Struggling

[123xo321]

My boyfriend has been depressed for a long time
He’s lost a lot but I’ve helped him through everything
We’re supposed to be getting married
However, last month I noticed he was messaging other girls and one message was “I’ll always have love for you”
And obviously I got angry about it but I’ve sort of forgiven him
However, recently he keeps saying he’s going to milk himself and if I tell his family or ring the police or do anything then his deaths on my hands. I feel so helpless :(
This has happened a few times now

It’s just so hard
I love him so much and I do feel like everything is my fault
Even to the point he “lost” his job because “he was off for a week” because I crashed the car :( I felt like if I hadn’t crashed he wouldn’t have lost it.

I can always see the good in him, can always I always think he’s going to improve

Love, you sound lovely but it's time to go. It's a toxic relationship where you've allowed an abusive man to take an advantage from you

This is a handy checklist for abusive relationships

Psychological abuse can look like:
1 Humiliating or embarrassing you.
2 Constant put-downs.
3 Hypercriticism.
4 Refusing to communicate.
5 Ignoring or excluding you.
6 Extramarital affairs.
7 Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
8 Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
9 Unreasonable jealousy.
10 Extreme moodiness.
11 Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
12 Saying “I love you but…”
13 Saying things like “If you don’t , I will_.”
14 Domination and control.
15 Withdrawal of affection.
16 Guilt trips.
17 Making everything your fault.
18 Isolating you from friends and family.
19 Using money to control.
20 Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
21 Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

Your posts have the majority if not all 21 signs in them.

You need to tell your parents NOW what is happening and let them support you and kick his arse out. If you had a child who was abused, how would you feel about having the abuser live rent free in your home while abusing your child?

Go and speak to your Mum.

He will not improve. You are not responsible for him. He has kept you in isolation so he can do as he pleases. You need to be brave and tell both families what is going on. This situation will destroy your mental health. Please don't fall for his threats - let his family deal with him.

He'll drag you so far down you won't recognise yourself. You need to love YOURSELF.

*of you not from you obviously

By the way he doesn't want your parents to know because that way he has you where he needs to have you. Vulnerable and shamed into silence. This is NOT your shame. Speak to your parents.

Link to the signs of abuse I posted above

psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

Op, abusive men often say they will kill them selves: it,is a way of controlling you and keeping you in line.

If he commits suicide - which he won’t - it will NIT BE YOUR FAULT.

He’s responsible for his actions, not you.

Tell your family know what’s happening- tell them what he’s been threatening. I’d pack his stuff up and get him out of your parents’ house. Cancel the wedding, for God’s sake.

Do the Freedom Prigramme so you can build better boundaries in future relationships.

You deserve a lot more than this waste of space.

OP, if you are seriously concerned about his mental wellbeing, you really should call 999 and alert emergency services - that's the best way he'll get help. From what you've said, with his background, he could truly be suicidal. You can always get your dad to do it if you don't feel able to. And still call 999 if he comes back to your house - he needs to be seen.

And look after yourself - even if he's mentally unwell, no one should have to receive the kind of loaded comments you've got from him. You don't deserve that. Don't be alone tonight, go see your family if you need to, make sure you do open up and listen to their thoughts.

Bet he isn't telling which friend - because he is either with another woman or wants you to worry that he might be.

He's a manipulative git. Change the locks while he is gone and take this as an opportunity to end things.

As others are a telling you, he is behaving like an abuser. And there's no excuse for that.

He doesn't need an ambulance and OP is with her family. He is not suicidal, he's out with his mates, while OP sits manipulated by him to keep quiet.

He's got you dangling at the end of a very long fishing line...
Get rid of him. He sounds cruel and manipulative. You can do better.Much better.

But he keeps just threatening to kill himself and blame me for it

Why do you think that that is?

Sounds like manipulative blackmailing behaviour to me rather than genuine depression.

If you can't escape from the narrative of "I love him and things are my fault", then develop that into "I'm not who he needs, I'm going to let him go."

Tbh, there are grains of truth in that way of thinking. But I must admit my motive is to get you away from him, because I think you'll see him clearer then, and yourself too.

Thank you for all your support
Things have not improved at all :(

What's going on?

Sorry to hear that, OP.

How do you feel about leaving him? Have you been single much? I had some great years being single - just after I left an abusive arse, funnily enough!

Well they aren't going to improve unless you do something about it. He isn't going to magically become a good person, ever.

You gotta find your strength and end it.

You are not married. You are free and your life is ahead of you. Set him free and run xxx

When he stayed out last night, he just said to me

“I had went out and bought lots of tablets but I didn’t take them because of you”

Please do NOT marry this man. He is ABUSING you. Talk to your parents - let them help you out of this relationship. If you marry him, his behaviour will get worse. And worse again if you were to have children together. This is not how a relationship is supposed to be. He is toxic. You deserve infinitely better than this. Millions of people deal with extremely stressful situations day in, day out and they do NOT leave their jobs, cheat on their partners or go AWOL. He will not kill himself. He is just playing on your love and good nature. And you may feel like you love him but blow that flame out. It is not serving you - take your love back and keep it for someone who treats you right. You have to love yourself more than this. You only have one life - don’t waste it on this loser. Years from now you will look back at this moment and either be hugely pleased that you left or cursing yourself for not getting out when it was easy (ie before marriage and kids).

OP is he in contact with anyone like the Crisis Resolution Team in his area? Therapist?

Can you give me a better description of his mental health problems for example, does he shower, brush his teeth, wear clean clothes, wash his hair, sleep too much or too little? Is he hearing or seeing things that aren't there?

He's a manipulative git op. Read up on narcissists. Sometimes we think people are mentally Ill/depressed because they were fine when we met them but then - they change. The truth is, they aren't sick, they are just bad. And once they know you care for them, they drop the mask.

Even if he really is depressed, it wouldn't be an excuse to abuse you like this.

He isn't going to be who you initially cared for. That person is not coming back. If they ever existed at all. You cannot 'fix' him. He isn't broken. He's just a massive arsetit.

You are not his saviour or his condemner. Stop letting him make you think otherwise.

Remove him from your life and the fog you are under will start to lift.

I can always see the good in him

You see your own good reflected back at you in his eyes. Not his.

His kind project themselves onto you. Make you the bad one. The old switcharoo.

He isn't good. He's a predator who acts like his prey in order to fool it into trusting. Then, like the Leach, latches on and sucks you dry.

You can't fix him, but you can fix yourself - by getting him out of your life. He'll make you ill if you don't take action. He is responsible for himself and his issues. He's using and controlling you. Please realise this.

You’re being abused and you’re letting him abuse your mum by him living in her house like this. He’s taking the Mickey. Tell him to leave.

However much you love him, you have to ask yourself this question :
Is this how I want to spend the only life I have? Do I want to feel like this about my partner forever?

I’ve told him to get help but all his answer is “I don’t like talking to people about my feelings”
I’ve offered him doctors, crisis team, messaging people, talking to me and he refuses it all.