Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

IL FOG at Christmas

40 replies

NannaNoodleman · 27/11/2019 18:45

Have post here many times about ILs under other usernames and probably this one...

I went NC after Easter and dinnergate: they invited us to their house and didn't serve any food for me.

There's been a build up over 20 years of our relationship... that was just the final straw.

DH has seen them twice since with our two preschoolers, on neutral ground. We live +300 miles away from each other.

They've asked if they can visit our house before Christmas. DH said that we're busy but he'll take the kids to see them after Christmas. They obviously feel quite sad about not seeing their grandchildren before Christmas ... I feel quite horrible about it. I keep reminding myself of the reasons they can't possibly stay in my house or why I don't want to see them but I feel sorry for them.

But... if they come for a couple of days and they're on their best behaviour it won't take long before they worm their way back in and we descend back into a pattern of abuse from them again.

Urgh!!!!!

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 27/11/2019 18:58

You don't have any reason to feel horrible, they are the ones that should feel horrible for how they treated you.
They bought this on themselves. Stick to NC until a sincere apology for their behaviour is given. X

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/11/2019 19:01

Stay strong @NannaNoodleman, you have no idea if they are missing their grandchildren or using them as a way to get into your home and show you who is in control. I'd go for the latter option and enjoy the peace.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2019 19:10

Do not feel horrible about it

Why is your husband taking the children to see his parents at all given how they have repeatedly treated you. He seems also to be mired in fog

Do read and or post on the stately homes thread on these pages

Chunkers · 27/11/2019 19:20

I would stick to NC and also be a bit miffed that your DH doesn't have your back.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/11/2019 19:45

I'd stick to NC, but no way in hell would I allow the kids to see them either.

They get what they want, your DH with his children and you have magically disappeared?! Err, fuck that!

Giraffey1 · 27/11/2019 19:56

I remember your threads about how awfully they treated you. In your shoes, I would stay N C and def no visits from them to you. They miss seeing the grandkids? Tough, they should have behaved like decent human beings. Not sure how I feel about your H still seeing the ILs with the kids, what kind of message does this give them? That it is ok to be vile to you because it will lead to them still seeing their son and the children. That doesn’t feel right.

egontoste · 27/11/2019 20:17

Tell them they've got another think coming. If they wanted to see the grandchildren perhaps they shouldn't have treated their grandchildren's mother like shit.

If my ILs had behaved like that towards me, there is not a cat in hell's chance I would have ever let them near my dc.

SleepwalkingThroughLife · 27/11/2019 20:25

I'd feel sad if I was a shitty person too.

You sow, you reap etc.

Lollypop701 · 27/11/2019 20:30

They served a meal and acted like you didn’t exist!!!! If you see them now you might as well lay on the floor and put a sign in you to walk all over you forevermore. Personally you being ok with them seeing kids is further than I would go tbh

Quartz2208 · 27/11/2019 20:37

It is telling how bad it was @NannaNoodleman that you merely mentioning the previous incident and seeing your username made me remember your thread.

They were awful under no circumstances should you let them back into your house at all

Drum2018 · 27/11/2019 20:37

Do not have them come anywhere near your house. They've made their bed so let them lie in it. If they treat you so badly then they don't deserve to see your kids at all. Stop feeling guilty!

cptartapp · 27/11/2019 20:47

Think back to how they made you feel. More than sad I reckon. I wouldn't feel sorry for them. I would want to make them pay for their actions. The consequences of which would be keeping your door firmly closed to them.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 27/11/2019 20:57

Thank you! Thank you all so much!

DH and I had a big chat a month or so ago about why he's still engaging with them. We've had many talks about them previously. He admitted it is all about the FOG... or maybe just the FO for him!

He actually cares less about saying no to Christmas than I do. He said it's their own fault.

OP posts:
DBML · 27/11/2019 21:05

My grandparents were absolutely vile to my mother, but good grandparents to me. I never even knew there was an issue until long after they died.
My mother avoided them, was always in work when we visited or when they visited us, but we as grand kids still saw them weekly. It was never mentioned though.

I think my point is, that you clearly don’t get along and they are horrid to you...but what are they like with the children? Can you not encourage your DH to make the effort for the kids sake? If they were awful about the kids too, then I get it.

