Another no sex thread

[titsmcghee27]

I know these are common threads here - I've posted myself before. But starting to struggle now. It's been two months. No particular reason. We get plenty of alone time. He just doesn't seem to want to. Ever. He says he has low libido. I know he has viagra. There have been at least three occasions where I've thought it's been on the cards and then just hasn't materialised. It's really disappointing and frustrating. He assures me it's not me, it's him. He says he's going to go to the doctors but nothing seems to change. I can't help but feel undesirable even though he is affectionate and tactile in other ways. I'm not overly sex orientated myself and can deal with infrequency but this time it's been so long with no end in sight.

I know the popular response here is to LTB but we have an otherwise great relationship and I don't want to leave over this. Please don't start telling me how incompatible we are and how I should leave him. I truly love him I just need advice on how to accept this or maybe help him to help himself. I have no reason to believe anything untoward is going on (porn addiction or an affair as the usual go-to explanations). Just feeling fed up. Anyone else in the same boat?

Mismatched Libido is a real problem in relationships. He probably doesn’t want to go to the doctors. He is probably fine with it. If anything it’s usually a mental issue rather than physical so often it is counselling that would get to the bottom of it. Low testosterone is rarely the cause.

I think you will have to work on the coming to terms with it aspect if you don’t want to split up. If he is tactile in other ways then at least that’s one thing. A lot of people getting no sex are getting zero affection either.

You seem sure on the porn aspect. Are you certain about this? If Porn becomes addictive to men then the real thing often becomes a disappointment and they end up shying away from it.

Have you talked about it in any great detail? Asked about kinks etc? People can be married for 20 years and no nothing about it each other sexually as they shy away from it.

Know

If he doesn’t want sex then he doesn’t want it. You can’t force him and you’re not entitled to sex. Men are told that on here all the time. Just leave him but I wouldn’t rule out depression.

Of course I can't be totally certain but he rarely had the opportunity to be ogling porn. The kink side of it, not sure. Could be possible. It's hard to say and I don't always feel like he wants to communicate because it's obviously a tough conversation to have. As I said, it's not like I want it daily or even weekly but to let two months pass...it just seems a lot. And it's upsetting that he knows I'm not happy but doesn't seem willing to do a lot about it.

You say it's been 2 months OP. What happened before this 2 month window? Is this a blip or is it something that is a regular occurrence?
Has anything changed in the last 2 months that might have had an effect on him?

It's usually monthly at best so this is slightly longer than normal. It's been like this for quite a long time.

As you know OP it could be a number of things. You don't say how old you are.
Has he always had no desire for sex?

I'm 36, he's 51. So an obvious age gap that could be a factor. We've been together coming up 4 years and it has been like this the majority of our relationship. I just worry that it's me who doesn't do it for him.

I would say his age is a massive factor OP

"I just worry that it's me who doesn't do it for him."

Its not you. A healthy male libido isn't that picky. At his age its unfortunately quite common for men to suffer low libido and performance issues.

I agree it's probably his age.
I don't know what the answer is if he keeps promising to go to the doctors and just doesn't if it's not a dealbreaker.

Are you affectionate towards each other?

He's very affectionate and loving, I can't complain about that. He says he's been like this for years so I'm not sure if it's age, testosterone, just lack of desire. In his defence he has apologised and said he will go to the doctor but i don't want to make him feel like he has to do something he doesn't want to just to keep me happy.

Does he want to have sex with you? Because I think you can want to have sex with someone and be frustrated by your own lack of libido, or is he just not bothered either way?

He says he wants to but I don't know. Actions speak louder than words and if he really wanted to then I think he'd make more effort. I think he wants to make me happy but he could probably live without it. He does seem to enjoy it when it happens. I feel like there's so much pressure on us though and we're doing it so irregularly that it becomes quite stressful which clearly defeats the object.

I think the lesbians amongst us would testify that you don't need a dick to make love.

Tongues, fingers and sex toys can all be put to good use even without a libido. DH loves you yeah? Ask him to satisfy you in these other ways.

You're confusing "libido" with "ability to get an erection". Would you want someone to make love to you who has no desire for it, who is only going through the motions and is getting no enjoyment out of it?

I could have written that a few years back. Definitely no porn or affair here either.

What's worked for us:

Tell him in plain and direct language: I love you and I want sex with you. It's important to me.

Embrace viagra, it's a wonder drug. Read the small print carefully. Take it one hour before and take maximum possible dose. Pharmacists are fab, no need for GP.

Premier inns are your friend, get away from distractions in the house. Especially when you can get one for £29!

His age is a massive factor.

Performance failure/ confidence are huge for men but success breeds success.

Learn how to give him amazing oral.

Be patient and don't give up.

Adjust frequency expectations. Amazing sex with someone you love once a month is still amazing sex 12 times a year!

Good luck.

@PrintingInk thank you for this. It gives me some hope! I think I sometimes get wound up and deflated and I don't help matters. I have spoken to him about feeling upset but it probably just puts more pressure on him. Maybe what I should do is try and be a bit proactive and initiate things subtlety with no pressure or expectation.

He does have viagra but as I understand it doesn't actually increase libido, just enables the person to keep an erection?

Oh OP. You’re not even 40! Why would you date somebody of that age!! What were you expecting?? He’s 50. You’re entering your prime. He’s past his. Do you really want to be in an old age relationship before your time. This could be it for you for the next 30 years. How sad. He’s never going to revert to a 30/40 year old libido. If it’s been like this since the beginning then why carry on the relationship?

Resigning yourself to unwanted celibacy at your age is so sad.

@fit4more because I love him dearly, he's a wonderful partner and there is more to our relationship than sex. But yes the lack of sex is obviously an issue and I feel sad about it too.

But I would feel sadder about not being with him. I really do love and value our life together

He's got to be gay

@wildnightmares helpful, thanks. Sensible suggestions only please :)

@titsmcghee27 speak to him hunni

Well I don’t think it’s his age. 51 is not that old and plenty of men that age want sex more often. Agree it’s not an erection issue, more desire, so the lesbian advice is odd. Maybe it’s just how he is. I can’t think what else to suggest if you are mismatched. I do suggest talking about it though. You are still in your 30s OP, I would find it hard to accept too.