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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My bestfriend has finished with me?

58 replies

Kearaleigh12 · 27/11/2019 13:27

So iv been bestfriends with this girl since we where in year 5, we're now 21. Both have kids, I have 2, she has 1 and is pregnant. Iv been with my partner 8 years and her for 1 year.
Pretty much since she's been with her boyfriend iv seen maybe 3 times and is used be like 3 times a week. We still spoke ever day and had a good friendship, id always be asking to do things and she agreed but when it came to it she had an excuse not to.
I posted something on my Snapchat story about a nursery that had some abuse in it with my caption been "and people wonder *DS isn't in nursery yet". Obviously not aimed at anyway one.
Anyway she messages me going on about how I'm penalising her for putting her DS in nursery from a young age and how my kids are going to be to reliant on me, and how hurt she is that iv posted that.

I was so confused, so just told her that it wasn't aimed at anyone and I don't know why she's so upset about it. A couple of days after she messaged me saying she wants to end things between us and doesn't want end bad blood. I said yeah fine, sorry if I made you feel a type of way. Her boyfriend blocked me and my partner on everything after this and so did she except Instagram.
She was my only friend.
My partner just says I shouldn't let it bother me and that she was a crap friend to me anyway.
But does it sound like im in the wrong??

OP posts:

Fuzzywig · 27/11/2019 13:31

From what you have said no. It’s obviously hit a nerve maybe hormones or new boyfriend are playing a big part.

As she sent the message a few days later she has obviously had time to think about it. To block you and cut all ties seems to be a massive overreaction.

Original poster

Kearaleigh12 · 27/11/2019 13:38

Do I message her and ask what's going on and what I did that's so bad?

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 27/11/2019 13:39

Well...it could be read as you saying that because of abuse that happened in a nursery, anyone who cares about their child's safety wouldn't trust a nursery, as evidenced by the fact that you yourself don't trust your child to a nursery. So by inference, she probably felt you were judging her sending her child to a nursery and possibly putting her own child at risk. You didn't need to have aimed it personally at her or anyone else, but anyone who has a child at nursery was probably going to feel at least a little judged by your comment. A good friend would probably just have said "steady on, my DC is at a great nursery and it's right for them, they're not all hotbeds of abuse you know" and then make up and move on.

It sounds like the two of you were already growing apart for her reaction to be as extreme as to cut ties. Friends come in and out of your life at different seasons and for different reasons. I would apologise, say it wasn't meant to come across as judging her or anyone else, and leave it at that. She may get in touch again, she may not. But you go out and make new friends!

TheReluctantCountess · 27/11/2019 13:41

Your comment about nursery was passive aggressive, and could hit a nerve for people who have to put their children into childcare. I understand that you didn’t mean it like that, but I would have taken it that way too.
Parenting is a mine field as everyone is just doing their best, and it is so easy to feel criticised or like you are doing a bad job.

crustycrab · 27/11/2019 13:41

It sounds like maybe you've done and said things that made her feel you were judging her and she's had enough.

To put that on social media with a judgey "my parenting is better than yours" comment shows a massive lack of insight and empathy into other people's lives.

I'd like to hear her side of the story

MrsMaiselsMuff · 27/11/2019 13:42

Your post was pretty sanctimonious. Are you suggesting that parents who use childcare are leaving their children open to abuse? If not, what did you mean?

TooDamnSarky · 27/11/2019 13:44

Your post was very hurtful. You should take a moment to think before you post.

crustycrab · 27/11/2019 13:45

You also seem to have it in for the boyfriend. I wonder if you made some judgemental, passive aggressive things as she got together with him. You have 2 kids with the same person and she is pregnant with her second to a different man.

I don't believe you've not used social media or the messages you're sending every day to let her know that you think you're superior.

gingergittable · 27/11/2019 13:51

Your post was VERY passive aggressive, judgy and goady. I didn't send ds to nursery because I think he was better off at home but I would never dream of posting what you did. If you honestly couldn't see that I was bound to upset people and make them feel guilty then you really need to take a step away from social media because it was pretty tone deaf.

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2019 13:51

Your post and comment about the nursery being investigated over child abuse, was horrible. Think for a minute here. You've basically said in a passive aggressive way that parents who place kids in nurseries, do not care about their safety. That was a silly thing to do. I'm not surprised she cut you off. Some people have to go to work because they need the money, therefore are dependent on nurseries.

Lindy2 · 27/11/2019 13:55

Your post about the nursery was unnecessary and unreasonable. You are basically saying anyone who uses childcare is putting their child at risk of abuse and that you are a better parent for not using a nursery. Do you work and have family care for your children or are you a SAHM? Perhaps those are not options for her. Also, by the way, most child abuse is committed by family members which makes your nursery post even more pointless. I imagine she was very upset by your post and has taken it personally.

