Update 3 - it’s been a long few days

[Coronade]

So update from when I told him I knew about the affair and I need advice please.
He refused to move out and is in the box room. I think he thinks he can wear me down if he’s still here.
He is being super nice, got my monthly cheque for bills and housekeeping off him today without asking. He also sold his classic car yesterday and the garage are paying the money into my account.

I’m just acting normal indoors but it’s so hard. I had a total crash Monday night and literally cried all night until 9am the next day. I just couldn’t stop. He is driving me mad. Keeps kneeling on the floor in front of me 😩 he text me “I love you” - I did laugh at this one and wondered whether to reply “have you got the right number”. He’s never text me this in the 27 yrs we’ve been together.

Keeps asking for a second chance. Says he can’t live without me and his family. I just keep repeating that I can never trust him again and will always resent him and I don’t want to live like that. He just says , no you will in time 😩
I found a promise list he’s written in the back of his diary today of all the things he’s going to promise to be.
I really don’t give a 💩 about his promises, it’s over and I just want him to accept it. He was meant to tell his mum last night as well and didn’t ( didn’t feel right). Don’t know if he’s still talking to the OW but I keep telling him he can still see her, my thinking being if he is still with her he might leave me alone.
He keeps trying to hug me too which I hate I just stand there like a brick. How do I get through to him? As we are all living in the house I really want to keep it as civil as possible..
DD has been great she said “he wasn’t thinking about how much he loves you when he was off shagging her or being a total prick to us”.
Any advice would be great, the mopping around like a sick puppy dog act is wearing* very thin. He’s also going for the ill sympathy vote as apparently he fainted at work today.

He will probably start the good cop, bad cop routine soon Op when he's getting nowhere with the pleading. Sorting finances quickly before he gets to the next stage of his campaign is probably a good week idea.

I completely understand your need for civility. I'm in the same situation. And now it does feel like a game, you just need to be one step ahead.
Affair aside he was a bastard to you and you deserve better.
How are you in terms of getting your ducks in a row? Very soon his pity will turn to anger and you need to ensure you're getting what you're entitled to.
I really feel your pain.
Tell him to go - or you'll inform his mother and the poor husband of the OW. And his work. And anyone else that knows him.

I too am living in the same house. And no immediate way out to leave. Civil but I still get a meltdown - last night actually. And yes , I still do the usual house work as he too , is supporting me.
At the beginning of my finding out and discussing separating, he also did the begging, pleading , even on the knees. But that didn't last long as I just said things like " Good , I am glad you are feeling shit " . Funny that seeing him like that just made me angry . And anger is easier to deal with then sadness. I also said things as your DD suggests " "You didn't love me or sorry when you were shagging OW " and Yes , you are sorry ....to have got caught."

Anyway , fast forward some months and he has stopped. No positive response from me , so why bother. Funny how the initial lovebombing has stopped as he reckons he just gets rejected. Mm.... I wonder why ? Ridiculous that my DH seems to think that I should get over it by now. ! How about NEVER ?!

So hold your nerve , OP, at least you have an end in sight. Sell up and ship out when you can.
to you.

Stay strong OP and if have to be civil and game play for the next bit to ensure future security then do what you have to do. It is fine for posters here to say leave, just go and finger snap like they are Beyonce howling "Independent Woman" but the reality of having little or no money and DC who need you to be the sensible, reliable parent is very different.

He needs to move out, poss to stay with his parents or wherever.

You need to have to hand paperwork, passport etc and overnight bag packed in case he suddenly flips to nasty.

I think you should tell his parents and the other woman's husband. It is highly unlikely this will be the first or last time either will behave in this way.

Get a bolt on your bedroom door.

If you havent already got a bank account in your name, set one up. See a solicitor.

I understand you wanting to keep it civil. If you are making his life easier and giving him hope. So stop cooking and other "wife work" for him immediately.

You are right to tell his DM if he still hasn't. Do lot "host" her but do be polite. Hosting her is his job.

He thinks he can win you over with promises and familiarity, don't engage with him in chatting and absolutely grey rock him. If he tries to touch you tell him it's not consensual.

^ you are doing great though!

I would wind him up. Taunt him, when he starts begging, say 'Aw does the tart not want you? Shame that no one wants you isn't it?' and walk away.

And then if he keeps being pathetic threaten to tell her husband. Then he will maybe end up with someone else to treat as a slave. If you point that out to him, he might do it himself.

The saddest thing here were you daughters words:

‘Being a prick to us’.