DBML · 27/11/2019 21:08

I’m so grateful to my mother, that she didn’t drag me into the dispute with my grandparents and allowed me to have a wonderful relationship with them.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 27/11/2019 21:15

As far as I have seen and as far as i have heard, they adore our children. That's why I'm not trying to stop them from seeing the children... that's up to DH.

DH has said he'll take them for a visit right after NY.

They are not welcome in my house.

I don't say anything negative in front of the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 27/11/2019 21:21

They weren't good parents to DH. They've spent a lifetime criticising him, they don't allow him to be himself, their love is conditional.

They adore the children and they are Disney grandparents. They lavish gifts on them and shower them with love.

But... they won't ever look after them, they've never changed a nappy, they don't discipline them, they don't enforce boundaries or routine... they just get to be fun!

... And, if I'm honest, that pisses me off but I'll never try to change my children's opinion of them. They will grow up thinking they had these awesome grandparents but in actual fact they are not that great.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 27/11/2019 21:30

Don't forget they have seen how their grandparents treated you, a good grandparent would never have done what they did with the meal. It was extremely disrespectful and that sort of behaviour is upsetting to children.

notthemum · 27/11/2019 21:30

Wow. You obviously have a shit load more patience and understanding than me.
How dare they treat you like that. As a previous poster said They will get their DS and their DGC and this is their goal.
Sorry but fuck that. No way on earth would I allow them access to my precious DC.
They chose to be vile let them revel in it alone
💐 And 🍷for you cos you deserve it.

wildflowersandweeds · 27/11/2019 22:48

Do they know that you're NC? Just with the distance, could they still think you're being a doormat for them? Have they ever apologised?
At the end of the day, they need to know that their actions have consequences. If you back down now, that consequence is that they get to see their son and grandchildren without you. This is the first time they've actually faced a negative consequence from their actions so you need to hold firm!

REignbow · 28/11/2019 02:09

Do not feel guilty. Why!

They have treated both yourself and DH, appallingly. Your DC are young...once they get older you do realise that they will treat them the same. Right?

Please continue to protect your DC from their dysfunction.

justilou1 · 28/11/2019 02:20

You are winning. Don’t feel guilty. Ever. As for your kids, you don’t actually want these jerks disciplining them anyway. The moment they think they can get away with that is when they also start on you and create more of a divide and conquer. I truly think that the less they see of your kids, the better. They will probably not be able to help themselves, but will snark about you in front of them anyway.

TowelNumber42 · 28/11/2019 02:27

Your DH is right.

When people behave badly they should feel bad.

When people try to use your children as leverage then you should be cross with them.

The DC will get the measure of their GPs as soon as the gifts become conditional and when the golden child and the scapegoat are selected.

champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 07:22

If they had been decent people and treated you like you existed and were not just a pod for there GC I may have considered you unreasonable. However these people treated you badly for years and in front of your DC who are still seeing them. For those saying your should facilitate contact , that is not OP responsibility that is her DH. He grew up with these people and has accepted he has FO. Why would you want your DC around people who are truly toxic, sadly the Disney GP remind me of my dad who always appeared with gifts and was the funeral parent and my DM openly mocked. Leave your DH to manage his parents . Sounds like your in the FO too after 20 yrs of being around these people.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/11/2019 07:30

Your children really should not be seeing such people; your kids need emotionally healthy grandparents and your H's parents certainly do not fit that bill.

A good rule of thumb here is that if the relatives are too toxic, difficult or plain old batshit to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too. He can continue to want to have a "relationship" with his abusive parents but that does not follow that your kids or you have to (and you have already done this).

I thought your DH was mired in FOG and sadly I am correct. His own inertia re his parents and guilt also drives this process of him taking his children to see them and its a huge error of judgment on his part also. They were not good parents to him and they are certainly not good examples of grandparents for your children to be at all seeing now. He is basically appeasing his parents and still seeks their approval via him taking the kids, approval they will never give him. These people too likely have a lot of disposable income and will harm your children in front of their son's very eyes because they will continue to buy their hearts and minds. It also sends the children confusing and mixed messages. Do not keep on giving your tacit approval to putting these children in their direct line of fire.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.