What does it mean prioritising your partner?

[Nelgililleline]

Hello, dear MN users.

I just discovered myself thinking about the topic. What does it really mean? Putting my partner first in every situation? How?

I mean.. I feel like all of those aspects in my life are equally important - my partner, work, hobby, friends, my own time. Really, like equally important. I have a tough time understanding the concept of prioritising someone or something all the time. Sometimes work, friends and hobby take up most of my time, other times I spend most of the time with my partner. He says he feels like an option when I deal with hobby and friends and less with him, but hobby dictates dates of performances/competitions (I have cut them less compared to the time I was single, he attends most of these events though.) and with friends I meet on average once per 2 months (I have three different female groups (no male partners have ever attended these) of friends and we meet when all or most of the group members can participate, sometimes happens that I do not meet friends 3 months in a row and then all three groups fall in the same month) so if the hobby performances and friends suddenly fall all on the same time - yes, I have less time for my partner. At other times, though, we spend a lot of time together. Still, we always communicate throughout the day and we have each night at least two hours to catch up (even during busy times), we do things together weekends, we have joint vacations etc. We live together.

So what does prioritising mean? I feel all these things are important to me, I do not want to cut back on anything. By the way, he does not meet with his friends basically ever and he has no hobby.

I think he needs to get out and get a life of his own to learn how to make that statement with some actual context. Otherwise he’s being controlling.

It’s very easy to say all things are of equal priority. This is usually correct but not in all circumstances. Front line responders know politeness and compassion are equally important skills in their job. But we if someone flatlines they go running / blue light regardless of what they were doing or how important it was.

Seems to me you could schedule time for your partner as much as your hobby. He may think he is last in the diary.

I don’t see how all of those things can be equally as important. You presumably wouldn’t prioritise your hobby over your work? I also wouldn’t want to feel as important as my DHs friends... surely the point is that you feel special to each other? Your partner sounds like he feels maybe the time he spends with you is dictated by your schedule although lots of men seem happy with a very limited social life or to have their social life organised for them.

If you both prioritise each other, you are both still being treated as equally important. It's just a nicer more selfless way of living your life.

Sounds like you actually see each other plenty! Not every couple has time for a solid two hours together every evening, and the amount of time you see friends/do hobbies doesn’t seem much at all: even if occasionally it all falls in the same week, what’s the issue?

What’s his life like? Does he have one? Friends, hobbies, work? It would wear on me pretty quickly if I felt like however much I saw my husband it was never enough and I felt like he was resentful of me seeing my friends and doing the things I enjoy. Also given that you do seem to have a lot of time together I’d worry he’s starting to become a bit controlling and needy. But I guess over time you’ll find out whether you’re just incompatible in terms of how much you want to be together, some couples like to be joined at the hip daily and others are far more relaxed. It’s important not to let a relationship take over your entire life and crucial I feel to make sure you still have a lovely life aside from the relationship with friends and hobbies and interests. It makes you a more well rounded interesting attractive person, means if something were to happen to your relationship you still have a good life anyway and can bounce back more quickly, and it’s just not good to give up on your own stuff for someone else. The happiest couples I know are where both partners have a good social circle, hobbies, interests, as well as their relationship.

I suppose more specifically to your question means that whilst you ensure he feels valued, he should recognise your needs and at times happily take a backseat so all your needs, including outside of your relationship are met ie encourage you to socialise with your mates and not yap about it.

I don’t think it’s so much about prioritising as it is about supporting each other. It’s not possible (or healthy) to put your partner first in all situations. But you do need to support them, consider the effect of certain things on them, etc.

It’s a bit different if you don’t have children because you both have a bit more freedom and the prioritisation of things like work, friends, interests shouldn’t really have that much of an impact on a partner. For example, I have a career that has quite a big impact on my family life, long hours, working away. That to some extent takes priority (if I didn’t do that, there would be no other way to have the career I enjoy, there aren’t easier, local options). Because of that, I prioritise dh and dc above friends and hobbies, etc because it’s the only way to have a quality family life and healthy work life balance. When I am travelling or working late, dh has to be with dc and can’t also work late or go see friends or do something he enjoys. Your partner surely can though, without needing to be home cooking and cleaning and putting children to bed. Dh and I pretty much see each other Friday to Sunday (we see each other every night but just to get dc to bed and go to bed ourselves). Those are the only nights we really have one on one time for a couple hours. We both rarely go out on the weekends because seeing each other is a priority. That doesn’t mean we never do. Dh is going away this weekend with friends. I went away for a weekend last month, etc.

It sounds like maybe your partner needs to cultivate his own interests and friendships (or be happy in his own company), but then also you need to be sure you make the most of the quality time you do have together, you are supporting him in his interests, career, etc.

So.. I guess the issue is that I have a lot of things going on and these things are rather structured, i.e. indeed dictating my schedule (specific days of hobby classes, specific dates for competitions etc, very planned meetings with friends meaning that it's not "let's meet up tomorrow?" but rather "let's put a date into calendar from 6 weeks from now"). He doesn't have anything going on, basically never meets his friends, has no specific interests his keen to do on his own (rather he has things to do to just spend time when he is alone without me - watching TV and videos, reading news), no specific goals he wants to achieve.

