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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Its been 1.5 years - would you meet up with him again?

45 replies

Leapoffaith00 · 28/11/2019 11:04

I met someone a few years ago. After being single for many years and never finding mutual connection - he came along. As soon as I met him it was instant. I couldn't wait to see him again. Hear from him. The feeling was mutual. It only took me 7 years of single life and internet dating to finally find it. I was so happy! We dated a few months and he then met my dd's. We both had busy lives (I was training to be a nurse and working - he had 2 jobs to buy his first house after divorce) so it wasn't always easy. Anyway....I found him messaging another woman on my birthday. To me, it felt like cheating. He said he gets lonely as Im busy. He said they had met up one night when we had a little argument. He had been chatting to her since, so about 3 months. He said he hadn't met her since that one time, just chatting. He then said the other women wasn't happy as he was with me. I explained, well of course you are, its my birthday and we are a couple?! He then said he was stupid. I told him to leave. My birthday celebrations were awful. I cried lots over the next few days. I struggled to study but held it together as we do. I waited for him to call, say sorry, ask to see me. He didn't. I knew it was for the best but just wanted him to so much. I thought about him every day for months.
Out of the blue he messaged a few months later, apologising. My tummy turned. Its what I wanted but I didn't also. We chatted for a bit and were going to meet up but he mentioned he felt that relationships were complicated but misses being close to me. This suggested he just wanted one thing. I told him I wasn't interested in that. He disappeared.
Now, here we are 6 months later and he has re reappeared. He misses me. He's less busy. I'm less busy (I'm now qualified and he only has one job). He thinks about me. I'm beautiful inside and out. He was stupid. He loves talking to me. Please can we meet up?!
I can't explain how I feel. I have never felt the way I feel when I was with him. I am scared I never will again. I'm anxious he will get bored. So anxious that it feels horrible but nice hearing from him. Is he bored right now, is that why he is messaging. What if another woman comes along? Am I just scared i will never feel that feeling again?
Did he cheat? Is that forgivable? All I know is it bloody hurt and took me so so long to get over him.

OP posts:
MzHz · 28/11/2019 11:08

You would be the biggest fool EVER to take this bloke back!

He’s just sniffing around for a shag!

He texted other women... on your birthday

That’s not about being “too busy” that’s about being a lying prick who thinks having multiple woman on the scene makes him a god.

MzHz · 28/11/2019 11:10

I would also say that the physical response you had to him is actually NOT a good thing, you’ll end up destroyed by this guy, you won’t be able to keep this in check, it’s your instincts actually trying to warn you.

Delete his number, block him everywhere and move on

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 11:12

Good grief NO! leave him in the past.

incognitomum · 28/11/2019 11:17

Do you think it's lust attracting you to him?

I also say avoid. What he did on your birthday is unforgivable.

I know it's hard but you will meet someone who's committed tk a relationship. He sounds selfish.

incognitomum · 28/11/2019 11:18

To*

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 28/11/2019 11:24

I know, I would tell someone exactly the same. I just fond it so hard. Why can't I be strong and block him? I know I have to.
I think it's lust. I have never felt it. I have been on my own (apart from him) 9 years. Dated lots. Never ever feel it.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 28/11/2019 11:38

I've been there so won't judge as it's like a drug. Takes over your whole mind.

Is there any way you can distract yourself to stop you thinking about him so much? Gym, running club or hobby?

NotTonightJosepheen · 28/11/2019 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Selfsettling3 · 28/11/2019 11:43

You realise that he is probably going out with another women and messaging you at the same time.

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 28/11/2019 11:53

Thankyou everyone, really appreciate your support here.
It took a year to stop thinking about him. I woke up one day and thought, wow, I haven't thought about him in a few days. It got longer and longer. There were days he would pop into my head but it didn't hurt like it did. Now, it feels, not a hurt feeling but a slight feeling of how I felt back then. Also, wanting him to want me. Even though I know I wasn't who. I can't possibly go back to feeling that way.
I know I will stop thinking about him as I did before and the feelings aren't so strong. I think as long as he is there in the background, I will never fully get over him. Especially as he pops in and out of my life. He didn't put up a fight 1.5 years ago, you're right.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 28/11/2019 12:02

Good attitude hope you can stick to it. Tell him your not interested.

