How to positively interact with family members you hate

[LeoAugust13]

I have a party coming up and I’m dreading seeing certain people - my sister in-law and Aunty-in-laws. SIL will say things which I don’t realise at the time are taking the piss out of me but later on I realise when I think about it! It’s very subtle things but being married for 10 years I understand her ways now.

The Aunty-in-law just smirks at me and tries to get me into embarrassing situations, she knows I’m shy so she will try to embarrass me. She often says really nasty things to my face and husband just sits there not defending me! So I’m past trying to get him to do anything.

Once or twice in the 10 years of being “picked on” I have flipped and gone crazy at them both, bear in mind there have been hundreds of occasions when I’ve stayed quiet and just taken their crap.

I don’t want to ruin this party I’m hosting and don’t want to keep getting upset over things these two nasty people will do. Any tips on how to deal with them? Maybe any comebacks - they usually make nasty remarks about my outfits, makeup and recently my kids.

Why have you invited them if you're the host and you hate them?

Uninvite then. Inviting them at all was just inviting trouble.

I think it helps to change your mindset about it. People who make snide remarks and try to make you feel bad about yourself, aren't very happy themselves. Who goes to someone's house and sniggers at their host all night? Even better if you kick off as it shows they got to you.

I would be polite and ignore their remarks. Brush it off. 'Like the dress.' Titter, titter. 'How nice of you to notice, thanks.' Disengage and keep your distance but be polite. Ask your partner to keep them entertained and away from you and don't get trapped with them. If you're in the kitchen for example, then be sidling out the door when you see them approach.

Learn some neutral, assertive phrases that show you're not playing their game:

I'm sure you think that.
I see.
I understand.
Really?
I disagree.
I don't accept your definition of me.
That topic is off-limits.
I'm not prepared to have this conversation.

Practise saying them out loud until they feel natural.

Sure there are loads more i can't think of but basically you keep yourself from getting drawn into a position where you have to start defending yourself or attacking them back.

I find getting them to repeat the insult word very well
Ask “ what was that” and if they do repeat it say “so you think xyz , I see”
Or “ did you just say XYZ? Really?”
Takes some balls but never fails to make people squirm
Best thing would be not to invite them at all though

I wish I knew 😔

Stand up for yourself and stop being a door mat. They're bullies and they really won't like you standing up to them, bet they shit themselves.

I have some quite serious difficulties with my sister.

I have used Grey Rock Technique before but it isnt foolproof and regularly makes her try harder to be upsetting.

I always kind of say to myself : its 2 hours, it'll pass.

But also, I Do Not see her unless I absolutely have to.

So I've seen her something like 4 times since 2015

You're hosting? So why have you invited them?

You should not have invited them.

How do you feel about uninviting them?

Assuming you are too scared to do that, you can completely 100% ignore them. Tell DH his job is to keep them the hell away from you. Tell him you just know you will flip out and eject them from the building if they dare be dicks to you in your own home. Make him proper scared of a scene so he keeps them away.

Do not use any clever comebacks at all. Look at the person. Say nothing. Continue saying nothing. Continue looking at them. Until they crack.

If you must speak "What an odd thing to say." Then proceed to silence and staring.

Don't underestimate the power of raising an eyebrow, saying "riiight" or "um hm" then simply turning round and walking off or turning to another person pointedly and starting a change of topic nice and lightly. "Okaaaay." "How's the new puppy Mavis?"

No, you don't need comebacks; you need a sigh, a raised eyebrow and 'have you tried the dip?'

Thanks for the replies! I wasn’t expecting so many responses already so brilliant!

In terms of not inviting them that is the worst thing I could do as it’s not fair in my husband not to have his close family there. I feel it will be very immature and damaging if I don’t invite them and totally unfair on my husband. I wouldn’t like it if he invited his family and disinvited spoke he doesn’t get along with from my family!

Sorry typos - I mean I wouldn’t like it if he didn’t invite people he disliked in my family. Family gatherings in my opinion should be all the family or not invite anyone.

I have bonkers family members. They don't get invited. If they behaved properly they would be invited. But they don't so they aren't. I would not subject DH to their nonsense. Time to put a rocket up your DH for not standing up for you.

@LeoAugust13 I'm guessing tho that the difference would be - you wouldn't sit there passively and let a member of your family speak to your DH like shit.

Which is what your DH does.

Maybe I'd accept that for myself but they've started making nasty comments about your kids... his kids... and he just sits there and let's you and his kids take it

I'd tell him because of that, he gets to tell his family members they're not invited.

If they start tell them to leave your house.

Disgraceful. Tell your dh he can bugger off with them too

The few times I've had to deal with twatty family members (I've gone no contact with many now), my response was always to smirk and say 'how nice' ie fuck off, mrs brown style, and walk away.

'That's nice' even.

I think where you are going wrong is not saying anything, seething, then exploding at them. They are rude, ignorant, nasty - you have no good reason to care what they think!

Try to find a way to put up a glass wall between you and them. their comments cant affect you, they are water off a ducks back. In one ear, out the other.
Just nod and say ''umm hmm, okay then'', and walk off.

Thanks everyone! I know DH does need to grow some balls but to be fair I knew what he was like before I married him.

What’s really playing on my mind is my mum keeps reminding me of one incident where I lost it with my SIL and keeps telling me not to embarrass our side of the family again! It keeps playing on my mind What she’s saying. I can never get my mum to see my point. Even thou she agrees SIL started that incident she still accused me of escalating it. I suppose I could have stayed silent but it’s really hard. I’m the youngest out of my siblings and husbands siblings but I’m still bloody expected to be the more mature one! Sorry going off tangent but I wish I had a supportive mum. I just need support when it comes to these situations. Thank you mumsnetters for your support! I might even log into here on the party if things get annoying!!

You need to learn to zip it or avoid them altogether. Getting upset just gives them what they want: a reaction, so best to remain as inert as possible in their company. You also have to stop people pleasing: why should you invite people to things who deliberately set out to antagonise you? Stand up for yourself.

Plus tell your mum to back off as well. For example: “Ok mum you’ve said your piece that’s enough”.

Honestly OP none of these people are fundamentally more important than you - why should they get to boss your around and make you feel bad?

My mum sounds like yours - even though she knows my sister is a complete bully to me she'll tell me to behave before seeing her, because heaven forbid the poor princess is upset!

I ignore her as much as possible. Questions (of which there are many) get one word answers. Bitchy comments get a 'That's nice' before I turn away from her. She still gets upset at how I treat her but at least there's not much my mother can complain to me about.

I think you have form for allowing yourself to stay silent for both sides of the family. Time to speak your mind.

I can't stand my sister in law. She's a complete nutcase. I've limited contact to a couple of times a year, when family things make it unavoidable. And when she starts saying mean shit (usually about my appearance/lack of make-up, weight etc) I look at her silently for long enough to make her uncomfortable then do a little smirk and walk away.
It's not foolproof but it's worth a try.