So indeed, our entire life is dictated by my calendar.

I guess planning our time together as I plan everything else could help. Currently, we sometimes plan some day trip or so, but most of the time we just see what the evening-weekend brings, in the evenings we mostly sit in and watch TV and talk and on weekends go out and just chill in the city or in the nature or do things at home but we rarely plan these things up front. I would love to though, but it seems his not so keen on putting detailed plans in place. Perhaps I should suggest it, it could show him I want to spend time with him and he is important.

But still, yes all those things are equally important to me. And yes, as my work allows it, I have prioritised hobby sometimes, which means that for example if I have a competition in a foreign city and I must be away on a work day, then I will do it (but of course, I will do a bit more work upfront or later if needed to make it possible) and I have turned down some projects or tasks at work, knowing that during the specific time I would need more time for my hobby for example. But of course, it is so because my working conditions allow such situations. This is also why I like my job - it allows me some freedom.

I guess planning our time together as I plan everything else could help.

I think that’s sensible. Of course you should be able to have hobbies and see friends, as well as spend time with your DP. BUT from his point of view, it may seem like you make a big effort to plan your hobby/friend dates, but he’s around all the time so you just see him when you’re not busy with something else. That can make someone feel like they are not a priority.

I think if you show you’re putting as much effort into ensuring and planning time with him, as you put into the other commitments, that would help? So if you’ve just put a hobby or friends date in the diary, maybe your next step could be to put something with DP in the diary. Or if you want to be more spontaneous, just suggesting “why don’t we do X sometime” would show you’re thinking about spending time with him too.

I don’t think a hobby should be placed at equal standing with your partner and friends. It’s a hobby and therefore should be completed when you have spare time — if your DP is telling you he doesn’t feel like you have enough time for him, then you clearly don’t have time to do it. You can either listen and cut back and give him more time or you can ignore and watch as your relationship breaks down. It’s up to you reallt

If you and he set a date a month from now to spend time together, but a date came up for a competition for your hobby, would you cancel with your partner or try and rearrange with him?

If the answer is yes then he is a lower priority than your hobby. Prioritising means sometimes putting that thing/person first.

It sounds like he slots in around you and your other commitments and whilst i can see how that has come to happen I can see how he would feel like a low priority.

There are 2 non-negotiable hobby-related events per year, and additional 2 which are very important to me, but can be negotiable. All other (around 5-10, depends on the opportunities, per year) are negotiable – this means that when an opportunity arises, I consider whether it is ok with him or my other things to take these on (so some are turned down by me without consulting him knowing we already have plans or we have spent too little time together recently for example) or I consult with him and ask whether he thinks it’s fine if I attend - if he doesn't approve, I won't attend. Mostly, though, I turn them down without consulting him. When I was single I took all those opportunities and looked for even more, now I have chosen the most important ones to participate. I have dismissed all summer hobby events to spend more time with him during summer and vacation. If we have something planned, I will choose our plans (it has happened perhaps two-three times that we have had vague plans which could be moved to another weekend and the hobby event that suddenly came up has been something very special and I have mentioned it to him and he has told me that it is OK for me to attend if I want to and then we have moved our plans). The most important dates for the 2-4 events are known months prior the events.

If I make plans with friends (I see each group (3 groups altogether) on average every 2-3 months), I will tell my friends which dates are already full (including also those on which we have specific plans with my partner) and usually the meeting dates are set several weeks prior to the meeting itself and I tell my partner as soon as the date is set.

If I see that busier times at work are expected I will tell him as soon as I know it. For example, the entire November has been a nightmare at work, I saw it coming in the beginning of October and right away told him what to expect in November.

My hobby classes are each week on Mon and Wed. I prefer to attend these as much as possible, but if there is an event he wants to attend together with me, I will ditch my class and go to the event with him. Similarly, if I find something interesting for us both to attend and it falls on my class, I will ditch the class and suggest him we should go to the event.

I also have work—trips around 2-3 times per year, I will tell him right away when I know the date (these are known months before the trip).

But yes, we do not make much precise plans for ourselves. Maybe once-twice per month something is thoroughly planned. Other times we just suggest things to do during the day (like during workday either of us suggest “why don’t we walk home together after work”). So basically I know anyway that on every weekend we do something together, but whether we go on a walk, swimming or to the city is not planned until Saturday morning. Basically, it’s like – I feel like I do not have to plan things with him so specifically, because it is known that all the free time is spent together anyway. I have told him it previously, but he wasn't very happy about it. We planned our time when we were dating and did not live together, but now as we live together, it is natural that all other time is spent together (expect I would love to have some alone time other than with my hobby or friends as well – which I do not get, as he wants to spend all my “free time” with him).

So basically, I really want to pursue these other things and I feel like I do my best to consider him in my plans, but it also seems like he doesn’t see that or wants something else from me.

