Getting it wrong again 🙄

[WideAwakeInTheMiddleOfTheNight]

I've been on a few dates over the last 10 days or so with a friend of a friend. Met on the Friday, saw each other on the Sunday, Wednesday and following Saturday/Sunday - so not excessive

We got on well, things seemed to be progressing appropriately and he seemed keen enough to see me/spend time with me without any red flags etc. Contact was limited to arranging the next date, he was lovely during the dates etc.

I sent him a message on Tuesday afternoon to see if he was free for dinner that night as I was unexpectedly free. He moved a few things around and we went out. Was a lovely evening - we held hands, chatted easily, kissed; it was nice and we started to reveal more personal things about ourselves. We ended the evening having pencilled in seeing each other later in the week.

And then? I sent him a message yesterday and he hasn't replied. Nothing major - just a "hope you're feeling better today" because he'd not been feeling 100% and nothing. Not even a courtesy reply, so he's clearly no longer interested in me.

I can only think that I must have told him something about myself on the Tuesday evening that put him off although, if anything, our conversation flowed more easily and we discovered more things we had in common.

I'm not devastated but I've been single for a long time and he's the only man I've been interested in for a few years really.

I've got aspergers and find relationships difficult and I'm just left, once more, with the feeling that im not good enough for that there is something so fundamentally off putting/unattractive about me that no one would be interested.

My son told me a few weeks ago that my 'quirks' are noticeable but quite endearing so i can only assume he didnt find them endearing once he'd started to notice - although i think I was masking pretty well. I didn't tell him I have AS - it felt too soon for that.

There was there something fairly minor I could imagine he'd have found off putting about me over the weekend but, as he rearranged something to see me on Tuesday, decided it couldn't really be that. Otherwise, he'd have ignored me after that.

I've been told before that I clearly just haven't met the right person yet but I'm 45 and I've never met the right person. I'm beginning to think that there isnt a 'right' person for me - which just makes me sad.

I dont know what I want from this really. I guess I'm just frustrated that I've had it proven to me, yet again, that this is something that isn't for me and likely never will be. And that makes me.sad.

Could it be that he's been busy hence not having chance to reply? Try not to over think things yet. The number of dates you have had in a short period is pretty full on tbh so he must like you. It's very early days in a potential relationship so getting so invested in it at this stage is not healthy. Keep busy, carry on with your life as normal and don't message him. Give him chance to reply. If you don't message him yourself then you are more likely to get a text from him.

Thanks. Its not that I'm invested - 4 dates is nothing really - it's more what it says about me; that someone who seemed to like me can just lose interest so suddenly.

He could be busy, I suppose, but last week he apologised for not replying quickly enough and it had only been a couple of hours. And, from things I know about him, I dont think it's that.

I won't message him again unless I hear from him first.

OP, it's probably not anything about you at all. It could just be if he's not been well he's not had chance to reply. He might not be able to meet up again this week and doesn't know how to say it.

I'm probably quite cynical, but I do wonder if he was expecting more from the last date ie sex. But even then, it's not your fault if he's like that and don't ever do something you're not comfortable with just to please someone else.

Its not that I'm invested - 4 dates is nothing really - it's more what it says about me; that someone who seemed to like me can just lose interest so suddenly.

But why does it have to be something you've done or said? Why does it have to be your fault?

He might think you're too good for him, too intelligent, too pretty, too sassy.

His ex might have walked back into his life

He might have got another hit on Tinder and decided to date someone else for a while (unrelated to his feelings for you)

He may be more ill than you thought

His phone may have broken

His dog might be very ill - or his parents/siblings

Work might have created issues for him and he may be really worried about it

He might have car problems, a house leak, a break in at home

Why does his lack of response have to be to do with you?

And even if it is to do with you - that's HIS problem, not yours. If who you are, quirks and all, isnt right for him or anyone - then fuck 'em. Honestly, just fuck 'em.

