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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm in deep crap

27 replies

Apple2345 · 28/11/2019 08:33

So I have been having what would be easily be described as an inappropriate relationship with a man over 30 years older than me at my workplace.

Before I say anything else, I would like to say a few facts about me. I am in my late 20s, and had a hard year. I have suffered a very close bereavement, on medication for anxiety and depression, and I'm trapped in an abusive marriage with a man who makes my life a misery. I have no real family or friends for support. So please be gentle.

The man at work started off being kind and friendly to me, as I was new to the job. I trusted him because he is a manager and has kids my age (how naive I was). It started off as coffees and chats about work, and developed into texting outside of work, which was about work at first. Then we began talking more frequently. I confess it was nice to have someone to talk to, in between getting verbal abuse from my husband and getting anxious over everything.

It then progressed into meeting outside work - I said no several times at first but he would nag me until I gave in. We went for coffees usually. I thought maybe he was lonely and was one of those people who got on better with young people. He is married but I don't know much about his marriage, we never discussed it.

Gradually, he initiated things - he held my hand when I was upset about a close death, but then started holding my hand all the time. He started calling me beautiful, and then even said he was in love with me. I have to admit he has a very good way with words and did make me feel special. Then he started hugging me more and for longer, I always resisted but he would nag me until I gave in. He hugged me and moved his hands down to my bum and another time cupped my breast, I know it wasn't an accident but I was too embarrassed to say anything. I know I am an idiot and should have stopped it, but felt powerless, he kept reassuring me it was ok as we are 'special' friends.

His behaviour also became controlling, he would get jealous when I spoke to other men at work and give me abuse, saying I love male attention and I'm a laughing stock etc. He would nag me to go and spend lunchtimes with him, when I didn't he started to sulk and make me feel bad.

During our last meeting he kissed me, despite me saying many times before I didn't want that. When he did it first I froze, in shock. He then tried again and I struggled but he held me to try and stop me moving before kissing my neck. Afterwards he said I kissed him back and it was 'mutual'. I have avoided seeing him since because I know he will do it again. He said kissing me is beautiful and why should we stop something so enjoyable Confused

I feel I have come to my senses now and told him I don't want a friendship with anything physical. He is now trying to guilt me, saying he loves me and he doesn't understand why I have changed, that I am a 'special' friend. I said we can still be friends but don't need the rest of it (I have to be civil with him as we work together). He keeps saying he doesn't understand why I have changed and he thought we would be forever, that he loves me, that I'm the best thing in his life etc etc. He keeps saying he has feelings too and should be able to have a say on if things stop, I said no I have every right to stop if I want to, it's not a mutual decision if I don't want someone to touch me?

I'm worried about what he could do to me work wise now I am rejecting him completely. He has a lot of influence. I can't tell anyone about what has happened as firstly, he would be protected as his job is very important in the organisation and second, it would be humiliating for me if people knew. Especially as it will look like I wanted it as I went along with it for too long. I don't want to leave the job but feel I may have to Sad

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 28/11/2019 08:39

What a creep. I'm sorry for for all that is happening to you.

In the first instance, if you don't want to pursue sexual harassment through HR, you need to be job hunting.

Tell the man to leave you alone, that his attention isn't welcome. Don't be nice. Yes, he could be difficult. But so could you!

But above all, please get some counselling. You need to work out why you are accepting such awful behaviour from your husband and your boss. Don't think that I am blaming you at all, I know first hand how hard it is. But you need to explore and work on your self worth. Flowers

Middersweekly · 28/11/2019 08:46

He has massively taken advantage of you who was in a vulnerable state due to your home situation. He’s like a creepy predator! As a manager he can get into big trouble for sexual harassment of a junior staff member so he needs to be reminded of that. Your body language describes someone who is in no way attracted to him. He was obviously obsessively pursuing you and at 30 years your senior he must have thought all his Xmas’ had come at once when you agreed to ‘hang out’ with him. From here on out reply to him professionally. No lunches or coffees together. If he doesn’t keep harassing you then go to the head of department/ HR and report him.
In other aspects you need to leave your abusive marriage. It’s doing nothing for your self confidence! The freedom programme will help you build up your self esteem.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 28/11/2019 08:58

This man is a lecherous predator, a bully. Stand up to him. Do not be persuaded to go for coffee or meet up again.

If you don't want to leave the job, ask HR for a copy of the policy on sexual harassment & bullying. If he carries on, put it in front of him & say you will report him. Mean it!

Marriage wise it sounds like he has more to lose than you. I doubt his wife would be too impressed if she doesn't already know what a sleezebag he is.

Or is there anyone you can confide in, even in a professional role? You don't have to say initially who the man is. But explain the bereavement, anxiety etc.

What makes you certain that he will be protected? He has probably done this before & if he got away with it he thinks he can do it again. People like this rely on silence. No one has the right to do this to you. You have been vulnerable, a bit daft, but he has taken advantage.

You have a right not to be harassed at work. Take a deep breath and take the first steps to improve your life. You can do it

krustykittens · 28/11/2019 09:32

OP, this man is abusing you - how dare he say it is his decision when he stops touching you! None of this is your fault, he targeted you while you were vulnerable, so put that right out of your mind. You have been given some excellent advice here on how to deal with him, so think of this creep as a practice run for getting rid of your husband! No more being friendly with him, no more time being spent with him outside the office, grey rock him! You CAN do this and it will be the first step to having a happier life. Flowers

Cherrygirl3 · 28/11/2019 09:55

Amounts to grooming! Do not blame yourself at all op. Please go to HR with this, as previous poster said, he will almost certainly have done something like this before. Flowers

onalongsabbatical · 28/11/2019 10:11

He. Groomed. You.
Get legal advice ASAP.

bluebell34567 · 28/11/2019 11:20

leave your marriage, it is making you vulnerable to such creeps.
if this man starts to affect your business, file a complaint with concrete evidence.

