I’m scared divorcing abusive husband was the wrong thing to do.

[Movingon83]

Does any of this get easier over time?

I’m freshly divorced (I had to leave an abusive relationship for my children and my own health) He accepts absolutely no blame and constantly at every opportunity let’s me know everything is all my fault. I know I had to leave.

But it doesn’t feel better. My children still have to spend time with a man capable of all those things he did when we were together. He has told me his sole ambition now is to make sure they don’t turn out like me but like him. He says I’m a pathetic women and mother. I’m not! This is worse then any of the things he has done to me over the years.

What have I done, I can’t protect them anymore. I’m getting myself in a state over this. Do I just accept defeat?

Just from your title I can 100% tell you it was the right thing to do.

How old are your children?

Children aren't stupid, they will see his true colours.
You protect them by being there for them, support their decisions, don't badmouth him to them. Create a stable life for them.
Be the good mother that you are and they will respect that.

How old are your dc? My dc went nc with abusive exh /df at 12 +14.
My exh made my life Hell when I left.
I am now remarried.
Those times are a past life now op.

You can do this.

They are so small still both under 5

They are so impressionable. He is changing them, I can see it. It’s killing me inside.

Op does your ex have court ordered contact? If not I'd stop that ASAP.

Surely the court would see and you could provide evidence of emotional harm being done to them? At the very least it should be supervised due to the risk to the children of violence..

He was never physically violent. He just ground me down to nothing over the years. He is very angry that I had the nerve to leave him.

I didn’t think I would be able to stop him having them and when he does he can tell them what he likes.

The worst thing in the whole world is if he turns then into him.

He does what he wants via access because he just bullies me.

You need to keep a diary. Anything the dc repeat he has said against you.
Parental alienation is now an offence.

Parental alienation is a crime. If it is affecting the children then you do need to act. Someone will hopefully be along with some advice soon. If it is affecting their behaviour could you see the GP about referring them to some sort of therapy? If you are concerned about how he looks after them (and I would include making awful comments about you to them) then could you involve social services? I would record everything that they come out with that shows what they have heard from them. Video them when they have come back from contact so you have some evidence

Agree with the PP who said it wasn’t the wrong thing to do just from your thread title. Even the fact that you’re now blaming yourself! If you hadn’t been emotionally abused you might not be doing that.

There might be something helpful here

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I feel I don’t know right from wrong anymore. I don’t trust my thoughts. He is just relentless.

Have you talked to womans aid? If not they would be a good place to start. If he is constantly harassing you as well, could you report him to the police? And do contact through a third party? At least that might give you some breathing space. Contact womens aid first I'm sure they will have seen this situation a load of times and will have some good advice. I'm sorry you are struggling. You have 100pc done the right thing

Yes I have had some advice.
But how do you ever get past handing over children to someone who you know what they are capable. I should never have had children with someone I knew was like that. I beat myself up all the time. I am just as much to blame.

I left several years ago, also with young DC and I understand all of your concerns but you did do the right thing. In the time when it's just you and your DC you are now in control. You can parent how you like and teach them how to be good people. You can rebuild your self confidence.

They are his children. They will be like him in many ways whatever happens. I've certainly seen inherited behaviour as well as learned in my DC. If you were still living with him they would be learning his bad behaviours all the time. Now they will have it for a limited time and you showing them how to behave the rest of the time. A close and nurturing relationship with you is going to have far more impact than him being vindictive.

His anger and malicious behaviour will continue but it will help if you don't react in the way he wants. Don't let him know he's getting to you.

If he's bullying you around contact arrangements or contacting you when it's not necessary, I would recommend court to get an order in place which means he can't change plans and can't keep hassling you. Cafcass may listen to your concerns about the way he behaves around the children. In my case, they didn't but at least you would have it on record.

As they get older they will see him for what he is and make up their own minds about him.

Please dont blame yourself for having children with him. You loved him. He was abusing you. Of course you had children with him. And many many other people have done the same. The important thing is that you got them out before they will be able to remember much about your relationship. This is a difficult, brave and amazing thing you did, they wont grow up thinking this is normal and they will be much more likely to have healthy loving relationships as adults.
Have you had any counselling yourself?
Have you been to the police about him?

You absolutely, 100% did the right thing.

What you have to do now is get some support so you can recover from him and set yourself up to deal with him properly in the future.

For example, how is he saying these things to you? How much are you in contact? Change your main phone number, buy a cheap payg phone and only give him the number and use that to deal with contact arrangements. Switch it off whenever you have the children, don't look at it. Start to build boundaries.

I know that sounds glib, I don't mean it to - I know it will be incredibly hard to rebuild your life. But you can do it. And your children will not turn into him, because they have you. You are their role model.

Please talk to Women's Aid - or have you tried the Freedom Programme? It's online and not expensive. Get support, as much as you can. You can do this.

No I haven’t had counselling but I think I need some.

But you are right if I stayed they would have only seen one way to live. One scared mum, one angry dad. I forget how bad it was when it was bad.

I feel like giving up sometimes. I left so that I could stop fighting but I’m still always fighting, just differently now. I guess I’ll be fighting forever.

I feel consumed by it all the time. I have no life outside of this...

You are amazing to have left him. Yes it's not the end of the war, but it was a crucial victory and shows how strong you are. This will end, and you can do it.

Take the advice here - get counselling, think Freedom programme, get legal advice and court ordered access.

And have these from me with my admiration and support.

OP I really suggest you get in contact with Rights of Women about this and get legal advice. I also suggest you contact your local DV organisation and see what resources they have regarding support. They may have support groups in your area for those who have experienced DV or trauma counselling. It sounds like you've been through a lot and need help and support.

Of course leaving your abuser was the right thing to do. He may have killed you and your children. You did absolutely the right thing.

I would also visit your GP and have a chat. Let her know the situation, and see if she has any suggestions.

You can find your local DV organisation here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

When they are away do you just have to accept they will be different.
They talk different, dress different. It’s becoming more and more apparent he is being whatever is totally opposite to me.

If he is poisoning their minds against you and he is harassing and abusing you still, then he is not allowed to do that!!

Please talk to women's aid who will point you in the right direction of what to do.

My suggestion would be apply for supervised visits only for him and get a restraining order banning him from contacting you. Is there someone who can act as a go-between?

Keep a record and screenshots of everything and anything he has said to you and to them.

Stay strong and don't let him grind you down.

You do have to accept that they will be different, to an extent - in a non-abusive relationship this is an exciting thing and completely normal to see how children 'blend' the thoughts and characteristics of their parents.

But obviously it's completely different in an abusive relationship. All you can do is be the best 'you' that you can. I would also talk openly to them and answer their questions, in an age appropriate way, about why you left. I wouldn't take it all on me. I would seek counselling for them if you feel its right, or look for therapeutic things like play therapy.

But the most important thing is to keep going and trust your kids. They will work it out for themselves.

I know that's hard lass, I really do. But keep going and get yourself as strong as possible. As a pp said, no, it's not the end of the war - stay strong.

So what I can change I change.

What I can’t I just have to let go of? I can’t really control what he says when I’m not there.