Sorry if this turns out to be long, but I don't know where to start the situation is so complex. Thx for reading if you do...
DH and I have had problems on-and-off for the past 6y (since DD birth). We got to breaking point when DD was 18mo and it turned out that DH was suffering with anxiety - it affected everything, especially his mood which was awful most of the time, but I had no idea. He had counselling (so did I as I was quite scarred after DD birth) and we got things back on track thinking it was just a bit of a tough time (& I felt awful for not realising).
When DS was born 3y ago, I again had a pretty traumatic CS and aftermath (now have adenomyosis, horrendous AF (pain), various abdo issues, etc etc), oh DS didn't sleep hardly A WINK for 2.5y !!! I was a wreck. I felt unsupported by DH (emotionally) and felt v alone dealing w DS sleep issues, etc. He also put a lot of pressure on me to have sex, but I never felt like it and we had frequent disagreements that left me feeling pretty shit. Then we'd pledge to make positive changes by reducing stress/ making time for e/o, etc. And it worked for a while...
But recently, things have been terrible. DH's mood has gone downhill, it has happened gradually but has become unbearable over the past couple of months. DC can't stand to be left alone w DH and say he always "gets stressed" with them (which they hate). So as a result, every time I need some time to do anything (leave the house/ work etc) we have so much upset it leaves me feeling so guilty for doing whatever I'm doing and angry w DH.
Things came to a head over the past couple of wks bcoz we had a horrible bedroom situation (TMI/trigger ALERT) where DH (usually after a drink or 2) wld concentrate more on my backside than front. I had explained once b4 that I wasn't too comfortable w it, but we find it hard to communicate at the best of times(!). Ironically we had just talked and I had said how I feel a bit vulnerable during sex and felt like we were incompatible w what we like/ frequency/ etc. Things got heated & we were both enjoying it, but before I really registered what was happening, he had gone fully in the back door and 'finished' (I did have time to speak up & say I didn't want it, but I didn't and that's my fault I know). I felt sick to my stomach, for days after. I still do. It was obvious after that I was not sure how I felt about what had just happened and he apologised for getting 'carried away'.
Since then, we have briefly reconciled but then had a huge argument the other day. I told DH that DD said she doesn't like the way he talks to her, and she doesn't like the way he talks to me (
). He got so angry and threw a towel across the room which broke a glass jug thing on the shelf & shattered everywhere. I was in bits crying and asking him to leave & he just shouted at me at full volume. It was awful and I hate thinking about it.
Since then we have had a heart-to-heart where I told him that I was tempted to separate. He admitted that he's been struggling w stress/ anxiety, but also feels our house (which I adore) is too small, so wants to sell. He doesn't think I was serious about separating (he also said it during the argument but was clearly just a threat).
God it's such a mess, I just don't know what to do. We work from home and have a very busy life. We rarely get time to ourselves (together or apart) and he says this is the problem. We have been together for 17y.