It’s never going to get better

[Sooki6]

I know that my life isn’t going to get any better but I’m not strong enough to go. I have two beautiful children with my partner of over ten years and for years I’ve lived on an emotion rollercoaster depending on his moods and I’m getting exhausted from it but as soon as I feel I can’t take it anymore, he’s nice again and all it’s hard to think that I ever wanted to go. Last night was another reminder of why I feel bad. We had to sort out a credit card transfer. He asked for my help because I know how these things work and I knew what was coming. He started getting stressed, swearing and huffing and puffing whilst I tried to calm him- I spend my life pitter pattering around when he gets stressed, trying to calm him and hush the kids if they’re too noisy. The feeling of anxiety makes my chest tight. I even take beta blockers and was prescribed them purely to calm the anxiety I feel when he started to become stressed. As I was on the phone trying to sort the credit card, he got cross with me because I was pacing the room and quietly rolling the dogs ball around below my feet. He didn’t like that I was doing that. If I tried to help him to read out the numbers on his card so that he could type them, he’d ignore me and make a point of reading them himself making it obvious that he doesn’t trust me to get that right. He is my biggest critic. I’ve been screamed at for dropping a glass, been told that it efforts are “piss poor” because I failed to inform him of a simple plan, I’ve been told that my job isn’t as stressful as his and because he earns more, his is more important (I work in the public sector). If I make a mistake, I’m too scared to tell him. If I want to talk to him about something important, he will often walk away from me. But you would never know because it doesn’t look like this to anyone else and that’s what makes it trickier. And then when things are good, I wonder why I ever felt like this.

You’re making this about him and it’s not. You’ve been on this merry go around to know that this is just who he is. He’s smart enough to mix his behaviour up just enough to keep you around.

Your children’s primary relationship role model is your relationship with their father. Is this the type of partner you want for them? Do you want them medicating themselves in order to stay in a relationship that breaks their spirit?

You need solo counselling to understand why you have so little respect for yourself that pandering to this man baby is your default position.

PicsInRed is right- he's choosing to act like this in front of you, he doesn't in front of others. At the very least, it's a kind of taking you for granted, thinking he can act however he wants around you, whereas he'd behave reasonably around others.

My dad was like this, and my sister and I have both been left with anxiety disorders, partly because we couldn't relax at home, we were walking on eggshells at all times. We also didn't get the amount of emotional support we needed at home, because the whole home setup revolved around my dad and placating his emotions. As soon as they split up (which unfortunately wasn't until I was about 17) our mum could finally show us the loving, caring person she is, rather than the cold person she'd seemed.

Your children will be feeling the same anxiety around him and his moods. You know how it's effecting you- for them it's happening to a brain that's still developing. Please leave for the sake of their future mental health.

I think you feel he cant help it so thats why you dont think of him as an abuser, but surely we all know that behaving in a certain way affects other people. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and so must he. This walking on eggshells all the time must be so tiring for you. How do your children feel and react to him?

Would you be able to make a plan to leave?

You know those poor people who were in the volcano this morning? The volcano didn't mean any harm. It was still right for the people to get away asap though.

Our daughter is quite cheeky for him to be honest but for most of the time she’s defending herself. Like this morning he asked her what she wanted in her toast and she wasn't sure but eventually replied with ‘jam’ but he didn’t hear her and he screamed at her. She shouted back defending that she had told him. We talked and she gets upset with his temper. I’m not saying I’ve never told them off because I really have!! I’ve screamed at them a few times myself but not over something like that. The outbursts aren’t measured. He can also be a lovely dad though who absolutely puts his kids first.
It’s all extremely confusing and upsetting and I feel so so lost.

I don't know if it's going to get better for you. Iv been waiting for my dh to get 'better' for 21 years. He's got so much worse the last couple of years.
Angry and irritated all the time. I look at him now and hate him although I feel sorry for him too. He won't leave so I'm stuck with him for now.
He's made my life hell this past year.
He's fuming at the moment because the kids have eaten all the chocolate. It's depressing.
Don't be surprised if he gets worse.
Iv realised iv actually got used to it but through councilling my eyes have now opened to what is going on.

How did he apologise to DD for his mistaken outburst? Did she feel she had to forgive immediately?

