Another no sex thread

[titsmcghee27]

I know these are common threads here - I've posted myself before. But starting to struggle now. It's been two months. No particular reason. We get plenty of alone time. He just doesn't seem to want to. Ever. He says he has low libido. I know he has viagra. There have been at least three occasions where I've thought it's been on the cards and then just hasn't materialised. It's really disappointing and frustrating. He assures me it's not me, it's him. He says he's going to go to the doctors but nothing seems to change. I can't help but feel undesirable even though he is affectionate and tactile in other ways. I'm not overly sex orientated myself and can deal with infrequency but this time it's been so long with no end in sight.

I know the popular response here is to LTB but we have an otherwise great relationship and I don't want to leave over this. Please don't start telling me how incompatible we are and how I should leave him. I truly love him I just need advice on how to accept this or maybe help him to help himself. I have no reason to believe anything untoward is going on (porn addiction or an affair as the usual go-to explanations). Just feeling fed up. Anyone else in the same boat?

*I think the lesbians amongst us would testify that you don't need a dick to make love.

Tongues, fingers and sex toys can all be put to good use even without a libido.*

What have I just read? Tongues fingers and toys can absolutely be used in stead of a penis, yes. But instead of a libido?! A libido has fuck all to do with a penis - it means the desire for sex. Absence of libido is not an absence of penis but an absence of wanting sex. So - tongues fingers and toys can be used when person concerned Does not WANT sexual contact?

Is there a name for such a situation?

Don't be too quick to dismiss the idea that he's gay. Lots of posts on here from women who have inadvertently become a beard.

FYI for those lesbians amongst us. IME heterosexual women like dick,

IMO A truthful convo is needed here with your OH. Honesty is best policy.

He could be anywhere on the sexual spectrum

I think this is the problem. I don't feel he is being honest. Not completely. I wish I knew what was going on in his head - if he wants to but can't. If he doesn't have any desire to. If it's something to do with me. Or if he prefers something else altogether.

If a relationship can’t survive without sex then it isn’t the right relationship to be in

Some men truly do have a low libido - my sister had an awful job getting her husband to perform just enough to get her pregnant, but she was happy with this the rest of the time so it didn't matter in the long run.

I do think that if he needs to use Viagra, there must be an underlying condition here whether it be psychological or physical.

Easier said than done getting him to go, but it sounds to me like you need couple counselling with a relationship/sex counsellor.

Good luck OP

Trust your instinct that he is not being altogether honest. Let him understand that he owes you an honest conversation about this. You should insist and don't talk about anything else until this conversation takes place. This is not a side issue, at your age it is integral to a relationship. Also 51 is not old in terms of libido.

If a many doesn't want as much sex, he's either gay, a porn abuser, needs to go and see the Doctor or needs to be LTB'd.

A woman doesn't want enough sex and and it's down to pulling weight around the home.

The double standards are amazing at times.

Can you imagine the advice to a man being "Insist she goes to the Dr to have her hormones checked, she must be a lesbian, or leave the bitch, life's too short?"

@Groundfloor I agree. I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to feel pressured into doing things he doesn't want to do. I just hoped there might be some way to compromise or find some sort of acceptance. It would be easier if we could communicate honestly about things but I sense he finds it very tough to talk about.

Do you feel that he fancies you?
I had a similar situation and for me, the feeling of not being desired/ fancied/admired was the killer, not the sexual frustration.
I never got to the bottom of it. I wasted so much time googling low testosterone, could my husband be secretly gay etc. It was soul-destroying and I do resent the time wasted. My self esteem took a battering, and now, years after I left him, I still can't believe I could be fanciable.

Yes i think he fancies me. He compliments me all the time and is very loving. I just don't think he wants to have sex. Whether that's because of low libido, something to do with me or because he prefers something else...I don't know.

Tongues, fingers and sex toys can all be put to good use even without a libido. DH loves you yeah? Ask him to satisfy you in these other ways.
Tell him in plain and direct language: I love you and I want sex with you. It's important to me
Jesus Christ can you imagine if a man said this to a woman?! As for being told to put things to good use? No! If someone doesn't want sex they shouldn't be forced to or coerced to. Their partner is free to leave if it isn't working. I'd certainly leave. But then consent of anybody - man or woman - is very important to me.

Cheesus! Hold off with the twisting of words and meanings. No ones suggesting forced or coercive sex! We're suggesting asking a loved one for something nice!

Like asking for a back rub or a lick of their ice cream (not a euphermism).

When my DP asks me if I'd like to give him a hand shandy, I'm always free to say 'not tonight josephine' and kick him in the cock.

It's a request not an order

But the problem is not a menu of sex acts. Unless the OP is thick I’m sure she doesn’t need schooling or directives, nor most likely is her DH. IMO It was oddly patronising advice from the Lesbian School Painting by Numbers of how to do sex.

Anyway I hope Op resolved it somehow. I think op said reluctant to talk about it but really I don’t see how you can get round that.

He owes you a searingly honest convo about this.
Is he happy with the status quo as long as you shut up about your own unhappiness?

Fwiw, I am your age, currently divorcing a lovely man in his early fifties who lost desire for me and refused to talk about it, ever. We are great friends, but from my perspective, we stopped being husband and wife when he unilaterally decided to end our sexual relationship.

Just to add a male perspective, he should certainly still have desires at 51, that is way too young to be "past it". The majority of guys are potent well into their 60s and even beyond if they are reasonably healthy and enjoy sex regularly. Having enjoyable sex is the key - the more you enjoy it the more you want it. Low testosterone is often cited if a man lacks desire but stress, depression and/or performance anxiety are much more likely to be the true reason.

Assuming you can rule out medical reasons - and I think you almost certainly can - then you need to have a serious talk to him to try and find out how you can help him to reignite his sexual side.

@Aisforharlot this is what I'm worried about. He certainly seems ok with the situation. I'm really not ok with it

AutumnConker were you correcting another women on a internet forum?

Yes I'm in the same boat and it's miserable.

Husband has been for tests at the hospital. I had to beg him to go. Can't find anything wrong. He thinks it's in his head. I've told him to go back to doctors. He hasn't bothered. I actually don't think he has bothered. We've never had that good of a sex life to be honest but padt 5 years we've probably had sex like 20 times. I'm so miserable so can completely understand what you're going through.

@GeneandFred sorry to hear that you're going through it too. My op hasn't even made it that far. He says he'll go to the doctors but he hasn't. He must have addressed it at some point because he has viagra prescribed but I think this might have been at the start of our relationship when he was still trying to impress. Now we are settled it's like he doesn't need to make the effort and is happy plodding along.

I've been very down the past few weeks and he keeps asking what's wrong but I can't seem to find the energy to try and explain. I've said it all before. It's so sad because I love him so very much but I can see our relationship fading because the excitement and spark is just dwindling away. I really hope there's a way to bring it back.

You need to see this movie with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones
Its about a couple who have sex issues ...though older than you

Even if you dont find it helpful its a very good movie imo