That’s really rude not to answer your message and not to tell you if he doesn’t want to see you again.

His lack of response has nothing to do with you.

The first few getting to know each other dates are just that and I wouldn't take them so personally as either one of you can decide no at any time. He may have liked you and you didn't like him that much and visa versa. Nobody's fault and it doesn't mean anything is wrong.

It was only yesterday you messaged.

Goldenchildsmum

That's the thing, there isnt really another explanation. He works for himself and his work patterns mean that he's available most days; he's similar to me in that he's a bit of a home bird so not out all the time; no parents; no children; no pets; not on Tinder; not actively dating; been single for years...

Tbh, I dont know what to do. Our date was pencilled in for tonight and only pencilled in because I had to see what my childcare situation was. We left with him leaving it up to me to confirm tonight's date - and happy to do so.

So, if I dont say anything abut tonight then, technically, I'm the one who cancelled it because he left it with me to confirm.

But I don't feel that I want to contact him.

It's just so out of character of him though. We have mutual friends and it's widely accepted that he is one of the loveliest men. Everyone speaks very highly of him. He's very well liked.

So that's why I think it must be me. Him losing interest I can understand. Him ignoring me - I must have really put him off 😕

I am going to bet my last pound coun it isn't anything you have done or said. Men in their 40s are bloody flaky (maybe women are too, I don't know 😀) and we are terrible for looking back and analysing where we 'went wrong'. Those quirks your son is referring to - they are loveable things that make you unique. They are things that may possibly make a man like you more or may get on his nerves slightly but only when he really gets to know you and if you really liked each other he will just think of those quirks as a part of you. It could be that he's busy and will get back to you but he could just be rude and unreliable. Stop looking for faults in yourself. I fully believe a huge proportion of both men and women haven't found 'the one' but they may be settled with someone they like enough to live with.

What time did you send the message? Could he have fallen asleep?

In that case (re tonight’s date) you could send a text saying, I haven’t heard from you?

So the only explanation is that you've done something 'wrong'. ?

For me I wouldn't choose to view it that way. If he doesn't want to date you he's a fool. If you can change your mindset gradually, over time, it'd be really helpful imo and it'd give you way more confidence

Anyway - onto the more pressing matter. I'd need to know one way or another so I'd message him one more time using an app where I can see that he's seen the message and ask him if he'd like to meet at X tonight.

If he doesn't respond and you know he's seen the message then delete him from your phone and move on

But honestly - please try to avoid it being your fault. It honestly isn't. I promise.

A guy I've been chatting to on WhatsApp for a while (not yet met up) just blanked me last week. No more contact. Is that my fault? Did I do or say something wrong? Of course not. His loss. Totally - and if he isn't interested then he's the wrong man for me anyway

Yes I would also text saying you wanted to confirm tonight. You have every right to know what's going on - take control of the situation!

Thinking of you though - I overthink things all the time and I know it's hard

'rejection' even if it's not explicit, can be bloody hard. I really don't think it's you. It could be any number of things, especially as you said he wasn't feeling great. Try to stop overthinking and giving yourself a bit of a kicking because you really sound lovely

Could it be that the text message arrived when he was in the middle of something & he forgot to respond? I am a nightmare for that! It isn't intentional - I just think I'll respond later & it goes out of my mind.

He could be sitting there wondering why you haven't confirmed tonight & worrying he's done something wrong.

I would send a text to confirm tonight & take your lead from there.

He could be ill in bed. Text him again confirming tonight.

If he didn't reply then he is not the man for you. It shows you how rude and avoidant he can be, which are never great traits for a boyfriend. Just chalk it up to a nice time and leave it there. If he does get back in touch in the distant future, be wary of dating him...it means you are one of many ladies on his agenda, and he can change his mind at the drop of a hat.

