It’s never going to get better

[Sooki6]

I know that my life isn’t going to get any better but I’m not strong enough to go. I have two beautiful children with my partner of over ten years and for years I’ve lived on an emotion rollercoaster depending on his moods and I’m getting exhausted from it but as soon as I feel I can’t take it anymore, he’s nice again and all it’s hard to think that I ever wanted to go. Last night was another reminder of why I feel bad. We had to sort out a credit card transfer. He asked for my help because I know how these things work and I knew what was coming. He started getting stressed, swearing and huffing and puffing whilst I tried to calm him- I spend my life pitter pattering around when he gets stressed, trying to calm him and hush the kids if they’re too noisy. The feeling of anxiety makes my chest tight. I even take beta blockers and was prescribed them purely to calm the anxiety I feel when he started to become stressed. As I was on the phone trying to sort the credit card, he got cross with me because I was pacing the room and quietly rolling the dogs ball around below my feet. He didn’t like that I was doing that. If I tried to help him to read out the numbers on his card so that he could type them, he’d ignore me and make a point of reading them himself making it obvious that he doesn’t trust me to get that right. He is my biggest critic. I’ve been screamed at for dropping a glass, been told that it efforts are “piss poor” because I failed to inform him of a simple plan, I’ve been told that my job isn’t as stressful as his and because he earns more, his is more important (I work in the public sector). If I make a mistake, I’m too scared to tell him. If I want to talk to him about something important, he will often walk away from me. But you would never know because it doesn’t look like this to anyone else and that’s what makes it trickier. And then when things are good, I wonder why I ever felt like this.

What do you want to do?

I want to be strong enough to leave but I feel so weak. I can’t always make sense of what it is that’s wrong but I know that it makes me deeply sad when things aren’t right and this happens often. I feel like I can’t be without him because of the lovely times that we can have as a four. It’s been like this for years and I’ve threatened to leave but he’s never changed- well maybe for a couple of weeks

I suppose I just want someone to tell me that I’m not over reacting. That they’d not want to stay either. I’m worried about whether I’d damage my children as they adore him.

First, I think that you've been living with anxiety and this abusive man (yes, he's abusive) for so long that you are absolutely overwhelmed and everything is in a knot.

I can make some suggestions on how to unravel the knot, but it's up to you if you take those steps to do it. However, the alternative is this staying the same, damaging your children (yes, it's already damaging them) and your anxiety getting worse.

Step 1. Contact Women's Aid and speak to them about your husband's behaviour as they need to do a risk assessment and help you work out a safety plan so that you can exit the relationship with minimum risk.

Step 2. Get legal advice regarding divorce. You can find a solicitor trained in domestic abuse at the Family Law Panel. The ones trained in DV have a purple ribbon beside their name. It might also be an idea to check out the CABx guide to divorce and separation first so you have a good idea of the steps you need to take and you know what to ask the solicitor.

Step 3. Contact Gingerbread after taking a look at their website, as they have all the information you need on being a single parent such as child maintenance, benefits, contact arrangements etc.

Step 4. I would also go and see your GP and explain how much you are struggling. Talk to her about the abuse as she may know of support groups and other local resources. Find out about therapy as you need the support. If you can pay for it try BACP

You're going to be ok. Deep breaths. One step at a time and things will start to look easier and more manageable. Some of these steps are just phone calls to gather information. Please don't tell your husband that you are thinking of leaving as I can assure you that he's abusive and he may ramp it up.

Ok, you agree NOT overreacting. He is an entitled weak wanker. You are a strong capable woman but maybe don't fully realise it. You really do need to leave him. Ok?

You are not over reacting. You are under reacting.

I would not tolerate this.

You children will be most damaged by living with a mother so beaten she has to take drugs that stop her feeling emotions properly while seeing their dad behave like an utter cock. A happy free mother is the best for them.

Thank you. I’m really grateful for your help. I know that if I’d have looked at myself before all of this and saw what I was putting up with, I’d be shocked with myself. He’s come home from work and all is fine and he’s being helpful which makes me feel guilty that I’ve posted this. It’s helpful for me to write on here as we don’t know each other and I’ve confided in a couple of people before but things got better and I felt bad for wasting their time (they didn’t make me feel bad, I made myself feel bad)

It's the cycle of abuse. Tension, abuse, reconciliation, honeymoon period (where he's nice). It will just keep on turning and in the meantime, you are are tiptoeing around him and his moods. It's no way to live. Don't feel guilty at all.

Have a look at this

You need to initiate the divorce with the solicitor when he's being temporarily nice. That's when you know you have accepted that the niceness is a blip until he gets back to normal i.e. vile.

Dear OP, when I read about how your partner’s moods make you feel anxious it reminded me of how my life was before I left my ex earlier this year. He’d always had periods of moodiness/mood swings but it got worse after our child was born in 2017. I was tip toeing around him, trying to work out his mood, trying to smooth things out and in the end I felt like I couldn’t breathe or relax (I also felt very much that I was doing everything in the house including looking after our child as well as holding down a full time job. I didn’t want my child to grow up in such an unpredictable environment so I decided to leave. It was the hardest thing ever but whenever I feel down and sad (we did have so lovely times too) I remind myself that my home is now always a happy place. I don’t have to worry about what mood he’ll be in when I get home or when he gets up in the morning because it’s just me and my child, no more tip toeing around!!!