However, the sudden change in her socialising pattern since being with her boyfriend is concerning. Perhaps your friendship was already reaching a natural end, perhaps she prefers spending time with her boyfriend rather than you or perhaps he is putting pressure on her to not see her friends. If it's the latter then that would be a worry.

StrayWoman · 27/11/2019 13:55

Well, if you posted it's a wonder why people put their kids in nurseries knowing her child WAS, then yes that's PA. You're criticizing her choices.

Grumpelstilskin · 27/11/2019 13:57

I held off replying as first poster because I was really irritated by your total lack of basic social awareness. There are frequent posts by MNetters about so-called girlfriends who always put them down, make snide comments and passive-aggressive digs. You are THAT bad, false friend!

hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2019 13:57

Sorry OP, but this sums it up for me
To put that on social media with a judgey "my parenting is better than yours" comment shows a massive lack of insight and empathy into other people's lives
It was very insensitive of you to post that.
Hundreds and thousands of people use nursery's every day.
It does come across as bit sanctimonious I'm afraid.
Think before your post anything in future.
As in, literally THINK
T - Is it True
H - Is it Helpful
I - Is it Inspriring
N - Is it Necessary
K - Is it Kind
Then go from there.
You are allowed to share your opinions and views. It's a free country.
But think about who it might hurt if you do.

gingergittable · 27/11/2019 13:58

If I'd ever posted anything like you did I'd absolutely expect some friends to cut me off. Especially the ones that sent their babies to nursery while desperate to stay at home with them. It was a cruel and cunty post op.

MB25 · 27/11/2019 14:04

This is why social media is a nightmare. You have to be so careful what you share and post as so much can be taken the wrong way or upset and anger people. Not to sound patriotnising but you're both so young still and friends since you were children, people change as they grow and falling out it normal. I'm 39 and my best friend and I friends since we were 11. At 21 we fell out over a drunken argument over nothing, we'd be drifting anyway as once grew up we seemed to have nothing in common and I had moved away. Four years later she invited me to her wedding, I went and we ran to each other crying, fell into a ditch and laughed hysterically whilst getting pulled out, never spoke of argument again and we're now closer than ever. If its meant to be it'll recover xx

foamrolling · 27/11/2019 14:06

I agree with the others. Your post was thoughtless and unpleasant and, quite honestly, a bit stupid. If you have a habit of posting stuff like this - particularly about nurseries and working parents - then I can see why she's had enough. I applaud her honesty raising it with you rather than just letting the friendship fade.

Rainycloudyday · 27/11/2019 14:15

Horrible thing to post and as a PP said, it actually shows a lot of ignorance because children are far likely to be victims of abuse at home than in a nursery setting. I’m not surprised she’s backed off from you. Really doesn’t post you in a good light!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2019 14:19

I’d be pretty hurt by that tbh. I think you have to accept her feelings. The fact that you have seen her so rarely since she got together with her partner would be a bit of a question mark to me though. Is she the sort of person to be in love and ignore her friends or has he been encouraging her to distance herself from you? If this is the case, you’ve just handed him a gift.

Thestrangestthing · 27/11/2019 14:19

So will you never be putting your child into nursery then OP? Will you home school?

Scarydinosaurs · 27/11/2019 14:22

You can say what you want about nurseries- of course you’re free to do that.

But she’s also free to feel as if you have judged her, and to dislike what you’ve written.

If you don’t have many friends maybe think about how much you prioritise your freedom to ‘speak your mind’ over the feelings of others.

TheOrigFV45 · 27/11/2019 14:23

Who was your post aimed at then?

TheHootiestOwl · 27/11/2019 14:25

There was no need to post that. Who cares if it was aimed at anyone? It just comes across as sanctimonious and judgey.

As a pp said abuse is more likely to happen by family members or people known to the child.

There was no need for you to say that.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2019 14:26

Do I message her and ask what's going on and what I did that's so bad?
NO - you message her and apologise profusely for being so lacking in judgement by posting something like that. Explain that you really didn't think it through and who it might hurt and that you've taken it down and you now realise how offensive it is.

Then - hope she forgives you!

Pinkbonbon · 27/11/2019 15:28

I see how your post could have been misconstrewed...but not by a friend who knows you. A friend surely would know you didn't mean to judge others and were just expressing your own reasons for avoiding bursaries.

So either she really doesn't get you as a friend. Or youve made her feel judged in the past and not been the friend to her you think you have. Or...partner is trying to alienate her from her friends so has convinced her you were taking a jab at her maybe.

I think it's best to just let it go. An 'amicable split' in a friendship is better than a messy one.

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