Krazynights34 · 28/11/2019 11:41

Please please consider reporting him. He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with grooming a vulnerable person.
He is vile.
He deserves what will happen if you do report him.
I know how hard it is to do but I’ve had to do it with a HCP recently- it’s very difficult and painful but it’s hopefully going to be worth it for my self esteem in the end.
Handhold from ne

flapjackfairy · 28/11/2019 11:46

Yes you are sadly being abused by 2 abusive men ! Dump both ! You deserve better . So much better !

FaithInfinity · 28/11/2019 11:53

I agree he absolutely groomed you. This wasn’t your choice. You should report him.

Can I also suggest you look at doing The Freedom Programme? You can do it online if you can’t attend a group. It would help you to understand your marriage and how this situation unfolded and help you to recognise abusers in the future.

Whiskers14 · 28/11/2019 11:58

You're not in deep crap, OP – HE is for bullying you into physical intimacy against your will. You need to report him to HR. Make sure you keep all the messages he's sent you and write out a timeline of what's happened.

MummyJasmin · 28/11/2019 12:11

Contact HR and senior managment. Report him.

SheOfManyNames · 28/11/2019 12:17

There are two main problems here:

  1. Your husband
  2. This other creep at work.

You don't need to report him right now, but I would look for another job as a priority. Once you have a new job, then you can file a complaint if you want to.
are you in a position to leave your husband?

You deserve so much better and I hope you get it.

sprouts21 · 28/11/2019 13:13

Youve done nothing wrong op. A similar thing happened to me and I'm a lot older than you and it was really difficult to deal with.

This mans behaviour is escalating and he has sexually assaulted you several times. It's actually him that is in deep crap. Get angry and tell him to keep his fucking rapey hands off you.

Has he said any of these things to you via messages?

GinderellaByMidnight · 28/11/2019 13:44

Many years ago during what I can only describe as a mental break down after my relationship broke down I got involved (never sexually) with my boss at work who was also 30 years older than me and married (he told me his marriage was over) I believed him.
Anyway. After coming to my senses 6 months down the line and basically telling him to leave me alone.He made my working life an absolute misery. I reported him many time’s to his superiors with no avail and eventually paid the price with my job. Do not try and let him down gently. IMO it never works. Tell him you want nothing more to do with him and he is making you feel uncomfortable. Log a complaint so
You have a paper trial. Good luck OP

12345kbm · 28/11/2019 13:53
  1. Join the Freedom Programme and contact Women's Aid regarding your husband and current predicament: 0808 2000 247
  2. Look into some form of therapy.
  3. Contact ACAS. They should be able to offer free, impartial advice and information about your work situation. The Acas helpline number is 0300 123 1100. It is available Monday to Friday 8am-6pm.
  4. Think about looking for another job.
Guavaf1sh · 28/11/2019 13:54

It’s not your fault

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 28/11/2019 13:55

He is a creep. :-/

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 28/11/2019 13:56

Ps i would have been vulnerable to what SEEMED like kindness (at first) 12 years ago as well.

He is a different type of predator.
☕

sammybins · 28/11/2019 14:41

strategize, and then... fight back. Come on!

Thatagain · 28/11/2019 15:40

You and your husband needs counciling. You also need to tell someone maybe your husband if he isn't violent. I would say that you have been sexually harassed but that would be lieing. You took your time out with this man and he will use that against you. You need to strengthen up here I don't mean to be harsh I've had awful things happen to me and all the sweet talk in the world isn't going to help you. You need professional advice from the cmht. Go to your gp and speak to them as your mental health is at risk here. I would also advise that you and your husband gets couples theropy as I don't always think diverse is the best solution. Unless he refuses theropy. Don't go back to work get another job. After you get help so you don't end up in the same situation. It's better to struggle then to deal with emotional weirdos

12345kbm · 28/11/2019 15:47

OP do not have counselling with your abuser.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 16:39

Joint counselling is NOT advisable with an abusive partner

OP you've been groomed. It's not your fault. This man used your vulnerability as a way to get sex by pretending to be your friend. Use the advice on here. I hope you can get out of your marriage too.

AgentJohnson · 28/11/2019 16:58

You are in two abusive relationship and they both have to stop.

Have you kept copies of his harassing communications? You should go direct to HR, do not give him a heads up. However, given your MH struggles, as much as it pains me to type it, leaving might be kinder on your emotional wellbeing.

ScreamingLadySutch · 28/11/2019 18:51

I said no several times at first but he would nag me until I gave in
Then he started hugging me more and for longer, I always resisted but he would nag me until I gave in.
I know it wasn't an accident but I was too embarrassed to say anything. felt powerless,

His behaviour also became controlling,
give me abuse,He would nag me
he started to sulk and make me feel bad.

despite me saying many times before I didn't want that.
When he did it first I froze, in shock.
I struggled but he held me to try and stop me moving
Afterwards he said I kissed him back and it was 'mutual'.
I have avoided seeing him I know he will do it again.
confused

He is now trying to guilt me He keeps saying he has feelings too and should be able to have a say on if things stop,
I said no I have every right to stop if I want to, it's not a mutual decision if I don't want someone to touch me?

I'm worried about what he could do to me work wise now
He has a lot of influence.
I can't tell anyone about what has happened as firstly, he would be protected as his job is very important in the organisation
. I don't want to leave the job but feel I may have to sad

Does that sound like you participated?
Does that sound like anything other than COERCION and abuse?

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