Please help me to pick my sorry ass up off the floor

[Minionmomma]

I thought I was doing ok but in the last few days I’ve been floored by my emotions.

DH (together 17 years, married for 5, 2 young dc) moved out of the family home around 6 weeks ago after we separated in August. He lost a parent earlier this year and I think he’s now having a mid life crisis. A guy who’d never taken an interest in his looks, had been wearing the same t shirts for the ten years, suddenly started taking a huge interest in his personal appearance. Exercising daily, dropped 2-3 stones, started (secretly) paying for expensive hair cuts, skin cleansers, moisturiser, Clinique anti aging fucking eye cream, £24 deodorants, went to the docs (again secretly) to get medication for acne which he’s always had a very minor issue with. His attitude towards me changed - irritable, indifferent... he became work obsessed, staying late at work then working at home of an evening into the early hours, plus weekends.

I reached a point where I said I couldn’t take it anymore after a number of weeks in which his behaviour became intolerable to me - he forgot to collect our child from school, forgot our wedding anniversary after 3 reminders from me, refused to help take time off work when one of our children was ill. We both work full time but he sees his job as more important than mine. When I said I couldn’t do this anymore he paused briefly and replied “ok”. Since then he hasn’t looked back. In fact, at times it seemed like there was a bounce in his step.

Ticking a lot of the boxes for signs of an affair, I know...

He’s being good with the kids and with finances and it’s a relief that he’s gone in many respects. I thought I was doing ok but I’ve found myself in recent days trying to make sense of things. I can’t help but think there IS someone else and I feel so heartbroken. I keep being snippy with him. Today I stooped low. I screenshotted a load of my Instagram feed basically containing pictures of our beautiful children, our pets, our home and sent them to him with a looong message basically saying that I think his midlife crisis is pathetic. I’m really angry because he’s gone away with work for nearly two weeks to the other side of the world. He gave me three weeks notice of this and didn’t bat an eyelid. I was furious.

He’s a very very selfish individual and I know I deserve better but this feeling or rejection is horrible. He has just dropped me out of his life. I invested so much in our family and home and he’s just walked away.

I'm sorry I'm saying this but his bereavement probably triggered this.
Your husband may have emotionally opted out a good while ago, before the death in the family.
He wanted to be the family man in his parents eyes, to do the right thing and to be a ' good ' son.
Now his parent has died, he feels he has been released and can show his real him , basically a bastard.
He is now trying to make himself attractive for someone else or has someone else.
He was never the man you thought he was.

@dottydolly72 Ha ha, yes. But in some ways, I don't really care what he thinks or what happens to him. He has made his choices and he will live with them. He could well be 100% happy. But I have realised I can't control that and I won't have my feelings influenced by someone who has chosen to opt out of our family. I can only control my feelings and what happens in my life and I'm determined to live my best life for myself. Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad sometimes I have no one to share my life with BUT I also know how difficult a long term relationship can be and how much unhappiness it can bring. And until I meet someone worthy, I am just not willing to compromise my standards.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I have taken my DCs to a fab far flung holiday in SE Asia and Australia and gone on two holidays by myself in Europe, having the best time making new friends etc. And next year, planning more lovely holidays... with and without DCs. I have gone to many gigs and fun events this year. It's been a great year and I am so happy and grateful for what I have since we split. It was a real wake up call for me and I will forever be grateful it happened to me when I was still young, the DCs are still young and we all had the best chance to recover from this.

Came in to say that although it may not feel like it now, in a few years time you might see this, as pp have said, as a good thing.
He is showing you who he is now and objectively would you choose that person to marry?
It does sound a bit like he has found someone else-and that will be very hurtful to you-even worse is the not knowing for sure. But again, he will no doubt find as countless others have before him that the grass isn't often greener-it's at a minimum the same problems a few years down the line, and often times worse than the relationship they have left.

My own exh is a case in point. Despite on paper having everything he wants now, he is still hostile and bitchy-he has spent the morning this morning for example trying to derail a weekend away I am going on later with the DC as much as he possibly can...so you wonder why-when he has what he wants-and the answer is probably that he isn't that happy in his own life. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what ends up happening in your situation.
It's a cliche but one because it's true-the best revenge is to live well and be happy -nothing fucks these people off more.

So sorry OP. Your much loved DH has turned into a world class wanker quivering timorously at the thought of his own death. He is, for the foreseeable future, a dangerous enemy who will try to deprive you and your children of your financial rights. Take him for every penny you can.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 I absolutely love your outlook on this! So much better to focus on the positives. Personally I'd never go near another man but you give me hope! It's such a devastating thing to happen and often the mother is left high and dry with little hope for the future. Your out the other side and having a ball. OP this woman is living proof things can be turned around 🙌

Ladies thank you so much for your support. It is so reassuring to know that there is still a chance of happiness. Good for you for striving for that and for rising above. I really want to be able to move past my anger. I don’t want to spend my years hoping he’ll regret what he’s done.

Yes he’s early 40s. It’s such a fucking cliché, the whole thing. I keep thinking if the film American Beauty. He supervises PhD students. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to appeal to one of them, hence the anti aging eye cream. It’s laughable. But it’s so hurtful.

My plan now is to go zero contact unless it’s child related. Not that he’ll care of course. I’ve contacted a counsellor and I’m going to increase my exercise.

Thank you all so so much. Xx

Just caught you update.
You go girl.
You are a strong woman.
Keep focusing on all the good you do have in your life.
You've got this.

I know what you mean op, the line, "He is just going to go and live his best life," really resonates with me as it's an injustice I feel. They walk away wreaking devastation and seem to move on and get their lives intact.

One thing I don't understand and I'm surprised to see other people say the same is why after they have behaved so appallingly (cheating/lying etc) do they then go onto be hostile and nasty with us continously afterwards?

@Ididit2019 one word - guilt. They project it onto us.

But with guilt there would be some remorse/sadness/tears? Not just disdain and coldness?

@Ididit2019 I think that when a person continues to treat you with coldness or disdain when they have no reason to, after they treated you badly, it can be a sign that they feel guilty but they are dealing with the guilt badly. Instead of recognising that they feel guilty because they did something wrong, they try to convince themselves that their behaviour was in some way justified and in doing so they continue to treat you with contempt. It’s emotional immaturity in my view.

@Minionmomma you are exactly right. Emotional immaturity runs through these stories. And guilt but an inability to face it and be honest about it, perhaps by saying ‘sorry’.