Feel so stressed, so manipulated- wise words please?

[NoFun21]

STBXH - departed 1,6 years. Previous threads on out “ birds nest” arrangement where he visits my young kids at home ,‘one with asc.
If I am angry or visibly frustrated when coping alone all week and then accommodating him at weekends he then starts talking about how he just wants to get on with divorce and see his kids and everything is my fault etc etc. Called me a cunt in front of my kids as we were arguing, I’m ashamed but my son had insisted I go out with them in car ( hard to understand unless you understand asc) and I was exhausted and frustrated and got Crisis’s with him.

If I am nice and accommodating and not angry he makes comments about how nice I look.

He sent me flowers today as it was my daughters birthday.

He came to house - all had nice time. Huge effort on my part as children unwell. I then said “ goodbye to daddy” etc to draw an boundary. I thenMake mistake of texting to thank him for flowers.
Texts followed1:you deserve them.

1. I’m so low and so horny. I tell him I’m not interested in him being horny and it makes me feel the nice things he has said and flowers are not genuine.

I then get a barrage of texts about how genuine he is and how he won’t lmention anything sexual “ henceforth” 3 to please let him know about my child’s illness ( have been telling him all week how he is) and that I am not to text him before he arrives about anything as he will not be given orders etc ) with my autistic son things change moment and moment and with a 2 year old things also happen last minute and if I talk to him about kids’ needs once he arrives he gets angry!?🤷🏻‍♀️)

I texted him to say that I am
Exhausted and he knows the kids are sick Etc and apparently I deserve flowers but not to have an evening free of texts like this trying to make me feel bad!?

I get awful anxiety when these texts come through. I want to get on for my kids but I find him so difficult to manage. What is going on here please? How do I manage this? I’m damned if I’m angry and I’m damned if I’m nice and normal.

Sorry it’s so long.

Sounds very difficult, but it would've been perfectly reasonable to switch off your phone once he went. Thanks for the flowers... Yes, nice, but encourages further conversation. I would say it anyway in your place, but switch off my phone and not be drawn in to further conversation.

Pass information to him the way works best for you and the kids. Try to switch off from his demands as much as possible.

Is there any reason why you're 'accommodating' him at your place at weekends? Surely that's when you should be getting a break. If there is a reason, why do you have to be there? Go out or go away for the weekend and leave him to it.

Insist on communication via email or get another number and use that SIM for him only.

Seems like boundaries are blurred here. Are there clear cut contact arrangements in place?

No more home visits. No more texting. Get on with the divorce.

Thanks .! Don’t understand what he’s doing. He says he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He wants t TY I have sex and yet I feel like a wreck an not sure why he looks at me and thinks sex.i am too angry with him about things to want sec and would only want that if he dealt with all the hurt and stress he’s caused me. He doesn’t try to do so . I don’t want sec with him sign no resolution and effort from him or declaration of wanting to save marriage- he sulks and sends me nasty messages? What’s the point?

Sorry not tv sex- he wants to have sex.

How about when your son doesn't want to go with his dad without you, you let him stay at home with you instead? (And minimise any time with ex - remember he's ex for a reason!)

Pretending to be happy families is probably not the best way to help your son cope.

My son has autism .
My daughter is 2. He lives 1,5 hours away in 1bed. I’d rather have him visit one day a week then insist on taking them regardless. My son has an anxiety around being separated from me . My daughter still breastfeeding.’I usually go out but last time we argued I popped back to give him car and my son wouldn’t go out in car with him without me and my daughter needed nap
I’m car. Today was my daughters birthday so nice for kids if we could celebrate together whine we did very nicely until he started texting about being horny.

Ok, x-post - are you together or aren't you? If you want to be with this man, can I ask, why the fuck?

If you don't, which seems reasonable, then don't have sex with him and don't speak to him except when necessary about the children.

I thought it was in child’s best interests to allow dad to see him in his home when he is very distressed at any mention of staying at dads etc. I have tried not to play happy families but just to be nice.

Not having sex with him. That’s why he’s upset.

I did once and felt revolted abc it also hurt because I didn’t really want it.

What about day time visits only but not in your house? You really want to minimise your time with him. He's not playing fair.

I thought it was in child’s best interests to allow dad to see him in his home when he is very distressed at any mention of staying at dads

He van take him out for the day.

Your ex doesn’t need to come into your home.

If he calls you a cunt why are you thanking him for anything or accepting flowers?

If you want to understand it so the Freedom Programme course.

He's just trying to control you. It's manipulation and coercion. Feeling powerful is what he gets out of it.

Last week I had a really bad knee and he texted me to see how I was - this was unusual and I thought he’s probably the. Want to tell me how depressed he was but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and then lo and behold/ “I’m so depressed “

I just don’t understand this behaviour and it’s motivation. It infuriates me when my son is so needy and the kids at such a vulnerable age snd stbx is acting like this.

What if the kids are ill - they have to go out all day? My son is not easy to take places it’s very hard because of his difficulties in certain situations and it’s hard to manage both kids out in public. If it’s raining soft plays etc are not an option with both kids because my son gets overwhelmed and my daughter runs in different directions so if he can be home snd then go out when appropriate and manageable it’s better but this means I have to stay out which is hard when I am with kids all week shd can never catch my breath.

These are not excuses before anyone says they are- my son gets v distressed in ceryisin situations about small things and can be v difficult to manage - I don’t want to force them all to stay out all bc say in stressful and difficult situations urs not fair on my daughter either.

He picks them back to his place. He takes them out. He invades your home, insults and upsets you, your kids see their dad being abusive to their mum.

The National Autistic Society has a Parent to Parent helpline:
0808 800 4106 who provide a confidential telephone service providing emotional support to parents and carers of autistic children and adults. The service is provided by trained parent volunteers who offer telephone support from their own homes.

Perhaps they can offer strategies and advice on how to handle contact with their father?

Do you have a solicitor OP?

yes thanks I know NAS has helpline but I don’t think they can necessarily help me with this/
Maybe I’m wrong. I do have a solicitor but I don’t think they
Understand the autism element.’

The Parent to Parent helpline might be able to help you as it is staffed by parents so they may have gone through similar problems with contact and can offer guidance and support. If not, perhaps they can direct you somewhere that does but it's certainly the place to start.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about the difficulties with your husband? The name calling, badgering you for sex etc? Has she given advice on that?

If your son can’t let you out of sight how will he cope with school? I’m wondering if there could be coping strategies that could be employed to help him. And those could be started now carefully to help wean him off you. But apologies if I’m misunderstanding the extent of how he is with his anxiety etc.

With regard to the ex, he’s been sooking up to you as he’s horny and you’re a warm body that will do to provide him with a bit of convenient relief as he doesn’t have a burd. Lovely. Guys seem to think that because they have one track minds that we are the same, so he prob thinks he’d be doing you a favour by humping you as you must be sexually frustrated too. It’s not about what you look like. He doesn’t care. He just wants a hole to stick his penis in. Lovely.

Is it really that bleak? He does look
Like he loves me when he is not angry or spiteful I think I see him looking at me with love. Not that it matters. Perhaps that’s just my stupid ego. When I asked him why he’d been sitting on the divorce and meantime trying to sleep with me He said it was because it was expensive so I I did say how awful it was trying get a easy f**K whilst trying to save money and his response was to say “ charming!”
As if it were me behaving badly? I really struggle with seeing things in black and white as people are complicated. Narcissists are actually pretty rare but people talk about this lots. People are complex. I’m confused. I want to see the best in
His behaviour . If he wants a hole to stick it in why me? I’m difficult, angry with him and complicated?