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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband only getting help because of me

29 replies

rinseandrepeat101 · 26/11/2019 18:59

My H told me today that he was going to get help for his drinking problem, but only because it upsets me. He said he didn’t like me telling him what to do. Will he be successful if he believes he’s been made to go? I’ve never said that he needs to get help in an ultimatum, but I thought we’d both know for a while that he needed to.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/11/2019 19:00

He is wasting both of your time.

PeopleWhoRun · 26/11/2019 19:01

I think you should focus on the positive that you've encouraged him to get help.

Not sure AIBU is the best thread this could be on for advice. But definitely good that he's taking the first step

magoria · 26/11/2019 19:22

Does he actually think he has a drinking problem?

If not it is a waste of time.

Original poster

rinseandrepeat101 · 26/11/2019 19:26

I think he knows but from what he has said I don’t think he wants to fix it for himself.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 26/11/2019 19:36

Isn't the first step of aa admitting you have a problem? I mean if he can't even do that then it's not looking good is it?

I think the bigger problem is he doesn't like you 'telling him what to do'. Sounds like he's going to use this whole process against you.

'I don't have a problem, my wife has issues and I'm just doing this to stop her nagging' sorta attitude.

Why would you stay with someone like that?

I'd also bet that he implies you are controlling. When in fact, he is.

LemonTT · 26/11/2019 20:02

Hearing and acknowledging that others think you have a problem is a step too. Maybe not the critical one of accepting it yourself but progress.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2019 20:06

He's wasting his time and yours because you can't get sober for other people. He has to want this for himself. I fear you will find yourself right back to where you started in short order.

Ahwig · 26/11/2019 20:12

My husband went to AA because (as he told them) his wife had a desire for him to stop drinking. He stayed because he listened to the stories there and thought omg maybe she’s right. I told him we were over and he would need to move out if he didn’t stop. He went to the first couple of weeks meetings whilst still drinking. He then did the 90 meetings in 90 days and it has been 10 years since he had a drink .

exWifebeginsAgainat46 · 26/11/2019 20:42

you can’t save him, and you can’t force him to save himself. giving up drinking for someone else never works. it just causes more resentment, and resentment is the number one reason for alcoholics to go back to drinking.

he can only do this for himself.

source: recovering alcoholic, 5.5 years sober. many attempts to stop for other people, just worsened everything exponentially. AA did it for me in the end, but i very nearly died. i was drinking at everyone else, because my god it fucked me off that anyone would dare tell me i had a problem.

you cannot save him, OP. sorry.

Original poster

rinseandrepeat101 · 27/11/2019 06:21

Thanks for the comments. He had obviously drank too much last night, I could tell by the way he talks. I knew he had some beers, but afterwards I found he had secretly had some whisky and wine - not a lot but the fact that it was done secretly!? This morning he told me that he’s glad to have not drank as much and he doesn’t feel guilty from the night before. I’m furious, because I think how can he say that to my face when he’s been doing that in secret.

OP posts:

Tiddleypops · 27/11/2019 07:50

Being in a marriage with an alcoholic is crazy making OP.

The best thing you can do for him, is get yourself to an Al-anon meeting and focus on yourself. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/find-a-meeting/
You'll find many people in the same position as you.

You didn't cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

He has to make his own decisions about what he does about it.

Original poster

rinseandrepeat101 · 27/11/2019 07:59

It’s so confusing, I don’t know if it is a deliberate attempt to deceive me and control the situation or whether he genuinely thinks that it’s a success when he drinks in secret and doesn’t get caught. He gave me a list of things I need to do to he him, but is this him trying to make me responsible for him so that if he messes up he can blame it on me?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2019 08:03

Its a deliberate attempt on his part to deceive you and when his "recovery" goes side ways as it will inevitable do he can then blame you and restart drinking.

The only person who can help him is his own self and he is showing no indications whatsoever of actually wanting to address his drink problem. He is making you responsible for it (and that will also feed any codependency issues you have).

There is nothing you can do for him and what you have tried to date also has not worked. You are too close to be of any real help to him, not that he's ever wanted your help and or support in any case. Save your own self and extricate yourself from your drunkard.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2019 08:29

He gave me a list of things I need to do to he him
WOW - like what OP?
And yes, it's all about control and blame.
If you don't do what HE wants then it will be your fault that he doesn't get sober.
Do you have DC together?

MsMellivora · 27/11/2019 08:55

My stepfather was an alcoholic and my Mother probably was as well though not to the extent he was. It was terrible growing up in that household. They were functioning professionals and it was quite hidden. He died in his late forties and I didn’t shed a tear, he made my childhood shit.

Leave him unless you enjoy the prospect of years of misery and lying.

