Time to separate?

[dinkydinosaurs]

Sorry if this turns out to be long, but I don't know where to start the situation is so complex. Thx for reading if you do...

DH and I have had problems on-and-off for the past 6y (since DD birth). We got to breaking point when DD was 18mo and it turned out that DH was suffering with anxiety - it affected everything, especially his mood which was awful most of the time, but I had no idea. He had counselling (so did I as I was quite scarred after DD birth) and we got things back on track thinking it was just a bit of a tough time (& I felt awful for not realising).

When DS was born 3y ago, I again had a pretty traumatic CS and aftermath (now have adenomyosis, horrendous AF (pain), various abdo issues, etc etc), oh DS didn't sleep hardly A WINK for 2.5y !!! I was a wreck. I felt unsupported by DH (emotionally) and felt v alone dealing w DS sleep issues, etc. He also put a lot of pressure on me to have sex, but I never felt like it and we had frequent disagreements that left me feeling pretty shit. Then we'd pledge to make positive changes by reducing stress/ making time for e/o, etc. And it worked for a while...

But recently, things have been terrible. DH's mood has gone downhill, it has happened gradually but has become unbearable over the past couple of months. DC can't stand to be left alone w DH and say he always "gets stressed" with them (which they hate). So as a result, every time I need some time to do anything (leave the house/ work etc) we have so much upset it leaves me feeling so guilty for doing whatever I'm doing and angry w DH.

Things came to a head over the past couple of wks bcoz we had a horrible bedroom situation (TMI/trigger ALERT) where DH (usually after a drink or 2) wld concentrate more on my backside than front. I had explained once b4 that I wasn't too comfortable w it, but we find it hard to communicate at the best of times(!). Ironically we had just talked and I had said how I feel a bit vulnerable during sex and felt like we were incompatible w what we like/ frequency/ etc. Things got heated & we were both enjoying it, but before I really registered what was happening, he had gone fully in the back door and 'finished' (I did have time to speak up & say I didn't want it, but I didn't and that's my fault I know). I felt sick to my stomach, for days after. I still do. It was obvious after that I was not sure how I felt about what had just happened and he apologised for getting 'carried away'.

Since then, we have briefly reconciled but then had a huge argument the other day. I told DH that DD said she doesn't like the way he talks to her, and she doesn't like the way he talks to me (). He got so angry and threw a towel across the room which broke a glass jug thing on the shelf & shattered everywhere. I was in bits crying and asking him to leave & he just shouted at me at full volume. It was awful and I hate thinking about it.

Since then we have had a heart-to-heart where I told him that I was tempted to separate. He admitted that he's been struggling w stress/ anxiety, but also feels our house (which I adore) is too small, so wants to sell. He doesn't think I was serious about separating (he also said it during the argument but was clearly just a threat).

God it's such a mess, I just don't know what to do. We work from home and have a very busy life. We rarely get time to ourselves (together or apart) and he says this is the problem. We have been together for 17y.

He sounds awful. You could have a better life alone with your kids being respected and not being forced in the bedroom.

Does the relationship make you happy?

If your child (when older) was treated by their partner the way your husband treats you would you be happy?

If your child (when older) treated someone the way your husband treats you would you be happy?

What good things does your husband bring to relationship?

I think you know the answer to your situation but it’s hard when youve been together for so long. We all deserve to be happy. You’re not. You’re husbands not. Even dd is not impressed with things.
Can you take the kids and stay with a relative for a while and see how you both feel then after a bit of space to think?

His behaviour will have a long lasting on them and potentially affect their future relationships.

^ Would be my major concern in the marriage.

He needs to get help and it would be a good idea for him to take a parenting class.

Your DH should get some counselling help from doctors.

I would echo the previous advice. What advice would you give your DD as an adult in this situation?

Also what environment do you want to raise your DC in?

If you are stuck in a cycle and can't see it changing, best to move on

Your relationship is simply dreadful. What your husband did is sodomise you.

Get your finances sorted, take some legal advice and get rid of him. Please.

This is just horrible and you can not protect and nurture your emotional well-being by staying in this marriage. Think about what your DD said, what would your advise be if your DD came to you with half the things that you have experienced with this poor excuse for a man.

Stop making excuses for him and start showing some love for yourself because you deserve better.

Thx to every1 who has taken time to reply. It feels good to just write it all down tbh! And I admit it sounds pretty awful on paper.

I just don't know what to think or do first. Obviously in between these terrible moments we lead a 'happy', albeit busy, life. He says that people argue all the time (& basically I am too sensitive), but I'm pretty sure what happened isn't 'normal' or acceptable. He just doesn't seem sorry for any of it. I feel at the bottom of the barrel.

