IL FOG at Christmas

[NannaNoodleman]

Have post here many times about ILs under other usernames and probably this one...

I went NC after Easter and dinnergate: they invited us to their house and didn't serve any food for me.

There's been a build up over 20 years of our relationship... that was just the final straw.

DH has seen them twice since with our two preschoolers, on neutral ground. We live +300 miles away from each other.

They've asked if they can visit our house before Christmas. DH said that we're busy but he'll take the kids to see them after Christmas. They obviously feel quite sad about not seeing their grandchildren before Christmas ... I feel quite horrible about it. I keep reminding myself of the reasons they can't possibly stay in my house or why I don't want to see them but I feel sorry for them.

But... if they come for a couple of days and they're on their best behaviour it won't take long before they worm their way back in and we descend back into a pattern of abuse from them again.

Urgh!!!!!

Didn't give you any food

The kids will see through their crap eventually. Don't feel guilty, keep reminding yourself it's FOG and don't fall into the trap. Remind yourself of what they've done that means they're NC. Let your DH take the kids after Christmas.

Re your comment:-

"They will grow up thinking they had these awesome grandparents but in actual fact they are not that great".

Honestly nanna they will not. Toxic grandparents are indeed worse than no grandparents. It’s not good for the children to see their grandparents bully you and DH and for neither of you to assert yourselves.

Appeasement like your H is practising (because he really is that afraid of them, far more so than he ever would be of you) does not work with such people and your children will be emotionally harmed if he further allows his parents access. He still wants their affirmation and approval and this also drives his visit to them after Christmas.

And your H needs therapy because he will not even begin to start healing from his hidden hurt without it.

I remember you thread too. Hideous behaviour from hideous people. Just say no.

DH taking them in the NY is the perfect solution and already been relayed to them.

That’s it.

What Attila says - toxic parents/ILs make toxic grandparents.

They treated you appallingly, some strange power play going in with your OH in the middle.

My advice would be that this year they do not have access / contact at all. Would your OH consider that?

Meh - before Christmas, after Christmas, what's the big deal to them? Why is before Christmas such a big deal? The kids will be happy with their gifts whenever they get them. They're emotionally blackmailing you - don't succumb.

I went back and read your thread about the food. I think you should read it too.

I think your DH should meet his parents somewhere neutral with the kids and not leave them alone with them. They will use every opportunity to bad mouth you and manipulate them. They sound utterly vile.

They'll be adoring wonderful grandparents until your children start to have minds of their own. That's when the poison will start. In your position I would keep my children away from those awful people.

I too went back to read your thread about the food. Truly awful and I’m so glad you and DH came to the point when you realised enough was enough.
It seems you have come so far this year with the contact on neutral ground etc, why would you want them to come to your house/see them? PLEASE don’t feel sorry for them.
It seems to be this is the first ‘test’ for you and your DH, and if you give into their ‘demands’ you will be right back to almost square one. It’s hard for your DH I get that, but ‘No M&D we can’t see you then, we’ll see you after Christmas as i suggested’ repeat and repeat and repeat is the only way.
Good luck OP we are all standing strong with you.

^*and if you give into their ‘demands’ you will be right back to almost square one.

*^
until your children start to have minds of their own.

These things do concern me.

I think DH has a long way to go before he'd go NC. They're very manipulative and play the victim at a professional level.

Nanna, are your DC quite young?

The reason I'm asking is that my toxic mother was the epitome of Cuddly Disney Granny with her grandchildren until they got a little older - I'm talking eight and nine years old here - and had developed their own likes, dislikes, and (shock, horror) independent thought. Then the toxicity revealed itself again.

There's a school of thought that such parents/grandparents have never progressed beyond a very early stage of emotional development and that's why they get on so well with very young children. Older children? Not so much. And adult children, not at all.

I'm with Attila and SkintbutOK on this. Time for you and your DH to plan and enjoy your own family Christmas and New Year, contact-free.

They are preschooler/toddler age... that sounds about right. Their interactions are very cause and effect, they don't really talk to the kids or ask them about their lives, it's all teasing and chasing etc.

I remember the 'no food for you' thread and agreed then that NC was the way to go.

Thing is, right now your DC are really too young to be affected by their toxicity. BUT it won't be long before they're old enough to pick up on what may appear to be 'throwaway' comments about you. Is DH strong enough to nip that in the bud? To pick up DC and leave on the spot the minute they say something negative? Because that needs to start right now, before DC are old enough to understand. And if he's not strong enough then I'd be having doubts about him taking them at all.

Where will he stay if/when he goes to visit? Because I wouldn't want them staying at the iLs.

Then I'm sorry, Nanna, because I could write the script for you from here on in.

their love is conditional.

Ohh yes. And the moment your children are old enough to say or do something that doesn't fit the tightly bound narrative, you will see the casual cruelty unfold towards them. That day isn't too far away and it's heartbreaking when it happens. You will see the look of uncomprehending hurt on your children's faces because they will not understand why things have changed in the flash of an eye and you will find it harder to keep them safe because they have been encouraged to form a loving bond with their toxic grandparents.

Somehow, you must get through your DH's FOG and get him to see that.

Please, for your children's sake, keep them away and keep them safe. It's the only way to break the cycle of abuse - because abuse it is, the type with invisible scars.

Awful people.
Stay strong