I know it's really hard when you meet someone you like. If I can offer some perspective though. I met my dp online dating. We had some lovely early dates. All was good then he suddenly backed off. I accepted it as him not being interested. I was hurt but same as you, always felt I wasn't good enough etc. Anyway, it didn't end. It muddled along for a while before we had a big honest talk and we're now all good a year on. His reasons were definitely all to do with him and his experiences, not me.

Try to be positive. If he likes you then someone else will too. And if he likes you and sorts out whatever is a doubt for him (and at this stage it could be anything) then see what happens.

Be honest and be brave. You can tell him you'd like to see him tonight. That's fine and straight forward.

I know several people with aspergers and just as many of them in good relationships as those who don't have it.

Oops I rambled! Sorry that was long!

It's hard not to over think, second guess and analysis every little detail when is comes to messaging men, I do it ALL the time! And then feel incredibly stupid, albeit happy, when I get a message as if nothing is wrong !!
You could send him a quick "morning .. how are you?" message just so you are back in the drive seat and if he doesn't reply within 5 mins, fuck him off (joking, not joking ;-)

Don't ever think it's to do with you - you are amazing !!!! If he's not that into you then think of it as his loss and move onto the next ;-)
Now get some lipstick on and go out there and be fabulous xx

If I'd never met him or I'd met him online then I wouldnt even question it but he is a friend of friends- we will most likely bump into each other at some point!

He doesn't have many ladies on his agenda that's the point. If that were the case, again, I wouldnt question it.

I messaged him at around midday on WhatsApp so I can see he has read it and been online since.

Goldenchildsmum

Tha is that's what I'll do in think.

Maybe just say that, as I hadn't heard from him I was wondering if were still free tonight. Something like that and then leave it there.

I can understand him not wanting to see me again. It's the ignoring that is puzzling and out of character for everything I know about him.

I can understand him not wanting to see me again. It's the ignoring that is puzzling and out of character for everything I know about him.

Bless you - I so want to give you a huge hug. Please please try not to put yourself down. You deserve to be treated with love by you.

Friends of friends can be challenging to date because we think we know stuff about them. We think we know who they are. So his presumed rejection of you is made worse for you because your perception of him as a friend is that he's a great guy.

But as a boyfriend he may well be flaky or easily disassociated. You don't know what he's like as anything other than as a friend

Look after you. You're very precious and very special - don't allow anyone to make you think any different

I think perhaps you need to work on your self esteem. Stop blaming yourself. There's so many things that might have stopped he replying. Honestly, I think you are reading too much into this.

If you haven't heard from him by early afternoon then pop him a message asking if he is free for that date tonight as if not then you will make other plans. Don't message before early afternoon as it will appear desperate and pushy.

Give him chance to respond. Men don't tend to be as quick as women to use texts.

The reason I think it's me is because I do have odd ways that other people.dont like like. Despite being 45, my aspergers makes me quite 'young' in many respects. I skip and clap when I'm happy or excited; I'm not sophisticated and dont wear 'nice clothes' or make up because I only like the feel of certain fabrics and I'm dont like the feel of make up. Those things that are important to lots of women just aren't even on my radar.

I dont always approach things the way lots of people.do and some things are important to me that arent important ot other people and vice versa. I dont think hell have seen much of that.

So it is generally 'me' that people find off putting. I think not would take someone quite special to accept me the way I am. And its not always obvious because I'm not obviously autistic. Just a bit 'odd' at times (apparently). I'm intelligent, edicated and have a professional career so I dont jump.out immediately as having 'special needs'. But I do.

I will message him around 3pm althiugh if I haven't hard by then I'm unlikely to anyway.

Ahhh OP, I'm really sad at how much you put yourself down. I know how it feels to have low self esteem though. But I bet t's not anything you've done. He may have just genuinely forgot to reply (I'm terrible for doing that to people and it's absolutely not because I don't like them as a person). I would message in a little bit and just say something like "Hey, hope you're feeling better. Just checking if we're still on for tonight? Just let me know, if not I'll make other plans". Or something like that.

Good luck