Still, I guess planning our time could be the answer. However, I also feel like he doesn't put much effort in it also. He knows (at least I think so?) that if we have specific plans made, I will choose our plans over the other potential plans so he could as well tell me he wants to "book" me for this or that date. But as I see that could be the answer, I will try to have a chat with him about it.

And it seems as he has no other things in his life going on except work, he kind of expects me to fill all his leisure time.

I don't quite understand your post/points. Treating each other as a priority in my mind means always having each others back, trying to be kind and considerate and when making decisions ensuring that it is agreed between you both if it affects you both. This is more so when you have kids and so if you do something then your partner minds the child/children. You should also back each other up in times of need and support each other. I don't think it has anything to do with hobbies tbh and don't see why you cant' just continue with hobbies. If your partner prefers to spend his time without hobbies then that is fine also. You seem kind of Judgy tbh that he doesn't have as many hobbies as you saying he has no goals, no friends and no interests implies that he is less than you and should just fit into your life. Maybe that's why he feels he is not a priority?

For example, the entire November has been a nightmare at work

I wonder if this is the answer. If you’ve been working really long hours, have you cancelled any of your planned hobby commitments or friend outings, or has all the time come out of time with your partner?

Also describing anything hobby related as “non negotiable” is a bit telling as to your priorities...

I'm not judgy, really, I just point out how our lives are different.

My point of the post is that currently indeed I really do not understand what does prioritising mean as he has suggested that he feels I do not prioritise him pointing out my activities outside the relationship. Therefore I am describing the situation and trying to understand what that means in my situation and what can I do to prioritise him.

From your update it sounds like you are pretty considerate and try to balance everything and take him into consideration.

I think as a PP pointed out, as he doesn't have much in his life he perhaps doesn't understand. If you're planning a couple of things a month together and spending the rest of your free time together that would suit me. But I too have a busy life and always have done. My DH is very similar, he has little beyond me and the DC's. I, however have quite a busy social life without him. In fairness though it's never been an issue to him.

Have you asked him to give you specific examples that might enable you to reassure him? If not that might be an idea. Otherwise I'd say that it sounds like you do quite a good job of balancing a busy life and him. Maybe he wants someone who is going to be as available time wise as he is? In which case, maybe you aren't suited if he can't bridge that gap.

There's so much more to life than just a partner and hats off to you for maintaining such a busy lifestyle which is clearly very fulfilling to you. I don't think I could be quite so busy and not collapse...

Has there been plans he's wanted to make that haven't suited you because of your other commitments or is he just bemoaning the fact that he has to watch TV by himself the odd evening?

He sounds quite needy to me, if you spend all that time together why does he begrudge you having hobbies?
Sounds like you've compromised by cutting down on events etc but he's still not happy.
My hobby is a way to de-stress and have some me-time, you can't be joined at the hip 24/7!
I'd feel quite suffocated if I was you.

Have you posted about him before? You moved in with him very quickly before realising how clingy and needy he was?

So you do a class every Monday and Wednesday then how many other nights a week are taken up with your friends, hobby events or work?

If you're out 2 nights a week and that's it then I think yanbu. If you're out 4 evenings a week and 1 day at the weekend then yabu.

You may well have 2 hours a night and weekends together but is that more because he doesn't go out much? How would your relationship look if his calendar was as full as yours?

So you would see your friends over going to work? Or your hobby over work? Probably not. They can't be the same priority it shouldn't be. For me it would be: partner & work, own time, then friends, then hobbies.

I agree he sounds needy and expecting you to provide his social life. You sound busy, active with a lot of interesting and varied hobbies & a wide circle of friends.

Quite honestly he sounds rather dull if he had no hobbies and no friends .

My DH & I lead very separate lives, we have different hobbies and interests and different sets of friends. Out of courtesy we check in with each other if we are out for the evening/weekend, (more important when our DS was younger), not seeking permission but just letting the other know what we are doing.

But in this example the DH seems to have no hobbies or friends, is he expecting the OP to stay home every evening just to keep him company ?.

The idea of your whole social lives being dictated by your calendar would probably annoy me as a partner because it would seem like always playing second fiddle to thinks my DP values more.

The fact the OP says some hobbies are "non negotiable" and describes relationship plans like this:
He knows (at least I think so?) that if we have specific plans made, I will choose our plans over the other potential plans so he could as well tell me he wants to "book" me for this or that date.
Gives me some sympathy for her DP actually.
I'd hate feeling like I have to schedule quality time with my DP and "book" their time. Sometimes it's just nice to be and chill and spend time without it being a case of "I'll see you around all my other priorities unless you book my attention"

Has there been plans he's wanted to make that haven't suited you because of your other commitments or is he just bemoaning the fact that he has to watch TV by himself the odd evening?
I wondered this.

It's clear they have different social patterns and that's fine, but as someone who likes their own space I'm picking up on the OP viewing investing in the relationship as some sort of obligation and her partner as someone she has to tick a box with rather than the relationship being an integral part of each others lives that builds each other up.