Is this obsessive regarding calls?

[SheepGoesBaa]

I've been with my partner for nearly three years. There's something he does that annoys me. It's about calls. We don't live together. He stays over about twice a week. We phone and chat about twice a day. In the mornings and again in the evenings.

There's something a bit off with the evening calls. He might ring about 7pm. I'm usually, more than likely still in work at that time. Most evenings I am. Sometimes I answer in work, sometimes I don't get a chance. The problem with me is, if I don't pick up, he keeps phoning. Like every, 10,15 or 20 minutes, he will phone again. The problem is, there are times when I'm still in work until 8 or after that and I'm just not able to answer.

Yesterday evening, I finished up at about 8. I walked home in the cold and dark and rain and at about 8.15, he rang again for the 4th time in the evening. I wasn't going to answer my phone then because it wasn't appropriate with no street lights in the area, it was pitch black. I got in home and I had the kettle just boiled for a cup of tea and there is was phoning me again.

When I eventually picked up, near 9 and after a cup of tea, he had nothing urgent to tell me.

The calls are beginning to stress me out. I think the calls are obsessive and a bit on the controlling side. He knows I'm in work. He knows what I do. I'm not walking around the park with my phone glued into my hand.

To be fair to him though. My work isn't the best. I work for a family as a childminder/nanny. There are times when I go in, in the morning and there I am still working at 7 or 8 or 9 or later. To be fair to him, I should be finished with my days work at that stage.

And to be fair to you, if you've literally just texted to say you're busy and can't talk now he shouldn't immediately be trying to phone you. And to be fair to you this is stressing you out and you'd be more than reasonable to tell him to stop.

I would find that very annoying indeed. Why keep calling someone when you've already called once? Presumably he knows you will call him when you're free. I wouldn't keep calling someone I'd called earlier - unless it was one of my teens who was being an idiot.

However before labelling him controlling or needy, I think you just need to tell him that its annoying (and TO BACK RIGHT OFF! ). It could be that he's just bored after finishing work and fancies chatting. He might just not realise its irritating. Can't see there's much future for you if you cant just tell him that.

I take back my original answer.

If someone texts to say that they will contact you when they are ready then it's rude and bizarre to call them immediately.

I think that you should suggest that you are the one to call him in the evening as you're end time is variable and you wouldn't want him to wait or have a fixed time that you can call him.

It does not matter when you finish though (at least as far as he is concerned), he is not your time-keeper.
It is up to you to have the necessary conversation with your employer to ensure that you finish on time consistently (or at least get the time back). But that is for your well-being, not so that you are available to speak to him on the phone at 7.15 every evening or whatever.

I think it is needy and controlling and I suspect that once you tell him to stop that, he will find another way to ensure he has your attention. Maybe I am wrong, but he should not actually need to be told his behaviour is unreasonable.

This really seems like such a non issue.
You have to take some responsibility for it too if you haven't said anything to him about it.

This would be pretty normal among some couples, ring them and if they're busy ring back again when you think they might be free.

If you discuss it with him and he still keeps doing it then maybe you can see it as a controlling or obsessive issue, but until then it's not.

*if the variable finish times bother you, I mean - but it is none of his business

Ugh this would drive me mad. At best I would find it deeply unattractive. The only thing I can say in his defence is maybe if he's calling from a work phone he thinks he's saving you money by not waiting for you to call back. But calling after you've texted is rude and dismissive.

Does he work in sales by any chance? I have a friend who does this and it's a result of her work environment; she tends to be proactive about getting what she wants.

I think I would say "you know there is no need to keep phoning. I see your missed call. I will phone back when I'm able to talk. Please don't keep phoning."

If it continues then consider if something else is going on. Surely some evenings you have other things on? He shouldn't need to be aware of your every move.

So you know he's called a few times.. But you wait till your home and had a cup of tea before getting in touch with him!! That would so piss me off. All it takes is a message saying I'm at work /leaving work at this time and I'll call you at this time. But you wait and wait and then wait some more before replying. Feels like a power thing your end

For what it's worth ... my ex was like this. I told myself I was being unreasonable and horrible at times. But in the end I left him a what I reported to the police (not everything) left him with a criminal conviction and a restraining order (which he hates)

Listen to your gut. It's telling you something. I wish I had.

Sounds controlling especially given the nature of your job. You can't stop in the middle of childcare for a chat. Tell him to stop it - you have the right to make your own demands - and if he keeps on then you might have to let this one go.

Do you really want to talk to him daily both morning and night?

I would firmly tell him not to call you until after 9pm. Your ending hour is variable. He should know that by now.

I think all of this can be resolved with a simple conversation. Communication is so important... what’s the harm in just explaining to him you don’t like the repeated calls and coming up with a mutual solution?

I really can't stand being bombarded like that. I'd have blocked his number by now.

I've haven't spoken to him about it. I don't know of its controlling or just being senseless.

It doesn’t matter why he does it, you don’t like and that’s reason enough to tell him. What I find very strange is that you haven’t told him of your annoyance. I question the health of a relationship where you’re reluctant to have such a basic conversation.

I would have a firm word with him and say it needs to stop (frankly, I think even expecting to speak to someone every day is too much - sometimes people are busy, with friends or family, want a quiet evening, whatever - I don’t necessarily even speak to my dh every evening if we aren’t in the same place). If it doesn’t stop, I would end the relationship over something like this. It’s rude and disrespectful. I can’t I imagine calling anyone repeatedly 4 times in an hour unless I was having some sort of emergency or I thought they were dead. It sounds controlling and like he’s checking up on you.