Is this obsessive regarding calls?

[SheepGoesBaa]

I've been with my partner for nearly three years. There's something he does that annoys me. It's about calls. We don't live together. He stays over about twice a week. We phone and chat about twice a day. In the mornings and again in the evenings.

There's something a bit off with the evening calls. He might ring about 7pm. I'm usually, more than likely still in work at that time. Most evenings I am. Sometimes I answer in work, sometimes I don't get a chance. The problem with me is, if I don't pick up, he keeps phoning. Like every, 10,15 or 20 minutes, he will phone again. The problem is, there are times when I'm still in work until 8 or after that and I'm just not able to answer.

Yesterday evening, I finished up at about 8. I walked home in the cold and dark and rain and at about 8.15, he rang again for the 4th time in the evening. I wasn't going to answer my phone then because it wasn't appropriate with no street lights in the area, it was pitch black. I got in home and I had the kettle just boiled for a cup of tea and there is was phoning me again.

When I eventually picked up, near 9 and after a cup of tea, he had nothing urgent to tell me.

The calls are beginning to stress me out. I think the calls are obsessive and a bit on the controlling side. He knows I'm in work. He knows what I do. I'm not walking around the park with my phone glued into my hand.

I don't think calling someone four times in two hours is obsessive. Just tell him that you will call him when your able to talk.

How does he respond when you tell him this?

Have you actually spoken to him about it? Why not come to the agreement you will call him

Do you text him to say you can't talk and will call him when you're home?

I find it a bit odd but then I've occasionally called DP a bunch of times because it's urgent

Have you spoken to him about it?

Just say to call at nine each day,

Sometimes people need to be contacted before they get home - "Can you get me a bottle of wine on the way home please" sort of thing. I know you didn't see his yesterday so it wasn't this sort of request.

Can't you just ask him to call at 9pm every day to save him the trouble of checking in with you every 15-20 mins?

I personally think that a controlling/obsessive person would be calling far more often.

Maybe he's worried about you going home in the dark?

Yanbu to prefer talking to him once you're at home (it's not very professional to talk at work and being distracted on a phone could make you a target for crime) Maybe there's a compromise here like a quick text once you're done with an ETA or offer to call him when you get home?

Can you text him the first time he calls? Just say I’ll call when I’m home. If he persists then it’s controlling.
Or just arrange to call at say 9pm.
Two calls a day is a bit excessive but I’m old and my ex didn’t have a phone in his house when we started dating so I’m not up to speed with what’s normal now.

I've haven't spoken to him about it. I don't know of its controlling or just being senseless. When I phone someone and I don't get answer, I don't keep phoning them. I presume they are busy.

Sometimes if I get a chance I will text him to say I'm busy and will phone him back when I get a chance. There are times when he gets that message and decides to phone me right there and then while the phone is still in my hand and he would know it after a text. Sometimes I don't text him back at all because it might be easier like that.

Work can be so unpredictable. Sometimes I might finish for 7 or 8 or 9 or sometimes later so every evening is different.

Not sure why you didn't text him and say I'm leaving work I'll call you when I'm home.
Or if he leaves work first why you don't tell him your call when your free.

I would find that intrusive - why does he not just wait for you to call him back? I would also find a morning call and an evening call intrusive. I agree with what Lllot says.

Just read your update - that is very needy and quite controlling - you basically text that you will call him and he calls you there and then for attention? Good grief, no.

Everyone knows that a missed call gets registered. A callee then knows you've tried and it's in their court to phone back.
So why keep calling? Needy or controlling?

We don't live together so he's not phoning to ask me to bring home milk, bread, wine, etc.

A lot of the time, he himself is working for these calls and he's not phoning to see if. I need a lift home from work.

I don't know of its needy or controlling or being completely senseless.

I do try and phone him back when I get a chance but there are evenings when I am genuinely busy and I could easily get 4 or 5 calls in the space of an hour or an hour an half. There was an ev8last week, where I counted 6 calls.

Have people not read properly? It's not a one off.

I think it’s weird and inappropriate. If you get a text saying someone will call you back later when it’s convenient, ringing them immediately is rude. He completely ignores what you have clearly said because he wants to talk and that trumps whatever’s you’re doing? No thanks. This sounds like a symptom of some really unpleasant personality traits. Listen to your instincts.

^evening last week

He sounds very needy. That would annoy the hell out of me.

I'd tell him to cut it out.

I think the point is it's stressing you out and causing you to change your behaviour to try and avoid it.

Why haven't you asked him to stop? What makes you hesitate?

I would send a message after the first call saying "Busy at the moment, will call when I can." If he still kept calling I would not be happy

I don't get why you haven't spoken to him about it?

If someone doesn't pick up when I call, I don't call back as they can see they've missed my call.

Unless it's a landline, he is being pretty full on so I think you probably need to speak to him about it. How he reacts to that will tell you quite a lot.

That would drive me insane. You need to speak to him about it though. If he doesn't know how you feel about it he can't change it.

This would drive me up the wall. I don’t call my Dp at work unless it’s an emergency . Because , you know , he’s paid to work.

If I want him to pick up milk etc I text him. Then he can reply when it’s a suitable time.