Please help me to pick my sorry ass up off the floor

[Minionmomma]

I thought I was doing ok but in the last few days I’ve been floored by my emotions.

DH (together 17 years, married for 5, 2 young dc) moved out of the family home around 6 weeks ago after we separated in August. He lost a parent earlier this year and I think he’s now having a mid life crisis. A guy who’d never taken an interest in his looks, had been wearing the same t shirts for the ten years, suddenly started taking a huge interest in his personal appearance. Exercising daily, dropped 2-3 stones, started (secretly) paying for expensive hair cuts, skin cleansers, moisturiser, Clinique anti aging fucking eye cream, £24 deodorants, went to the docs (again secretly) to get medication for acne which he’s always had a very minor issue with. His attitude towards me changed - irritable, indifferent... he became work obsessed, staying late at work then working at home of an evening into the early hours, plus weekends.

I reached a point where I said I couldn’t take it anymore after a number of weeks in which his behaviour became intolerable to me - he forgot to collect our child from school, forgot our wedding anniversary after 3 reminders from me, refused to help take time off work when one of our children was ill. We both work full time but he sees his job as more important than mine. When I said I couldn’t do this anymore he paused briefly and replied “ok”. Since then he hasn’t looked back. In fact, at times it seemed like there was a bounce in his step.

Ticking a lot of the boxes for signs of an affair, I know...

He’s being good with the kids and with finances and it’s a relief that he’s gone in many respects. I thought I was doing ok but I’ve found myself in recent days trying to make sense of things. I can’t help but think there IS someone else and I feel so heartbroken. I keep being snippy with him. Today I stooped low. I screenshotted a load of my Instagram feed basically containing pictures of our beautiful children, our pets, our home and sent them to him with a looong message basically saying that I think his midlife crisis is pathetic. I’m really angry because he’s gone away with work for nearly two weeks to the other side of the world. He gave me three weeks notice of this and didn’t bat an eyelid. I was furious.

He’s a very very selfish individual and I know I deserve better but this feeling or rejection is horrible. He has just dropped me out of his life. I invested so much in our family and home and he’s just walked away.

I feel for you. I’m in a similar boat. He’s totally disinterested. Missing meals to lose weight. Doing exercise and all the jazz. Talking to me like I’m nothing...it’s like a long marriage itch. Makes me so sad. He’s got zero interest in me sexually anymore. It’s crap. Wish I’d never met him and wasted my life on somebody who can treat me so crappily. My only advice to you is fill your time. Surround yourself with family and friends. Start dating. Give yourself a boost where you can, wherever you can get it.

@fit4more I’m sorry you’re experiencing similar. It really is crap. Would you consider couples counselling? We did a year and in the end it didn’t save us but at least I know we tried...

Yes exercise helps abs I have some amazing friends. I actually get more time for me now than I ever did before because he has the kids overnight.

I did download a couple of dating apps but i felt guilty chatting to other men because of my husband, believe it or not! Even though he clearly gives zero fucks about me. I was worried also that people would judge me. My sister and a friend said it was too soon to be doing anything like that...

I think you should go for it! Go dating and enjoy. Get some attention. Yes we tried counselling and it helped for a bit but the same issues come back up eventually. I’m just now living my own life and assuming he’s just somebody I happen to live with. I try not to think about or concern myself with him. It’s the only way to do it. I have as little to do with him as possible

Join the club! There are a few of us on here in exactly the same position. Long relationships and husbands who choose to run away rather than face up to reality. It is horrible but all you can do is keep your dignity and look after yourself.

I’ve got a morrissey lyric on loop in my head...
‘Rejection is one thing but rejection from a fool is cruel’
I was a fool for spending my best years with him. He’s cold and his ego... My god.

Gosh, these guys sound like my DH , who is currently staying in a different bedroom.
All the weight loss, grooming and buying too young clothes for himself.Turns out he wa trying to see if he attractive to other people .On dating apps , including gay sites.
And I was just sniggering to myself and feeling superior.
What a bunch of immature pathetic losers.

I keep hoping that one day he’s going to regret this. Who walks away from a beautiful family and home so easily? However I’ve just got this awful feeling that he’s going to go on and live his best life and not look back. Any anyway what’s hoping he’ll regret things going to do for me but just leave me hoping and waiting...