I've had bored exes come out of the woodwork a few times. Asking how I M but really fishing to see if I'm equally as bored and want a shag. I'm happily married now.

Keep dating and one day you will someone who is everything.

Dacquoise · 28/11/2019 12:05

I had this. Met someone who seemed to tick all the boxes at the beginning of the relationship. I had been on my own for a while so was delighted and flattered by the attention. I thought he was a keeper. It soon wore off with all the games he played. Eventually he wore me out mentally and I called it a day. He didn't seem at all bothered at the time. Right decision.

Then he popped up out of the blue one day, giving me all the flannel. Thinking we would just start where we left off. Huge ego. Huge cheek!

Having now found someone decent I can categorically tell you that it shouldn't be so difficult. Someone that loves you doesn't play games, doesn't disappear and reappear when it suits him. They get over any hurdles, not use them as excuses. They don't induce feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Hang in there Leap, your time will come.

snowone · 28/11/2019 12:10

Don't do it OP......he's a cycle kind of a guy.

I had one for 3 years and he broke my heart every 6 months or so. And the cycle started again.

I have NEVER loved (obsessed) some one like I loved him and I was on my own for a very long time after we broke up.

I'm now happily married with 2 children, I love my DH dearly, albeit in a different way......and he's never broken my heart!!

ymf117 · 28/11/2019 12:26

Do you want a relationship? If so leave it in the past, he knows he has a hold on you and you are being too available. If it's a hook up you want then why not, but I suspect it isn't all you want.

I'd be mad that he'd done all that and even met DD despite not being serious about a relationship!

slinkysaluki · 28/11/2019 12:32

I.5 years is nothing, i met up with someone i went out with 27 years ago we have been seeing each other nearly a year now

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 28/11/2019 12:53

Thankyou! I love reading a happy ever after story. I wish I had one! I have dated since him and never felt it. It's difficult to believe I will as I have been single so long. I will try to hang in there though. I know I'm not alone and there are other guys like it. You have all been strong to end things.
I know he's going to text/call later. I know I'm gonna be feeling a little like poop for a few days now also because I will be telling him I have decided not to meet him.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 28/11/2019 13:40

Best of luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2019 13:43

Send a text telling him you will no longer be communicating and then BLOCK him. Don't waste your time speaking to him. He's nothing but a liar, a cheat and user.

PurpleGhost · 28/11/2019 14:05

Would you ever actually trust him completely again?
I don't think I'd be able to get over him messaging someone else. And I'd assume he went to that someone else when I told him to leave too. Maybe I'm just suspicious?

MzHz · 28/11/2019 14:06

Do NOT give up faith

I had a relationship like you described, never felt anything like it - BUT he picked me up and dropped me 3 times and I still wanted him back, it took years to get over him.

BUT.... the feeling I had, that rush of energy etc were a warning. ALL my friends (different countries, different languages, none knowing the other said that he was Bipolar) I don't know if he was, but having read a bit about the subject there were a lot of boxes ticked.

whatever the reason, as sad as I was that it was never going to be, and although it took a couple of years to exorcise it all out of my system, I can tell you that my life is transformed! I met someone who gets me entirely, has made my life complete and changed from night to day in every conceivable way.

This guy is not The One. He is a bloke that you need to keep away from. Take the kindest decision for yourself, to delete and block him from your life completely. Make sure he can't contact you on Friday.

Walk on love, walk on and towards the one you are supposed to be with,

TobyHouseMan · 28/11/2019 14:06

You have feelings for him I think.

Why not meet up, see how it goes? Take it slow and who knows. Just wear you big girl pants and be realistic. If you don't you'll maybe regret it for the rest of your life.

Good luck.

MzHz · 28/11/2019 14:07

Be your own best friend. block block block

oh and I thought he was contacting Friday, not later - block now, and delete the number/email so you CAN'T undo it.

NotTonightJosepheen · 28/11/2019 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RLEOM · 28/11/2019 14:34

If he treated you like that the first time, he wasn't that into you from the start and, sadly, that's how it'll probably continue if you start dating him again.

Know your worth. Don't dedicate yourself to this man who didn't do the same for you.

mummmy2017 · 28/11/2019 14:39

Ok, think of it like this.
If you were happy with him once, you can do it again, because you are a great person, you just need to find the great man.