KristinaM · 27/11/2019 08:59

What Atilla said.

Go to some Al anon meetings and make plans to leave him. He won’t genuinely seek help until he’s at his rock bottom. While you are still with him, fixing his problems and being a scape goat, he will never get there.

KristinaM · 27/11/2019 09:01

And of course he’s deceiving you ! Addicts are the worlds best liars and con artists. You can’t believe a single word that comes out his mouth.

I’m sorry, I know you really REALLY want to believe him.

pointythings · 27/11/2019 09:23

I gave my husband an ultimatum- rehab or divorce. He did rehab, it failed, we split, he died. I found some of his peer group notes from rehab much later and he absolutely did blame me.

But two things: as a pp has said above, sometimes making someone seek help leads to them realising that they really need it. And secondly, you have to feel that you gave it everything before detaching.

So carry on, go to Al-Anon for yourself and prepare. The secret drinking and lying is a very bad sign, but getting support for yourself will help you make the break if it comes to that.

Original poster

rinseandrepeat101 · 27/11/2019 09:26

I just can’t believe it has come to this and for someone who says he loves me to be this way, but on the other hand I know that is the disease. I never thought this would be my life.

I would happily support him if he was truly going to try but the secret drinking and lies makes my heartbreak and that he is doing this to me.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2019 09:32

But rinse, he does not really want your help or support. Life with an alcoholic is a life in chaos. You are too close to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help anyway. He just wants you around so he can blame you for any and all repeated relapses. He is an addict and they lie by default not just to others but to their own selves. Denial is a powerful force after all and really, you are as caught up in his alcoholism, albeit in different ways, as he is.

Examine carefully what you are getting out of this relationship too. What needs of yours is he still meeting here within you?.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 27/11/2019 09:39

My brother is an alcoholic- alcoholism is a lifelong condition, it doesn’t matter how many years you have been free from it, you could easily be back in its clutches given the right (or wrong) situation.

My brother has been to AA because my parents made him, he gave it a good ‘go’ was sober for a year. But he never truly admitted to himself that he was an alcoholic, he just believed he was having fun but going too far. He had a reality check in the form of a near week stay in hospital, on drips following a two week bender, where he didn’t eat but drank constantly. He thought he was having a heart attack and I’m guessing went through some pretty severe withdrawals. My parents kept this very quiet, I didn’t find out until he had been released from hospital.

This time he has admitted that he has a problem, do I believe he will stay sober, honestly no, but he has finally recognised his demons and he now has a better chance of fighting them.

I’m afraid your dh doesn’t recognise that there is anything wrong with his drinking. Until he does, any attempt to stop will only be temporary as he is just placating you.

theemmadilemma · 27/11/2019 09:55

I do in part agree with Attila. But it's very easy as an alcoholic to tell yourself what you want to hear, and lie to yourself as easily as you have become used to lying to other people to hid your drinking.

I most certainly lied to myself when I was drinking about how much I was drinking. I'd congratulate myself for a 'good' day when the reality was I'd ended up drinking the same if not more, snuck from other stash not in front of my Partner. But somehow I'd manage not to count that/think about that.

Going for you, and not admitting he has an issue HE needs to deal with likely won't result in change. If he actually seeks help, he might find he starts to recognise he has a problem. Other people saying you do does eventually sink in.

I needed to hit a place where I was worried for my life in terms of my health if I continued. I wanted it to just stop. I needed out. In the end that was what drove me to get sober. I couldn't do it for anyone else.

pointythings · 27/11/2019 11:01

rinse I feel the sadness in your post. I have been there. I stayed longer than I should have because love does that to you.

But once I detached, the sense of peace and freedom was incredible. No more worrying, no more finding bottles, no more spotting lies and wigher biting my tongue or getting into another futile argument. And my DDs are so much better without him - though it has damaged them, and I feel responsible because I should have confronted the problem earlier .

Get the help. Grieve freely for your losses. Find your own recovery from your dependence on him. It will be unbelievably better.

Original poster

rinseandrepeat101 · 27/11/2019 14:29

Thankyou everyone for replying to me. It has re-assured me. I’m so sad about everything. He says I have stay be positive as it doesn’t help him if I’m not. So hard to keep putting a brave face on it.

OP posts:

pointythings · 27/11/2019 15:59

No! He does NOT get to make you responsible for his wellbeing!

He is responsible for his choices. He chooses to drink excessively. His choices are making you miserable. Your feelings are valid. My late husband tried this shit - I wasn't allowed to talk about his drinking because it was rubbing his nose in it. One day after the ultimatum I snapped and told him I had every right to talk about my feelings and it wasn't just about him. This manipulative selfishness is typical of addicts in general. Don't fall for it. You are allowed your feelings. Believe it.

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