What does it mean prioritising your partner?

[Nelgililleline]

Hello, dear MN users.

I just discovered myself thinking about the topic. What does it really mean? Putting my partner first in every situation? How?

I mean.. I feel like all of those aspects in my life are equally important - my partner, work, hobby, friends, my own time. Really, like equally important. I have a tough time understanding the concept of prioritising someone or something all the time. Sometimes work, friends and hobby take up most of my time, other times I spend most of the time with my partner. He says he feels like an option when I deal with hobby and friends and less with him, but hobby dictates dates of performances/competitions (I have cut them less compared to the time I was single, he attends most of these events though.) and with friends I meet on average once per 2 months (I have three different female groups (no male partners have ever attended these) of friends and we meet when all or most of the group members can participate, sometimes happens that I do not meet friends 3 months in a row and then all three groups fall in the same month) so if the hobby performances and friends suddenly fall all on the same time - yes, I have less time for my partner. At other times, though, we spend a lot of time together. Still, we always communicate throughout the day and we have each night at least two hours to catch up (even during busy times), we do things together weekends, we have joint vacations etc. We live together.

So what does prioritising mean? I feel all these things are important to me, I do not want to cut back on anything. By the way, he does not meet with his friends basically ever and he has no hobby.

@Nelgililleline

Do you put your work as an equal priority to your partner? While it is important to enjoy our work it strikes me as strange that it would be on an equal footing to the person you love and have dedicated your life to.

You seem to have a very busy life, which I empathise with, I have a very busy life too. In the order of my life my partner and children come first, friends and extended family second and hobby and career third. This does not mean that I don't sometimes work long hours or prioritize my hobby on occasion. IT sounds like you don't have much room in your life emotionally for your partner, the fact that you even posted this shows a lack of understanding for his position.

In the grand scheme of things it's not really about the time you are spending doing these things, it's about someone feeling that they are important and cherished. If he feels that he is just another appointment on your calendar then that is not prioritising.

As I read this thread I was thinking if a man had posted this how many people would be saying "wow, your wife/girlfriend is so clingy" IMO there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your partner, not ALL your time but it is important to feel you come first in someone's life. I would feel like just an option in the above situation too, and rightly or wrongly I wouldn't like it.

AnastasiaBeverleyHills
You put that so much better than me.

Feeling valued and cherished and prioritised and valued isn't about number of hours in the calendar. It's an overall approach and emotional connection.

Wow you do loads together! What’s his problem?

And it seems as he has no other things in his life going on except work, he kind of expects me to fill all his leisure time

I think that he is being unreasonable to want you to be available for all of his leisure time. It sounds as though he is pretty passive and wants you to be responsible for his life

However you could ask him what "prioritising" him would look like - what is it that he wants to do that you don't/can't at the moment.

But if he wants you to give up the hobby you love just to spend additional hours vegging with him in front of the telly - nah - I wouldn't do that

Urgh, I couldn't cope with a man as whiny and vacant as this one sounds. There is a good chance you will get tired of him and his complete lack of interest (which means he isn't interesting) fairly soon, and it would be better if that happens before you have DC.
Because the other thing about vacant whiny men is that they can become quite unpleasant when DC arrive - because their partners (rightly) put the DC ahead of wiping the man's arse.

Also, I think more women should regard their partner as an equal priority along with their work, their friends and their hobbies. Women are still encouraged (wrongly) to put Pleasing Your Man before anything else. A life with a job you love, friends and a range of hobbies is a better, healthier life than one which is about nothing other than A Man. But men know, generally, that having interests as well as a job and a partner is part of a happy, balanced life: the trouble is that too many men see themselves as people and their female partners as somewhere between a pet, an accessory and a domestic appliance - so the woman should always put a man's needs and wishes ahead of her own.

I think more women should regard their partner as an equal priority along with their work, their friends and their hobbies. Women are still encouraged (wrongly) to put Pleasing Your Man before anything else

@ReanimatedSGB Definitely NOT what I meant. I meant PEOPLE in general shouldn't put work on an equal footing as their partner. This is absolutely not a feminist issue. It is a relationship issue. Men and Women should prioritise their partner above their work. I have two (very different) careers for reasons I won't go into because it would be outing for me. Both are all consuming and I am self employed in both. I still prioritise my family while loving and committing myself to my work. I love my work but I love my family more, and NOT because I'm a woman, because I am a human.

Yes a balanced life is absolutely essential but if you don't prioritise your relationship then don't expect it to last unless your partner is equally uninterested in it.

You make ur life sound like a work diary!!
Are you really that into him? Cos even the way you refer to him isn't very nice.

Ragwort you say you and your DH lead very separate lives. Is he not your best friend? My DH is my best buddy. I have other friends too but DH is totally my best buddy and greatest champion. We love to hang out together. A lot. We do things apart but by far our free time is spent together. I am not quite sure why everyone's DP isn't their favourite person and best friend.

But men know, generally, that having interests as well as a job and a partner is part of a happy, balanced life:

But then when those lives are discussed on here everyone criticises said men, demands to know how the women could have equal leisure time, when do the chores get done etc etc.

The fact is, the op can only do all of this and have a relationship is because her dp is free all of the time. If he was as busy as her they'd be like ships that pass in the night and never see each other.

How much time does she actually have for quality time with her dp?

But then when those lives are discussed on here everyone criticises said men, demands to know how the women could have equal leisure time, when do the chores get done etc etc.
Spot on here.
Guy sees friends once a week and does Saturday football training and he'e checking out of the marriage, should be at home, it's not reasonable to say the woman should also have hobby time because the world would fall in if she has a hobby one night a week.
Here we've got a woman with multiple evenings who places hobbies, work etc ahead of her relationship and the man expressing that he feels like a bit part is somehow whiny and clingy.
Bizarre.

The fact is, the op can only do all of this and have a relationship is because her dp is free all of the time. If he was as busy as her they'd be like ships that pass in the night and never see each other

That's the point isn't it. The OP can do all this because she knows her DP will be sat waiting to slot in around her, but thinks that's ok because he could"book" her if he wants to do things.
Even the whole way of discussing the relationship sounds like it's a bit of an inconvenience at times.

It's not that either are wrong in their outlook, but they don't seem compatible in terms of approaches to life and relationships.

I actually think it's ok to prioritise yourself sometimes. You can't pour from an empty cup and a happy fulfilled partner is a better partner than a miserable, exhausted one who always puts her partner first. Luckily my husband doesn't think I should put him above everything else and if he did I wouldn't have married him.

I agree Lionel. It's important to look after yourself. I'd find a needy DH to be draining and off-putting, and I also don't get the whole idolising and catering to your DP approach either. I like my space and independence, but in a relationship there has to be that emotional connection and value placed on the other person as well which is more than hours clocked up in the same room.

I guess I find the tone/approach in the OP's posts to be very much "this is my bubble and if you slot in great, if not then you need to stop being needy or book in with me".

The fact is, the op can only do all of this and have a relationship is because her dp is free all of the time. If he was as busy as her they'd be like ships that pass in the night and never see each other

^^This is spot on. OP is only in a relationship because her partner slots in her busy life. I suspect he knows this hence feels like he's not a priority. OP is not unreasonable to see her friends, have a hobby and work but it seems like time with her partner is basically any time that she's not doing the other stuff.

Men are regularly criticized on here for going training once a week and matches on Sat/Sun followed by the pub. It sounds like op doesn't really have time for a relationship and is quite emotionally detached based on her description of her partner.