My plan is to go along with the house sale in the NY, although it'll break my heart. Either way it has to go. As for the marriage - he thinks a bigger house will relieve a big area of stress, and he is planning to move our business away from home, so at least we'll have some form of separation from e/o. He also 'said' he'll self-refer to counselling for his anxiety issues.

But what on Earth do I do in the meantime?! How long do you wait? How many things do you try before ending it all? If DC weren't in the pic, then I would insist on a separation. But they are, and I can't bear any uncertainty for them until things are clear cut.

He seems perfectly happy to pretend nothing has happened and go back to life-as-usual. I feel shell shocked.

I'm not surprised. What he did was physically-sexually abuse you, dinkydinosaurs, that is serious stuff! He may well want to pretend all is hunky dory but what about you? He'll do it again and, who knows, you may really be injured next time.

Is there anyone in real life in whom you can confide, confidentially.

It is - quite - shocking. Please don't just let it go.

OP you said he upset your child. She told you herself she doesnt like the way he speaks to either of you. How much more “clear cut” does she need to be before you hear her? She only has one childhood. Do you want her to remember the arguments, screaming, things being thrown. That shouldn’t be something kids see and even if you ignore how he makes YOU feel you have to think of what children feel. They can be really sensitive to things. He isn’t really enriching her life is he?

I think you’ll find he “feels better” in few weeks and therefore doesn’t self refer to counselling. It’s all sooking up to you talk.

He’s probably thinking “best keep my head down, throw her a few bones to shut her up (ie the counselling promise and the business move) and she’ll forget about us having issues and we can just continue like we usually do and I can have my wife work done for me and sex whenever I feel like it in whichever orifice I happen to want to use.

If that’s what you want that’s fine. But I don’t think it is it you wouldn’t be on here.

If you want to split up you need to take action. Perhaps womens aid first as they are experts in many areas including money and child access etc.
You may be advised to move out or tell him to move out. If it were me I’d suggest packing up the kids and moving on with a relative for a few weeks. That would show him you are serious. The time apart would give you some space to think. It would also let you see how good things can be without him. Give you confidence that you are doing right by your child. Stop playing the ‘well it’s not that bad, kids need their dad’ card. Dd doesnt want to be with him, he’s useless at childcare, he hurts you physically and emotionally.

Why is it you are still trying to give him a break?

Get down to women’s side and tell them what youve told us and then perhaps you will believe us when we say you and your dc deserve better.

Just to say - none of the arguments/ throwing things happened when the kids were around. Thankfully!! But yes I can not deny the atmosphere/ not-talking that surrounds us most days.

We chatted last night and he says that couples argue all the time, and people get stressed and lose their shit. It's normal. It's really got me doubting myself and whether I am seriously overreacting.

What's gets to me is the lack of remorse. The lack of that caring thing - like when I'm crying or have clearly been crying, he doesn't ask me what's wrong, or if I'm ok. He says that's because he knows what's wrong and doesn't want to keep 'bombarding me' with it all. I just don't understand (he has always been like this, he wants to avoid confrontation and therefore just avoids all discussion). He starts talking about the weather, or work, or whatever like EVERYTHING IS FINE AND NORMAL.

I just feel like if one of us is upset, or ill, or hurting, the other one should try to comfort & listen to the other one and at least try to make things better. But it just doesn't happen that way with us. I'm not sure it ever has, but as we get older it just gets more and more apparent. It feels as though he just doesn't care that I'm upset. At all.

I feel like I should see a counsellor. Maybe we should see one as a couple, but I'm finding the bedroom incident and the latest argument very hard to move on from in order to make any sort of final decision. Any ideas about how I go about doing this?? We live in a rural area.

Couples do argue but they don't usually commit sexual assault.

The bedroom incident was a very serious issue indeed. I’m furious for you and any man that did that to me would be out the door. How can you ever trust him or feel safe?
Your children are upset and worried. This is not a healthy relationship at all.

“Bombard you”. Well that’s an interesting phrase for him to use that doesn’t fit the situation at all. Weird.

He either doesn’t understand empathy or he doesn’t care about you. Empathy is understanding how someone must be feeling in a situation.

If I saw my partner crying I’d try and comfort them. He doesn’t get that this is a normal reaction. Some people can’t.

Either that or he’s not sufficiently interested in what you are feeling and thinks “great here we go again. Sigh.”

Or even worse he knows what you argued about and feels he is right and you are wrong and that’s why he doesn’t “bombard you” as he says. ie he doesn’t want to go on and on (bombard you) about how he should be able to do whatever he wants to without you complaining, how dare you spoil his plans, it’s all your fault. (Or whatever, ie he doesn’t want to push you too hard with his being right all the time shit).

