door. I did this so I wouldn't splash the floor when I was reaching for the towel. So to get it on the door, it would have been on my hands but not gotten on the towel and not washed off when I washed my hands. But at the time when he said it I wasn't thinking about it. I just felt like something was "off" but not even in a negative way, just that it didn't feel right.

I appreciate all the advice. I posted because he actually broke up with me last week and now says he thinks he made a mistake and wants us to get back together and I'm a bit all over the place. It came out of nowhere and he wouldn't tell me why, he just kept going on about his ex and he said he got spooked by something I said because it made him think of her. He just wouldn't tell me what which I'm finding really frustrating.

I start writing a list of things he'd done that felt a bit off just to get my head around it and I didn't realise there was so much. He thinks we can work on things now and says he wants us to work out but I was already having doubts but I wasn't sure if I was just trying to convince myself I was better off because I had no choice! I asked him not to end it but he was certain, and then he changed his mind.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to read my (too long) post and reply. Someone of them actually made me laugh which I needed because it's really gotten under my skin and I've been feeling a bit all over the place.

it's really gotten under my skin and I've been feeling a bit all over the place
Please don't go back as it will teach him he can do what he likes

Re read the paragraph describing in minute detail how you washed your hands - you should never have to be this aware of everyday stuff he's got you on eggshells already!

Are you going to end it then OP?

You deserve more than having to worry so much that you remember the minutiae of a hand washing moment!

I don't remember some of the most seminal moments in my life in that much detail!

So you are already free of him? Thats great. Dont go back, and block him on any and all social media. Deep down, you know this is all wrong, listen to that gut feeling and just dont get dragged back in. Blocking him will help you do that.

He did you a huge service by breaking up with you last week.

There are more red flags about him than are present at a Communist party convention.

Do not go back to him, he will merely control you again as he has done up till now.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Consider that question carefully and love your own self for a change.

Please look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as well as reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Please don’t go back with him, he’s nasty and bonkers and you deserve better .

I agree with the PP who suggested some counselling . You have good instincts because you were smart enough to come on here and ask about him. You knew something was off about how he behaves .

But you need to work on strengthening your boundaries.