He’s clearly trying to impress someone. None of our friends or family can understand his behaviour. He’s trying to blame me and play the victim and completely refuses to communicate with me unless it’s about the kids. It’s ever since he started his new job a few years ago and he’s treated me like shit.

I seriously need to pick myself up.

I'm so sorry to hear this, I know it's little comfort but console yourself in the fact that it's him not you. He chose to throw his family away, he chose to be selfish and there was nothing you could have done to change it.

I'm still grieving from the complete change from my husband, (ex) he left for another woman and was coming around to care for dd I'm brand new clothing, shoes etc to impress the other woman while me and daughter were struggling and trying to keep a roof over our head.

Allow yourself time to grieve, and you will get over this in time, no doubt he regrets it but won't allow himself to feel the guilt. My husband became a bully overnight and the acting superior is because he knows he is nothing of the sort.

He doesn’t care what you think He’s basically a whole other person. You can grieve for that of course. It is sad

But you can’t do anything to change it. So focus on you. Things that make you happy. Creating a whole new little family with you and the DC

Read the chump lady website.

Lawyer up.

You got this. In 6 months I bet your life will be amazing. Different but amazing. Wishing you all the best

Read Chump Lady website. Stop playing the Pick Me dance & take yourself off the table. Sending pics of the children is a bad way to inspire guilt, you wouldn’t want someone to stay just for the kids. He is straight up either had affair or someone else on the scene with his improved self care regime. They are always so textbook... I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s possible to take your power back! Seriously read Chump Lady she will help give you a good boot up the bum & likely even Lol a little :)

Sorry op sounds ow to me.
Seen it a millions times on here.

.
To be fair there is nothing wrong with him trying to improve himself.

In a long relationship it is so easy to get wrapped up in the kids. And husband can feel forgotten. It's a tough balancing act.

You need , for your own health and well being to do the same for yourself.
Do you feel good about yourself?
Do you make time for exercise ?
Eat a healthy diet ?
Treat yourself?
Dress well and stimulate your mind?

You too deserve to be happy.
Happiness comes from within but you need ti be good to yourself.

Anger and resentment do not make a good marriage.

Start looking after yourself and when he sees you being happy it will remember the woman he married.

Either way by then you will be happier and can choose how to respond.

My sister said that - that he no longer cares. It’s almost as though he’s tried to erase me. Why would a person do that? What a strange thing to do to someone you’ve shared 17 years with.

I’m so sorry for all the people who have been treated like this. It seems so unfair.

Yes I will Lawyer up. He inherited some money after his parent died. He’s told me that in no uncertain terms that money is ‘off limits’ and he’s opened up a bank account and I think transferred the money. He’s done this all in secret but what he doesn’t realise is that one of his email accounts is linked to ours child’s device. I can see all the emails confirming orders of all his expensive face creams too, along with emails for this bank account. Initially I was willing to just split our home 50/50%. He’s trying to claim that he does 50/50 parenting yet fucks off on a work trip for two weeks. He does nothing to help out with the pets.

Sadly he is following the script and has Checked out.

Many women do this too.

If you want answers you need ti be having a calm and open conversation.

He's not happy

His work will involved ow I would imagine.

Sometimes people fall out of love. That’s ok. What isn’t ok is him not seeing the kids and hiding money. You’ve got nothing to lose so start legal proceedings.

As others have said this is completely typical. The thing to keep in mind is that he is no longer on your side. Dont assume he will play fair on the financial side. And if it wants 50/50 id say sure, let him try it, refuse to he his childcare on his time and see how long it lasts. Yes people are allowed to fall out of love, but a decrnt person realises somerying is changing, makes pro-active efforts to fix tje relationship, with the other person knowing whats going on. They dont blindside with a fait accomplis and then get all huffy when the abandoned spouse doesnt facilitate their great new life.

Exactly. Who treats a person this way? What a selfish egotistical prick he is. I’m the one here trying to deal with our children, get them to school, the dog walked and then be at work for 9am whilst he’s off in the sunshine on a two week ‘conference’.

I am guessing hes somewhere round the 40 mark? Classic time for "his" mid life crisis! However as others have said this has to be about you now .You have to look to your future really.Often when you are going through separation, and eventually a Divorce then he will see what hes lost and often too late! Many men who seem unable to be part of a family and need attention ,will often feel "second place " to their children which is absolutely ridiculous ! Sending pictures to him is probably not going to help you in the long run ,because hes probably not going to care as it seems likely he has OW ! When he sees that he still has a family to provide for ,he may see what hes lost .Or otherwise become one of these tiresome men, who complain bitterly about their ex wife. As though they were some blameless victim instead of an idiot who cant keep it in !