He didn’t apologise and he’s since told me on the phone this evening that she basically deserved it

Still think he's a lovely dad who puts his kids first?

@mrsjackrussell I don't think it does get better either. My DH is lovely to everyone else, can't do enough for anyone, apart from me. I've lived with the grumpiness and constant nagging and putting down for years. He also puts me down in front of the children.

@Sooki6 really think about your situation, don't end up like me stuck in a relationship that you don't want to be in but with no way out. There is someone out there that will treat you like a queen, don't waste time with someone who doesn't. Hold your head up high and don't let him see it upsetting you, I'm not bothered by it now as I've emotionally detached myself from him and he really doesn't like it 🤪

Sounds exactly like my ex. Thought I was stuck with him for various reasons and was willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the stability of our DC (one with ASD). Finally left him a year ago and still can't believe what I put up with.

He has ASD himself and is textbook pathological demand avoidant, everything caused him stress and anxiety. While he couldnt help his (ridiculous over) reaction to things which doesnt make it ok, I also couldnt help my own reaction to him. He would complain that id become cold and distant towards him, but that was the only way to get through day to day life. The constant criticism over really inane every day things, and waiting for explosions involving shouting and swearing and banging things around is so draining.

Fast forward a year, live in a lovely calm house, my relationship with the DC is so much better as not constantly on guard and am now with an amazing man who is the polar opposite to the ex. Still cant get over how different everything is.

Its not easy to split, but considerably easier than the thought of another week/month/year living on edge. Good luck.

OP, most (not all; most) abusers are not strategic; they are tactical. It's just that their behaviours follow an entirely predictable pattern because they react in an entirely predictable way: like a scared, belligerent child.

Your husband/partner has no grand plan. He has no plan, full stop. No plan to sort himself out, no plan to change. Just react, react, react.

The sooner you leave him, the better. The prognosis in the case of abusive men is bleak.

Just to say, this all sounds so familiar. Good luck OP.

Urgh...

I'm in a similar situation to @lovethesunshineways and @mrsjackrussell and my advice would be to make plans to go. I too left it (20 years) too long and now know it's going to be 10 x harder.

But I've had counselling, and I now have my family behind me.

It doesn't half creep up on you. The Boiling Frog analogy is often used in these situations.

Oh @Sooki6 this is very familiar to me. I would describe my dh as a right fanny (sorry!) because he gets anxious about things like parking, and applying for credit cards online EXACTLY as you described, he can't even book a train ticket without throwing a strop about passwords etc... anyway, I just wanted to say I know how you feel. It makes my heart crumple in my chest, and all my energy drains away. It's really hard work x

@Bearski77 do you feel like your situation is abusive? Do you think you’ll leave?

@sooki6 No I don't feel it's abusive, I think it's just how he is and totally unintentional, but it's really tiring and draining. If I could guarantee everyone (including him) would be ok, I'd leave straight away. Well, this is the problem, I want to stay here with the kids, it's their house, so I'd want him to go. But I just feel like I can't make him do that, so I'm stuck.

@Bearski77 you’re only as stuck as you’ll allow yourself to be. Fast forward some decades and you’re on your death bed. What would you say to yourself? I know I sound like a total hypocrite but this is how I’m having to start to think. You sound further along the road to leaving than me and you say you can’t ask him to leave- why? I’d have no problem in my OH leaving, it’s not that for me. He’s be fine and I would be fine alone. If that’s the only thing stopping you, why? Again, I know I sound really hypocritical and I apologise but you seem to have one reason not to split and it’s because you don’t think it’s fair to ask him to go. I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve given your years to him and had his children and that he hasn’t tried to understand you and make you happy. 💐

Try fast forwarding to the point at which he needs care. And you are the carer.
That could be closer than you think.

He's not depressed. If he was depressed, he'd treat everyone like this. He's nice to his colleagues, parents and the kids right? It's just you that gets his shit - that's not depression, it's abuse

Thank you for the flowers @Sooki6 x Yeah, my friends and family (who all know I'm unhappy) tell me to look ahead five or ten years and think about how I'd feel. I really can't see anything but regretting time wasted. I know it's important to find your own happiness, I know that, but it's easier said than done x