Bloody hell OP

He asks doe help then criticises every single thing you do. You do nothing wrong and he picks fault in it. He does it so much that you are on medication, because no person can live with this level of criticism and feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time. It is a form of abuse.
YANBU to want to leave. Just because he can find it in himself not to be a total dick sometimes does not mean he is a good person

This man sounds like every woman's nightmare. What a horrible, controlling bastard he is.

Thanks you for your advice. He’s being lovely at the moment and not in a sleazy way, but I know that when I let my guard down the moaning and stress begins again. The only way that I can seem to keep things ok is to be cold and guarded. When we’re on our own away from the kids it’s usually fine but that’s not very often at all. We don’t have sex. I don’t want to and I’ve explained that it’s because of his bad moods. I’m going to try to enjoy Christmas and then be ready to make a decision. I know that I’ve felt so awful lately that it can’t continue and I’m losing the will to fight because I genuinely don’t think he really hears me.

I understand that it's easier to play along, to play happy families and to tip toe around him because lives aren't being disrupted. Unfortunately OP your mental health is being affected and we don't know how damaging this atmosphere is for your children. You're play acting.

You're in the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle where he's realised that he's gone too far and is playing nice to keep you there. The tension will begin to ramp up again and there will be other attacks on you.

Even if you don't do anything right now, then at least organise therapy so you can have support and a safe space to talk about this.

You're living in an emotionally abusive relationship. The fact that you need to take beta blockers to cope with him, says everything you need to know.

Speak to Women's Aid as a first step. Just to talk it through with them. Start putting a name to what's going on.

You have articulated your situation perfectly well here. Don't sell yourself short.

You don't need his agreement that things are bad enough to leave. You are unhappy...he makes you unhappy. You need to medicate yourself in order to get through the day.

What would you advise someone else to do ?

I’m losing the will to fight because I genuinely don’t think he really hears me. Yes! This is the truth. There is no point fighting him. He is not interested. Stop fighting, start leaving.

Book your solicitor appointment now, chances are it will be after Christmas.

I know that he can’t cope with stress very easily and that things that we would just cope with, he will react badly and I worry that I’m being insensitive and giving him a hard time for finding it difficult. There are triggers and I know what these are most of the time. The thing is that we are really tight as a four. He doesn’t go out drinking or gambling or anything like that and he’s really hands on with the kids and we do have some really lovely times so I worry that I’m selfish for feeling that at times it’s too much. I can honestly say that I have never felt more confused and like I don’t know my own mind as my opinions on what I feel from one day to the next can completely change. I feel like it’s me and that I’ve got something wrong with me because my feelings are everywhere. One day I can be fine and looking forward and the next, I can be planning my exit and then back again. I find it difficult to talk about my feelings because of this.

I could've written your post. I've been with my DH for over 20years and I can see you in me. I'm still with him but I'm now a much stronger person. I don't give a damn what he says or does anymore. It's as if a switch has gone on in me. I'm constantly being criticised for even looking at my phone, and he's always having a go in front of the children.
Circumstances are such that I can't leave at the moment, but I've recently met someone else who treats me like a princess and now I'm determined to try and get out, even if it takes a while. We don't deserve to be unhappy, we are strong women and we'll get through. Take care xx

@lovethesunshineways it’s so lovely to hear that you’ve become stronger and that you’ve found your happy path forward! Sending you lots of thanks and hugs 🤗 x

@Sooki6 you've got this, just be strong, don't let what he says upset you. My DH doesn't like it now that I ignore what he's saying or just tell him to shut up. I used to get upset but I don't anymore. Just feel sorry for him that he has to be like this. I hope you manage to do what is best for you and your family. Don't leave it like I have for 20 years, you deserve to be happy xx

An update
Over the weekend went away as it had been planned for a while. We had a lovely time on Friday and Saturday morning and then when we went into town he started sweating and whining because he couldn’t find a parking space (anxiety starts). Finding a parking space is a trigger. And then we go for lunch but I see a restaurant opposite that would be better than one we quickly chose (it’s just kfc instead of McDonald’s!) and he starts getting irritable. I realise that the order is talking a little while and I dare not look up but when I do he looks angry and starts pointing across the road repeatedly in an angry way and I feel guilty. On the way to the hotel he gets stressed about the direction he’s going and I feel anxious again. These are very day things. On the evening we went out for dinner and I was really quiet. I withdraw when he’s like that and that’s when he seems to be better. When I’m close and myself he seems to behave in the opposite way. He started crying when I told him I can’t cope anymore and he said he can’t control his anger and explained that he thinks he’s depressed. We had a conversation and I talked to him about his triggers and that he needs to become aware of what they are. I held some hope but if I’m honest, I don’t think he will change. It’s so tough because people are suggesting he’s abusive but I’ve always thought that an abuser was a calculated person who uses abuse to control. I don’t believe he’s calculated, I think he has a problem. But I don’t think that will ever really go away.

Swearing not sweating!!

Support him to go to GP and get some help.
Try to arrange counseling for you both individually.
At the same time, get your ducks in a row to leave.
After Christmas and counseling make your decision as to what is right for you.
At least you will know you gave it a go.
💐🍷

Does he treat his boss, friends, his family of origin like this?

No? Then it's calculated. He does this to you intentionally.