Hi OP. Not much further to add as you have lots of good advice above. Just wanted to say I am sorry you are dealing with this shit. Stay strong.

Trade him in for tax credits op. Life will be better.

He sounds like a complete arse op. Just remember your children will know who was there for them, who cared for them and was a constant presence and who fucked off on work conferences...

He’s got his head completely up his own arse OP. He’s so wrapped up in himself he can’t see the damage he’s done to his own family! He’s going to get a shock when he’s got to disclose all his financial paperwork and his solicitor tells him you’re legally entitled to half of everything! He will have to pay maintenance to you also! I am sure you would love to by a fly on the wall when that little nugget of information is dropped! Don’t worry OP he’ll get what’s coming to him!

Mine (despite being now married to the ow so presumably living the dream) continues to be antagonistic and hostile to me. Hes rewritten the narrative in the predictable way that he was desperately unhappy, i was controlling, apparently therefore his proposal and two planned kids were somehow done at gunpoint 🙄. Several years on he is far more entangled with it all than i am. I have a job, a house, a relationship, the kids 26/30 days (his choice) but he still thinks he was somehow shafted. OP, get good legal advice, copy as much financial info as you can and get as much real life support also. This is HIS shame, not yours.

It's so sad to see all these failed marriages where the men just skip off and find a new playmate. Nice clothes, time to visit the gym and "work" holidays probably with the OW in tow..! My advice is to pull up those big girl pants and get yourself and sh*t hot lawyer as soon as possible. It's quite telling he's already hiding money which is off limits. Get tough sharpish and go no contact unless absolutely necessary regarding the kids.

Minionmomma

I feel compelled to post as I separated and eventually divorced under very similar circumstances a few years ago. My DCs were 5 and 3 then and I was in a rather lowly paid PT job with very room for progression. I could not eat for the first two months and I lost a lot of weight. Sod's law, the only time in my life. I also suspected a OW but couldn't find any evidence (exH moved out, he's been unhappy in our marriage for a while, started going to the gym blah blah blah). But I eventually found out he had met OW on a ski trip just before he moved out. Whether anything happened between them before we split doesn't matter IMO as it wouldn't have changed the outcome IYKWIM and they moved in 6 months later. Now married and has a baby.

But I want to tell you your life WILL get better. There is no point trying to guilt them into coming back, it doesn't work. Even if it does, most of them will leave eventually.

I am now divorced. I have a beautiful house I bought with my divorce settlement, I got 65% so fight for what you deserve (I am in London so still have a mortgage but it's my own!) and through therapy I have realised that is one of the things that has made me happiest in the last couple of years. Not the house itself but the fact it is mine, it gives me security and it's homely. I did not feel that way with my marital home though it was worth double the money and technically more beautiful...

My DCs are now almost 12 and 10 and they are thriving. They are happy and empathetic children. My exH has them once every week and every other weekend, which gives me MORE freedom than a lot of my other married friends. I have a fabulous life. I have made many new girlfriends (some single, some not) and also with my mummy and old pre-kids friends, I have a social life that is the envy of many.

I have a great job now. It took a while but I now work for a great company with lots of benefits. I have an au pair who is a great friend to both me and my kids. In fact, I went for a massage last night he bought me as a birthday present.

I have dated and had relaitonships over the years and currently single with a younger man as a great FWB and having the best sex of my life. I seriously cannot wish for a better life. My exH, on the other hand, married the OW and now is in the throes of the baby years ago and effectively signed up for another 10 years of active parenting. Funny that as he complained our marriage was dull and boring after we had kids... He was adament after we split he would never have another...

Looking back, I would NOT wish that first two years post-separation on anyone, it was definitely the worst two years of my life but it has made me so much stronger and more determined to make sure my DCs and I live the best life. I was literally sleepwalking in my marriage in the last couple of years. PM me if you need to talk. You will get through this and be stronger for it. Lots of hugs!

@TwoBoysTooMany76 what a lovely positive outcome you've had! Good for you, all is not lost. I'm amused your ex decided to start all over .. must kill him seeing you thriving and living life ☺️ bloody good for you!