How to positively interact with family members you hate

[LeoAugust13]

I have a party coming up and I’m dreading seeing certain people - my sister in-law and Aunty-in-laws. SIL will say things which I don’t realise at the time are taking the piss out of me but later on I realise when I think about it! It’s very subtle things but being married for 10 years I understand her ways now.

The Aunty-in-law just smirks at me and tries to get me into embarrassing situations, she knows I’m shy so she will try to embarrass me. She often says really nasty things to my face and husband just sits there not defending me! So I’m past trying to get him to do anything.

Once or twice in the 10 years of being “picked on” I have flipped and gone crazy at them both, bear in mind there have been hundreds of occasions when I’ve stayed quiet and just taken their crap.

I don’t want to ruin this party I’m hosting and don’t want to keep getting upset over things these two nasty people will do. Any tips on how to deal with them? Maybe any comebacks - they usually make nasty remarks about my outfits, makeup and recently my kids.

"Thanks everyone! I know DH does need to grow some balls but to be fair I knew what he was like before I married him".

He in particular as well as your own good self seem mired in fear, obligation and guilt. He is also afraid of his mother and in all likelihood still wants her approval (this is also one of many reasons why he is not defending you to other family members. He cannot because the conditioning of him runs that bloody deep). His inertia too when it comes to his family of origin hurts him as well as you. He is key here and he needs to break this cycle of appeasement and people pleasing type behaviours as well. You also need to address any and all people pleasing behaviours through counselling.

They are expecting pithy responses from you. The rule book of familial relations really does go out the window when it comes to emotionally unhealthy and otherwise dysfunctional families like your husband's.

They've already started on your children and it is down to the two of you as their parents to protect them from such malign influences. It also does them no favours for them to see the two of you as their parents get so denigrated by his family members.

This is so hard and I totally get where you're coming from. I had inlaws who were insensitive / unintentionally rude (so not like yours) but it hurt that my exh never defended me. Luckily they're ex now! I tried a combination of grey rock, ignoring them to focus on dc and lots of time on my own in the kitchen.

I suppose you could do a live update thread here? Might help you let off steam and see a funny side to the situation?

Lose it at your mum too. Learn to love being the difficult one who others do not mess with.

I’ve always wanted to mutter “not this shit again” but have never had the nerve to.

Another one for 'uninvite them'. As someone who finally got the courage (lots of therapy) to disengage from my toxic family I never have to deal with these sorts anymore. Their behaviour is a form of bullying and you really shouldn't have to come up with stragies to cope with them. Life is too short to pacify dick heads!

If they behave like children then treat them like children and don't invite them. If they ask why tell them you are sick of their shit. Don't be nice. Make a stand.

DONT INVITE THEM!!!! In my opinion not inviting them is the MATURE adult response

I just avoid and if I can't I just ignore them. Or you could say I know you dislike me but can we just be civil and enjoy ourselves.

Update - SIL was acting like a spoilt brat. I welcomed her really nicely and she was really cold to me and didn’t even attempt to talk. I was a little upset but didn’t let it show and just enjoyed my LO birthday. I really wish People could just get over themselves and try to be learnt for the few hours.

*pleasant not learnt - autocorrect

Did anyone else notice her behaviour and comment? I would call her on it and let her know that this was her last chance.

Interesting is your best word for this situation
How very interesting
Interesting
Oh I see you’re being your interesting self again
Use over and over and they will pick a new mark

Simple. I don't. I'm NC with toxic family members who made my life hell.

It sounds as though your relationship with your sil can never be mended and I expect her coldness towards you is a sign that she dislikes you as much as you dislike her. It was probably for the best that she made no effort to talk as you two just don't get on. It happens in most families - some family members not being able to stand each other - so low contact is the best way to go. Try to forget about it as far as you can and concentrate on the relationships you have which do make you happy.

It sounds like the problem is all them!

I’ve got horrible ILs. Like you didn’t realise for such a long time now realize all those comments were as rude as I imagined.

The worst thing is feeling put down. So do whatever it takes not to feel like this

I’m a warm friendly person, very very polite too. Took me ages to learn to NOT EVEN SAY HELLO.

Do this. I’ve done it for the last 3 years. I just ignore. If I can’t ignore I don’t say a thing. Just look. If they don’t say hello I turn away. Job done.