Op this man wasn’t just hurting you. He was a prick to your babies. His babies. Remember your daughters words every time he wants a hug or asks for a second chance.

I bet he's seen a solicitor and been informed what the marriage ending with cost him in £££.

If he can keep the marriage going, he keeps you in domestic service, keeps his money (he won't consider it shared money) and keeps OW in the side. Winner winner 🍗.

Remember One thing, you Must do what is Best for you and the dc, nothing else matters immediately. If you have to play the game to get what you want, then do so, but without taking any crap. Plan and action your future carefully, you know what you are dealing with, don't be sidelined into defeat. You and your dc deserve happiness, freedom and respect, to enjoy your new lives together. This is everything. All the shit from that looser is nothing as long as your plans stay on track. Keep going. You are doing fantastically. Sometimes the future will look scary, but never as terrible as staying where you are, especially now.

I would personally taunt him and make him.feel some of the shock horror and utter heartbreak you've experienced. Be nasty. Be disgusted with him and let it show. He'll soon stop when he sees hes not getting anywhere but it'll.take perseverance

Massive hugs to you, you're incredible xxx

Well I found out he saw her Thursday. Apparently they both agreed it was madness and would stop seeing each other. I told him not to stop on my count. Anyway I think this was just talk to put me off telling her husband as they been WhatsApping every day about 15 messages each. He still keeps banging on about how I will cope financially but all he is worried about is himself.
He had torn the list of dates out of his diary and deleted all the pics off his phone. I assumed he’d thrown the date list away but he’s kept it in his van WTF!!! And on the last date when I text him say I knew everything he’s written “shit hit the fan” like it’s some bloody joke.
I went mad today when he asked to talk again, there is nothing to talk about. I’m never going to trust him again. I said about him still WhatsApping her and he lied again saying it was only 1 message yesterday. God I hate him. He still hasn’t told any of his friends or his mum.

I went mad today though so hopefully it’s sunk in. He went out and hadn’t come back hopefully it will stay that way 😩

OP you should still tell OW's husband about the affair and people close to you(don't suffer in silence).I don't believe a word your soon exH says. I can not believe the nerve he has,is he in denial now?! Gosh..

Fuck me he really is a grade A prick isn't he. Absolutely PATHETIC.

And it's only worth him trying once he is hurt and you are through with him.

None of your awful, upset nights pleading with him not to be an arsehole were enough. Only his pain is.

FWIW I think you've been right to play the civil game so far to sort out things like bills because you're right he will probably throw his toys out of the pram when he realises this really is it.

I would be tempted to draw up a list of what needs to happen now (eg any outstanding bills, childcare arrangements etc) with a timeframe (eg need to be out of the house by xyz).

I'd then sit him down and say that if you can agree these then you will at least be able to remain civil but that if he can't you will need to speak to a solicitor to draw up the plan (obviously you will do this regardless at some point) because your priority is the children's routine and stability.

If he refuses this then you're not worse off than now but if he agrees as he is desperate not to be cut off completely then you might be able to get some bits moving.

You're doing so well and this is all proof you've made the right decision. He isn't willing to go all in with you (or OW) if there's a chance he may end up with neither of you.

He wants one relationship plus a back up relationship.

And you ain't playing that game

If you asked me yesterday I’d say don’t tell the husband.

Today I say tell him. Why? So it’s real. So he can stop begging for a chance. So they both know it’s over and you’re serious. And finally, because she is a complete prick as is he...and her husband deserves better.

At least tell the dick's mother! She has a right to know imo

Yes I’m telling his mum when she comes over. I’ve given him enough time and he could have easily driven round there any night. He’s a coward as he knows she will go mad x

Well done 👍

Well done. Stay strong and get cracking with the lawyer. Did you get photos/screenshots of The List and the messages? I can't remember.

We aren’t married so haven’t got to do a divorce. Just splitting assets.
Yes have pics as back up.
House sold and hopefully that will complete Feb.

Sounds like you're doing amazingly well and keeping it together brilliantly. I lived with my exh for 14 months after we split so I understand about keeping it civil. Hopefully he'll get the message soon that he's blown it especially once his DM knows

I would tell him he either fucks off out of the house and leaves you alone or you will tell his tart on the sides husband and put it all over fb about what a cheating dick he is. If he doesn't leave, follow through on said threat. He'll fuck off though hopefully so you won't have to.

How are you getting on Coronade? Have you told his mum now and how are the kids? x