He’s trying to walk a thin line while getting what he wants without pissing you off too much in case you leave. He’s very manipulative op.

In a ten year relationship my ex and I “lost our shit” about twice a year. A more recent ex and I fought weekly by the end of our relationship. I dumped him as that was unacceptable. My most recent ex and I never argued in a year. We split amicably for other reasons

OP, he knows perfectly well you don't like anal. You're letting him have the cover story of "poor communication" but it wasn't that. He did it because he wanted to and you didn't matter.

Sorry OP two things I absolutely will not tolerate is being forced/pressure to have sex. I won't stand for it and anyone being nasty to my DS.
It sounds like it's over to me and you'd be much happier on your own.

It IS NOT normal.

Please don't bring children up with someone they have to tiptoe around, walking on eggshells and living with a volcano or whatever. It's very stressful to endure. I grew up with my dad being like that, and both my sister and I have been left with anxiety disorders, probably because our home, which should be people's place of relaxation, was a place where we were constantly nervous in a way, expecting the next temper tantrum.

I don't know the nature of how your DC acts when the children are around, but it's bad enough to lead them to tell you they're unhappy with it. Can you imagine saying something like that as a young child? I would somehow never have dreamt of doing so. It must be really bad for them to not be able to stop themselves saying how it makes them feel.

Your DC's are at risk of severe mental health problems in adulthood that effect their ability to work, be happy, or form relationships. You have to get them out of this situation now, for the sake of their current and future health and happiness.

And anal rape as well! You mightn't have had time to or felt you could say anything at the time, but you'd already made it clear to him in the past that you didn't like it, so he knew you didn't consent to it, and knowingly raped you.

As to 'anxiety'- lots of people suffer from anxiety- we don't tend to take it out on other people, or particularly make other people's lives difficult.

I keep adding to my post lol, sorry.

'I just feel like if one of us is upset, or ill, or hurting, the other one should try to comfort & listen to the other one and at least try to make things better.... It feels as though he just doesn't care that I'm upset. At all.'

He might not care. But mostly he's probably just trying to brush it all under the carpet and pretend it isn't happening- because that makes life easier; at least for him.

Thanks again everyone for your comments.

I don't feel raped or assaulted by him, I just really didn't like it, it made me feel sick and disgusting (I know some people enjoy it, but I definitely didn't). The first time he dabbled in it was about a year ago (I think) and we didn't go the full way, but I remember saying afterwards that I felt a deep sense of shame and wasn't sure about it (sounds silly but I didn't like the way he approached it, physically, I hate thinking about it). He said to not worry and just have happy thoughts, no shame (which was his way of making me feel better about it, and it came from a good place I think). I remember wondering why I felt so horrible and ashamed (probably deep rooted as I have some historical sexual issues from my school days).

It's only recently he's 'gone there' again, and I should have spoken up! I should've told him to leave it alone, but I didn't! I'm more angry with myself for 'going along with it all' until it had fully happened, I hadn't spoken up, and as far as he was concerned, I was enjoying things. So I can't fully blame him. But I am angry with him for knowing how sensitive the situation was (I had literally JUST confessed my vulnerability during sex minutes before) and then going there.

We have had lots of sex issues throughout our entire relationship (we met very young). I remember last year, during some of my most sleep deprived time and having had a big falling out due to the pressures of Xmas), he 'treated' me to an extra Xmas pressie of a vibrator and horrible cheap negligee from some sex shop. He misjudged this on so many levels - the timing, the state of the relationship, my personal feelings and preferences. I wore the thing once, then chucked it in the bin. Some sexy PJs from somewhere, minus the toy, might have just been acceptable, but I felt I was getting more silent pressure. Urgh I cringe when I think about it. But is that just 'men' as people keep telling me!?

I have confided in my mum a bit, but I think she agrees with him on some level that we are just in an extremely stressful time of life and this is a phase that will pass and we can be happy again. And that he hasn't changed and has always done stupid stuff and misjudged things, but ultimately is a good person.

FGS do not agree to move!!

It's been awful for 6 years and he's done nothing to change his behaviour/ deal with anxiety???

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are being abused and coerced in uncomfortable sex an intimate partner would have heard you the first time when you said you felt shamed. To bully you into it knowing full well you feel that way is sexual assault. You have been groomed to accept his behaviour but you know it's wrong when your daughter is pleading with you to leave it's time to go.

'But I am angry with him for knowing how sensitive the situation was (I had literally JUST confessed my vulnerability during sex minutes before) and then going there.
'

Some men get off on this- screwing women up. Of course he knew the situation- how couldn't he?

He sees you like a sex toy. Horrible vulgar man and he did rape you. I personally don't understand why straight men like to have anal sex with women. Are they really gay.?